Dear big brother

How are you? Where have you been to lately? Are you enjoying your travel adventures?

Did I tell you in my last letter to you that we are almost there with the court decree? It has taken around twenty months of going back and forth to my lawyer’s office to get this far. I feel exhausted mentally,  physically and emotionally from all this drama. My lawyer sent me an email with an update on the situation, we shall get the decree within the next four weeks if everything goes smoothly. If not, we have more challenges and set backs to get through.

I have had an exceptionally challenging four weeks which started with my flu. I took two weekends off work and didn’t get sick pay which created more stress for me. Then one thing after another came at me at full speed. You know the saying “It never rains, it pours?”  I had a relaxing time staying at home to recover from flu and thoroughly enjoyed doing less.

On a particular Tuesday when I felt fit enough to catch up on my tasks, I had suicidal thoughts come through which was scary, frightening and daunting. I felt anxious and scared. It felt like my depression had came back. I think staying at home for more than seven days straight created anxiety for me because I am such an extrovert who needs to be surrounded by people in order to feel energised.

I shared this frightening experience with my hubby and he was ever so supportive, gentle and understanding. I wish he was here physically to be my rock because I was feeling vulnerable and weak. I wish you were here physically to help me around the home with chores. I miss your help at home. I miss our banter and laughter.

It’s this time of year that creates sadness for me because it is almost your fifth anniversary.

We went to the crematorium yesterday, in the glorious sunshine and it felt warm and calm. Mum was crazy as ever. She forgot to bring matches or a lighter with her and startled the taxi driver when she announced this as we were approaching the crematorium. We were asking around for either a lighter or matches and mum saw a couple smoking so we approached them and got their lighter to use.

I did something for the first time last night at Toastmasters. I delivered my Pathways Icebreaker with no props or visual aids. I previously struggled with this. However, I think participating in Table Topics (impromptu speaking) regularly at Toastmasters and making my YouTube videos has built up my confidence to have my hands free. What a breakthrough!   I felt exceedingly proud of myself and thoroughly enjoyed last night’s experience. I have finally developed the skills of having my hands free throughout a prepared speech to use them for more open hand gestures. I think this enhanced my speech last night. I did think about bringing the book “Friendfluence” into the speech as a prop. I decided to leave it out because it was not necessary nor did the content of the book have much of what I was covering in last night’s speech.

My speech evaluator Brett wrote in my printed Pathways evaluation form “Kit loves the stage”, I thought that was funny and definitely describes me to a tee! Hehe  Brett has mentioned, along with a number of fellow Toastmasters that I have exceptionally strong vocal variety. I think this comes from speaking Hakka as it is more high pitched than Cantonese or English. I think Brett is making excellent progress since he joined Toastmasters. I shall make a point of giving him my own feedback on his evaluation for my speech.

I think I have found my second home. The stage. I remember visiting a fortune teller whilst I was recovering from my depression. She said my career was on stage. I immediately thought of performing on stage such as acting or singing. Never did I thought I belonged on the stage as a public speaker! Haha

Can you imagine you joining Toastmasters where you have an eager audience to listen to you talk about your general knowledge which was your forte? That would blow their socks off! Haha   I would be showing you off to our fellow Toastmasters and tell them how proud I am of your general knowledge. Hehe

Here’s some photos of me from last night’s Pathways Icebreaker speech for you to admire! Hehe IMG-20181017-WA0003

Nothing in my hands to allow me to use more hand gestures!

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A rather blurry one yet this shows my confidence of using open hand gestures that I have developed and enhanced from participating in Table Topics and making all of those YouTube videos for my business!

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This one is so funny because I look constipated here! Haha  It shows my facial expression and my body language which enhances my speech. My mentee Ian took these photos so thank you to him for his efforts!

This is all for now big brother. Enjoy your travel adventures and the food! Hehe

With lots of love from your one and only crazy loud and proud sister xxx

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Hi my name is Kit (putting my left hand up), I think I am obsessed with happiness? Why? I have been through my fair share of aches, pains, challenges and struggles since I could remember my earliest memory. I have enough psychological scars from these life experiences which has drowned me most of my life. Therefore, I decided over seven years ago that I would be a happiness millionaire. Being wealthy to me doesn’t mean I need to be stinking filthy rich. Being wealthy to me means that I am happy. Being wealthy to me means that I am happy with whatever I have at the present moment. Being wealthy to me means I am happy because it is good for my health.

Happiness is subjective. Happiness is fleeting. Happiness comes and then it goes just as quick as lightening. Happiness to me is like a muscle that needs to be worked on each day, each week and each month. Happiness needs constant fuel. Happiness is something that requires your time, energy and attention.

On Thursday this week, I asked my fellow Toastmasters at our regular Table Topic session how they define happiness. The member who got the question answered it with a wide variety of valuable insights. She said at the beginning of her impromptu speech “Someone who is smiling doesn’t mean that they are happy. Someone who is not smile, doesn’t mean that they are not happy!”  I thought her answer was thought provoking and I learned from her intriguing answer.

From my personal experience with surrounding myself from people in different ages, backgrounds, cultures, different social status, different races, different religions, different gender orientation, different believes, etc etc you get what I mean by now……I have noticed that there are some people who do not experience happiness quite like the others. There seems to be a certain group of people, now I am not putting labels on these people here. I am sharing with you my observations about how different people handle their happiness.  What I want to share with you is this, some people are so damn focused on the tiny and minute details of their problems and they shall share these tiny and minute details with you that lasts en eternity and you fall asleep whilst they are still talking, yes believe me I have known such people and were friends with them, they just don’t seem to be able to handle happiness as well as the others. This particular group of people are what I call the “drama queens or drama addicts”. It is not their fault that these people behave in this way. It is how they were set up. It is how they were taught. It is how they were conditioned to behave. Sadly, these people do not have a place in my life any longer. Why?  I have no time, energy or attention to give to these people because they suck the happiness out of me. I become sick when I am surrounded by these people. Let’s just say that I am allergic to the “drama queens and drama addicts”. Therefore I keep them out of my life for good.

Since happiness is one of my priorities, I am mindful and aware of who I am friends with. After all, we do become a product of the first five people we spend the most time with. Therefore our friends do influence us in a way that can have a huge impact on our habits, our behaviours, our health and well being, our success, our happiness……need I go on?  I think not.

I know that having friends is vital to our overall health and well being. Yet I would rather have a handful of friends than friends that I cannot keep up with like the number of friends you have on your Facebook. I would rather spend time alone than spend it with a “drama queen or drama addict” because I want to keep my happiness intact. There are people whom I can only spend three minutes with. There are those whom I can only spend three hours with. If you are the lucky few whom I can spend three days with, you must be above average!  You must be able to laugh at yourself. You must be able to fool around with me, be childlike and crack a few jokes here and there. Otherwise I have no intentions whatsoever of being friends with you. Now there is no need to take this personally because you cannot possibly be every one’s friend.

How do you choose your friends? How happy are you with your current friends? When was the last time you checked in on your current friends as to:

  1. Where do they have you heading?
  2. What do they have you focusing on?
  3.  What do they have you reading?
  4. What do they have you listening to?
  5. How do they support you to move forward and grow?

These are vital questions you must ask yourself regularly with your current friends in order to check in how you are doing with your friends.

The quality of our life is determined by the quality of the relationships we keep. Being an adult, we are fully responsible for choosing who we keep in our lives and who we limit our association with. Our happiness then is determined by the relationships we choose to keep. Imagine you are keeping a relationship that is dysfunctional and unhealthy for you. How do you expect your life to be functional and healthy when you are keeping such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship in your life?  How do you expect to attract happy relationships to you when you are not happy with this particular relationship that you keep around you?

All it takes to destroy your happiness is for one poor choice of keeping a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship around you. You may not be aware of what a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship is. I didn’t until I read a few self help books on the subject. I suggest that you do your own research and read up on dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

I made an exceptionally tough choice a few years ago to let go of a number of friendships that were no longer serving me well. After I let go of these friends, I have a more peaceful and happier life, without the drama, without the boring details and I was ever so proud of myself for taking care of me. My happiness soared each day. I could finally focus on my happiness and keeping the level of happiness steady.

Life has a habit of throwing struggles and challenges your way now and again just to test you. I had an extremely unpleasant day on Tuesday. My happiness was nowhere to be seen. I felt anxious. I felt a deep sense of sadness and intense pain surging through my body. I felt overwhelmed by all of this that came out of the blue without warning. It almost took my life. At that particular moment I had an inner voice that was ever so dark I was petrified of it. I had no idea where it came from, why it was there and what triggered it. I  just knew that the inner voice was not me. I did everything I possibly could to kick that dark and evil thought out of me. Thank goodness I was mentally and emotionally strong other wise I may not be here today to write this.

Today was a much happier day for me. I went to our local park for a short walk. I took my time, soaking up everything there. I was mindful and aware of the sounds and smells, the flowers and trees, the falling leaves of different colours, the people and dogs, the breeze of wind swishing to and fro, I looked up at the sky, I look at the leaves on branches blowing in the lively wind, I saw mushrooms around an old tree. Some of those mushrooms had turned so black they looked like coal. I took some photos of these mushrooms because I was intrigued and fascinated by them.

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I had thoroughly enjoyed this short fifteen minute walk. It was leisurely without me rushing to go anywhere, to do anything in particular and it was most enjoyable for me. I think I neglect to “smell the roses” when I am ever so rushed to complete my tasks and work obsessively on reaching for my goals.

I sat down to have steak pie with Cory and Calvin, my sons. I had a chat with them and that brought more happiness to me.

Next, I went to a large stationery store called Paperchase to indulge in my inner child’s stationery obsession. I browsed their latest collection and thoroughly enjoyed the customer service I received from a young girl who rescued me from not finding the large hardback journal I wanted for my daily journal-ing habit. She was eager to help me and offered me her full attention. I felt important and valued. To me, that’s how you keep your customers happy. When your customers feel important and valued, they shall keep shopping with you. That’s a win win and spreads joy to their customers.

Next on my agenda was to attend a Toastmasters meeting in the south side of my city. I was running late and was in a pickle. Hehe

The meeting was lacking some energy this evening. Nonetheless, I was enjoying it and laughed at some of the speeches. James was the funniest of them all. He can make his audience laugh at anything he says. He is comfortable with making a fool of himself. He is after all a champion who has won a number of speech contests. I could certainly learn some winning tips from just watching him. Hehe

The meeting ended more or less on time and I got to chat with some fellow members. The bonus of the evening was when I was offered a lift home by the president Will. Apparently, he lives close by where I live. That was excellent. In future, I could ask Will to drive me home after a meeting at his club to save me on travelling on two buses to get home.

I am feeling ever so happy I am grinning from ear to ear. Hehe

I know this happiness thing is fleeting and shall come and go as quick as a flash. Yet I define happiness as feeling comfortable with feeling the negative emotions and still be able to smile and spread the joy, happiness and love. I certainly managed to spread some joy, happiness and love today all because I chose to.

Thank you for my happy day full of joy, gratitude and love!

Hello beautiful or handsome

My name is Kit. I am well known around my circle of influence for being loud and proud, crazy, weird, bold, eccentric, abnormal, unconventional, confident, has her shit together as the Americans would say sort of girl. People would look at me and probably say to themselves “Oh my! How I would do anything to be like her. She’s so confident with who and what she is. She is as real as real gets. She is as authentic as authentic gets. She is as genuine as genuine gets. Her energy is just contagious!”

What the majority of these people do not know or see are the daily struggles, hurdles, set backs, challenges and problems I have endured in my lifetime. I was born into a highly dysfunctional family system. Believe me, you definitely DO NOT want to be like me. Why? I don’t know where to begin because I could go on til the cows come home. I could write a fucking book about my struggles since I was born. I have mental illness in my dad’s side of the family. I was diagnosed with depression back in autumn 2008. My big brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 21 and he died very suddenly at the age of 42. People with schizophrenia are not expected to live to their old age.

Do you still want to be like me. I hope not!

In my culture, we do not speak what we mean or mean what we say. Why? It is a culture of “Don’t speak your mind because you are not allowed, you are going to upset people, you are blunt and would upset or offend others”. This has conditioned us to think and believe that we must follow this dysfunctional and unhealthy way of thinking. Another thing about my culture is the fact that we cannot handle the truth. We cannot handle anyone being straight forward, direct, speaks their mind and one who doesn’t waste their time in expressing to others who and what they authentically are below the surface.

You are highly unlikely to meet an authentic, transparent and honest person from my culture unless that person:  has gone through some struggles, transformation,  and or is comfortable with expressing their authentic self like my crazy mother and me.

I have been taught to hide my authentic self because: people will laugh at me if and when I say or do something out of the ordinary. People will laugh at me if and when I do not follow the crowd. People will laugh at me if and when I say something that was not supposed to be said. Keeping unexpressed thoughts and emotions inside our bodies creates physical illnesses and diseases. Denying ourselves of the freedom to express our thoughts and emotions is a slow way of destroying our physical and emotional health. We become sick physically that most of us are not aware of.

I don’t give a fuck if and when people laugh at me for whatever I say or do because their laughing at me does not create any harm to me whatsoever. My whole body is still intact. My whole being is still intact. My self esteem is still intact.

I do give a fuck about my emotional and physical health. I do give a fuck about who I keep around me because the quality of my life is determined by who I keep around me. I have family members whom I choose to spend a limited time with because their behaviours are far too toxic to spend any more than an hour or two and that’s giving them a bonus! Hehe

I was running around yesterday completing my errands after staying at home for nine days to recover from flu. I had a huge surge of destructive thoughts and negative emotions come through. I felt absolutely drained, weighed down and exhausted. I felt a heavy sense of pain and sadness in my body. I had some exceptionally dark and destructive thoughts come through at the moment of despair. I thought of ending my heavy sense of pain and sadness by killing myself. My depression and anxiety was for a moment, in control of my life. For that moment of despair, I could have ended my life there and then. How frightening was that? I immediately thought of why people commit suicide. I thought “This is why our society is ever so sick. We are told constantly to be strong, even during traumatic, heartbreaking and dramatic times for our heart. We put on this fake mask and tell everyone that we are strong, we have it all together, we are winners and we are actually crumpling inside. We are actually dying inside to tell someone, anyone, that we are not strong, we are not confident and we cannot have this fake mask on anymore. Yet we cannot do that either because we shall get laughed at, criticised, ridiculed, judged and shamed”.

Who cares what others think and say with regards to what we do with our lives? It’s none of our business to spend our valuable time, energy and attention on those who have nothing better to do with their boring lives other than judge and shame others.

 

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We must all learn to keep our fucks for the much more important things and people in our lives as the author of this absolutely hilarious author wrote in this funny book full of humour. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and I think everyone of us needs to read it too. I think we would all live a much “I don’t give a fuck about what you say or think about what I do with my life” life. Do you understand that? Why give people your valuable time, energy and attention when they don’t deserve it?

Let’s go back to my challenging afternoon. I spoke to two girls that I knew yesterday afternoon whilst doing those much needed errands. I felt much more energetic and happiness was coming through. Yet it didn’t last. Let me get to that later.

I had a great time last night at my Toastmasters club meeting. I was the Toastmaster for the evening, which is the MC to you. I always enjoy talking “on stage” at Toastmasters because I feel valued and important. This is because my audience gives me their full attention that I never get from my family. I was feeling tired from my ongoing cough and disturbed sleep at nights. My memory was weak and short. Yet I still thoroughly enjoyed the meeting. I felt ever so proud of myself for being poised, confident and I had my beautiful smile on for my audience.

When I was on the bus heading home, that’s when I had another episode of negative emotions come through my body. I felt teary and wanted to cry. I called my Aussie hubby and was crying on the phone whilst I told him my challenges from the day. He was extremely supportive, gentle and understanding. He knows of my emotional pains I have endured.

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Have you ever heard of codependence? That’s me. I am a codependent. The majority of people in my culture are codependents. They were like me, neglected, abandoned and abused in their childhood. They are all carrying the physical and emotion scars and pains from their dysfunctional family systems. I cannot talk to my parents about my emotions because they don’t talk about theirs. They bury their emotions. This is why I have endured a lifetime of suffering. I had no emotional intelligence until I began working hard on myself over seven years ago. If I didn’t have a reasonable level of emotional intelligence and mental strength, guess what would have happened to me yesterday?  I would have killed myself. Then again, I would have killed myself years ago when I was going through a traumatic life experience. I think it was my mental strength that got me through that particular traumatic life experience.

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Have you heard of this organisation, Codependents Anonymous? I attended weekly meetings with this organisation last year for over nine months. It was there that I learned how my suffering was created by my dysfunctional family and dysfunctional culture. I learned about the patterns of behaviours that codependents possess. I learned that I was denied of having my own way of thinking. I was denied of showing and expressing my emotions. I was denied the truth about what was happening: in my life, in my family and in my culture. I began to feel excruciating pain and immense anger. I felt I was just a useless child, not worthy of the people who were responsible for protecting me and keeping me safe, their unconditional love and respect. I felt a gargantuan amount of pain all over my body. It got to the point where I became sick straight after I got back to Hong Kong from my honeymoon last July. My flight back to Glasgow, Scotland was delayed for a few days for me to fully recover from my sickness before flying for over 16 hours. I got sick because my body was dealing with loads of unexpressed and unresolved emotions from learning about my dysfunctional family.

My moments of despair have been more than challenging. They have all helped me to become stronger. Yet what if someone who is going through struggles, challenges, set backs, dilemmas are not strong anymore and take their lives? What if their suffering and pain got too much for them at that particular moment of despair and they decided to end their life in order to end their suffering and pain? Let’s all face the truth. People do not want to end their lives during such moments of despair. They want their suffering and pain to end.

I think our families, schools, community, society, government and the world has failed people like me. They have neglected to educate us that: it’s ok not to be strong and have your shit together. It’s ok not to be up for going to work, looking after your children and even looking after yourself. It’s ok to not want to get out of bed and do whatever needs to be done. It’s ok to look like a ghost because you are sick. It’s ok to be sad and down. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to have depression and anxiety. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It is not my fault or your fault that you have depression, anxiety or any other challenges in your life that holds you back.

 

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Dear big brother

Look at what your little sister achieved last month whilst she was in Hong Kong? I finally got to visit a Toastmasters club in Hong Kong after two previous failed attempts!  I felt ever so proud of myself because I got myself there without any help from anyone. I asked for directions when I got out of the MTR station and the building for the Toastmasters meeting was only a few minutes from where I was. I had so much fun and learned a few things from this particular club that I shall share with my own club.

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Please meet my mother in law’s sister who is seventh in the family. She is ever so energetic, enthusiastic, kind and generous. We clicked the first time we met in Hong Kong back in 2015, I think!? Haha   This energetic woman spoiled me when she took me to the bakers for some cakes for our train journey back to Hong Kong from Guangzhou where she lives. She insisted on buying something for mum and I allowed her to because it’s their tradition. We were there visiting my mother in law’s sisters and extended family for a day which was more than enough due to the intense heat and humidity which felt more powerful than Hong Kong. I don’t think you would have enjoyed the stay there because Cory, Calvin and I certainly didn’t!  The a/c was practically none-existent which made our stay far too sticky, hot and humid. Even the a/c in our hotel room was weak. The hotel room we stayed in was extravagant, luxurious and by far more spacious than you would ever find in Hong Kong. I felt like a celebrity staying in it for the one night! Haha

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Look at the bathroom in the hotel!  It had a separate shower situated at the other corner of the bathroom!  You could easily make two bedrooms in this room! Or stand 40 people in it! Haha

Oh let me tell you something, getting to Guangzhou was full of challenges left, right and centre. I am put off from travelling there ever again. It was time and energy consuming just to get my China visa in place. The logistics took what felt like forever! Vincent, my awesome laidback hubby helped me with all the processes of applying for this visa which cost a fortune. He was much more laidback than me with his logical mind. I was feeling more than totally exhausted when we needed to walk here and there in the intense heat and humidity in Hong Kong. However, I am grateful that I got to experience Guangzhou and have more stories to share with people. Hehe

Let me tell you a few things about our Wan Chai Airbnb. The apartment by far is exceptionally spacious for Hong Kong property.  That was one of the reasons why I wanted it. Three bedrooms with two bathrooms which to me, is an added luxury and bonus. However, imagine how shocked I was to see that the en-suite was not as I had thought it to be!  Definitely not how en-suites are built here in Scotland!  It was ever so poorly built which meant whenever you peed or pooped in it, the smell would pass into the bedroom because it was not a fully separate room. I felt ever so uncomfortable pooping in the bathroom because it felt like pooping in our bedroom, that created more tension for my “travellers constipation”!  Yes, Google told me that there is and I do suffer from “travellers constipation!  How pleasant to know eh?  I took laxatives each day whilst in Hong Kong to combat my constipation. Anyway, back to this Airbnb, on the first night there, I was scared out of my knickers when I heard for the first time, in our bedroom that the building was shaking. I thought we were having an earthquake! Only it was the old and loud air conditioning unit making shaking and shuddering noises loudly at regular intervals. I couldn’t get a sound sleep each night and would sleep on the couch in the living room. The living room at night was much cooler than our bedroom. I didn’t feel the need to have the a/c on. It was so peaceful. Now, let me tell you about the wifi that was as troublesome as me! It was slow, weak and lacked power. Calvin would complain about it everyday. Charles and Calvin would regularly take the piss out of the weak wifi. They eventually found a clever solution to this. They searched for an internet cafe nearby. Charles took Cory and Calvin there one night. Then another morning after Charles stayed over, he took Calvin there as soon as they got out of bed, went to the same internet cafe and had lunch together before they came back to the Airbnb.

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Do you understand what this notice is asking you to do?  I think it was translated using Google Translate! Haha   This notice was displayed in the bathroom that Cory and Calvin used in the apartment. They both told me on our first night that the hot water was scolding hot and the cold water fucking freezing cold! Ouch!

Cory spent most of his money he brought over on clothes, shoes, a new watch and a smaller suitcase to fit all of his Hong Kong purchases. He went shopping on his own most days. There were a few days that I joined him with Calvin and we had sushi in a shopping mall in Kuen Tong. Calvin thoroughly enjoyed the experience because it was his favourite sushi restaurant. He has become a sushi addict since last year when Charles got him into sushi.

Cory enjoyed having Charles around and they built a close bond. Charles talks to anyone and he’s an extrovert who has some talent in getting people to get along. Charles took Cory over to his part of Hong Kong, Sham Shui Po for some shopping but Cory was disappointed with the merchandise.

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Look at how happy I was with mum. She came over to ours on the last night in Hong Kong so that we could all travel to the airport early next morning for our early morning flight back to Glasgow. We had dinner that night with my mother in law in Central. My sister in law Elsa and her hubby joined us. It was a pleasant dinner which was quite reasonably priced.

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Do you like this photo? There was a small exhibition in Wan Chai. Vincent and I went exploring here on our own for us time.  It was quiet and didn’t impress Vincent at all. Hehe  Vincent and I got more us time this year because we had Cory in the apartment to be there for Calvin whenever we wanted to be on our own. We did less activities this year because I asked for more relaxing time instead of rushing here there and everywhere. I thoroughly enjoyed the more lazy and relaxed holiday this year.

 

20180713_172754 Did you ever get to taste this smelly as “pig’s shit” durian? I don’t remember seeing you eating it or remembering you talk about it. I bought this for the first time in Hong Kong at a stall near our apartment. It cost more than 300 HK dollars for this small lot yet well worth it because I deserve it. It tasted a lot sweeter than the durians we get in Glasgow. Vincent doesn’t like the smell of this smelly fruit yet he has, in the past, bought me the durian dessert with soy beans that’s smooth as a baby’s bottom. We had dessert in my favourite place called Auntie Sweet in Tin Hau. Cory, Calvin, Vincent and me, after dinner one night. Guess what dessert I ordered? Hehe

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Look at what I spotted in the bookshop that was on the main road from our Airbnb?  I wanted to buy all of them! I could easily spend all day here. There were many English titled books! Hehe

Calvin didn’t want to go to Disneyland without Charles because Charles went to summer camp a few days before we were due to fly back to Glasgow. Calvin wasn’t disappointed as he was last year about not going to Disneyland. I think it’s because Calvin is becoming more mature. He enjoyed having Charles around at our Airbnb and that’s all that mattered to him. I could see that they thoroughly enjoyed spending time together no matter what it was they were doing. I am grateful that we have Charles to keep Calvin occupied.

I thoroughly enjoyed flying to and from Hong Kong with mum next to me. I asked her a number of questions about my childhood and she told me many stories about me, you, Tony, dad and our extended family. It was a much needed time to bond without dad there moaning, ranting and complaining. Hehe

What was most enjoyable about being in Hong Kong this year for me? I think it was:  flying back with mum and Cory which was a pleasant first experience even thought it had it’s challenges. Having Cory with us throughout the entire holiday which gave me lots of time to bond with him. Having dinner in Nam Wah Po with mum and her extended family was another pleasant first experience. Having dinner with cousin Chi Wing and his wife in Tai Po. Getting to meet my mother in law’s sisters and extended family in Guangzhou. Having quality bonding time with my awesome Aussie hubby. Last, was receiving all of our gifts from everyone. We were all totally spoiled. I am still reminiscing about all the good and happy times we all had even though being in the intense heat and humidity of Hong Kong was exhausting. There were so many first experiences for all of us. I want to do it all over again.

On a more sombre note, I missed you more when I was in Hong Kong because I know we would have had so much fun together going back to our birth place and exploring together. There’s a part of me who felt angry that this opportunity was taken away from me so soon!

I could tell you about this relaxing Hong Kong holiday all day yet I have tasks to complete. Hehe

Last, I want to tell you that I feel ever so blessed to have had this opportunity to bond with mum and Cory for the first time in Hong Kong. Bye for now big brother!

ask and you shall receive

Relationships are the most challenging things us human beings deal with on a daily basis. No matter who we talk to, or surround ourselves with, we have a relationship with that person, even if it is a brief moment. I once heard from a personal development CD by Stephen Shapiro, “Poor quality relationships, poor quality of life”.  I had a gargantuan lump in my throat and intense pain in my heart when I heard those words. I felt that due to my dysfunctional family set up, I had poor relationships with my sons and my loved ones. I was exceptionally fortunate to have been introduced to personal development at a time when I was going through dark times. I needed help, not from a doctor or therapist. I needed help to teach me how I could have richer relationships with my loved ones instead of the painful ones I was having.

It has been an utmost painful journey of self development over the past six years and nine months to help me get more of what I want from life. My relationships with my loved ones are of a higher quality. They may not be where I want them to be, yet I am making consistent progress. I ask for my needs, wants and desires met.

At the beginning of this year, I asked for something for the very first time. That something materialised on Monday 12th March as I drove to the airport to pick up my awesome Aussie hubby. He flew over to Glasgow, Scotland from Sydney, Australia to celebrate my 46th birthday with me. I wanted to be spoiled rotten for my birthday by my Aussie hubby. I wanted the dinner, cinema, birthday cake and more.

How good are you at asking for what you want from your partner?  Do you leave it to dropping them hints here and there, in the hopes that they get your message? Do you leave it to their guessing what you like and dislike then hope for the best? Do you think that it is their responsibility to know what you want at any given time?  Nobody can read minds, thank fuck!   It would be an absolute nightmare if any of us could read others minds!  Let me tell you from my personal experience with relationships of any sort, if you don’t ask, you shall never ever receive. Simple!  Ask and you have a fifty fifty chance of getting what you want. That’s fifty per cent higher than you NOT asking.

I have become a master at asking for my needs, wants and desires to be met because I am deserving of all good things. One of the main problems people have with their limiting beliefs is: “Oh I don’t want to ask because it’s going to be too much trouble. I don’t want to put people out of their way.  I don’t want to be a pest. I don’t think they will like it if I asked.” This is how our limiting beliefs holds us back from getting what we want. We are talented at telling ourselves what we don’t want day in day out. What we think about and give our time and focus to, multiplies. Be exceptionally aware of this. It is how the law of attraction works.  How many of us know for certain of what it is that they do want and focus on it?

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I received this birthday cake from my awesome Aussie hubby because I asked for it. I deserved it.

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I realised that balloons was missing from my birthday. I asked a group of people who were sat next to me on my birthday dinner. The young man was celebrating his 21st birthday. I was thinking he would not mind giving me his balloons. I boldly stepped over to their table and asked for these balloons. They may not be pink. They may not have “Happy birthday Kit” on them. Yet they were good enough for me!

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I asked hubby to go ten pin bowling with me. Here we were with Calvin and he had a ball!  Oops! Sorry for the pun, it was intended! Haha

For my birthday present, I asked for money from hubby to attend my second Toastmasters Conference in Cork, Ireland this May. I asked and I received.

For the ladies reading this, and men, never ever make assumptions that your partner or hubby/wife knows for sure of what you want without telling them. Never ever play this sort of game. It’s unhealthy, especially when you are disappointed because you failed to ask. Also, never ever drop hints here and there. They do at times, fail too. You want something from your partner, just ask. It is NOT rocket science to ask for what you want. You definitely don’t need a phd to ask for what you want. You just need to know what exactly you want with certainty. Go forth and ask. Ask and you shall receive!

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As we welcome the first day of March 2018, this is the snowy and beautiful scenery all over my city, Glasgow in Scotland today!

Yes I hear you say “Oh what beautiful snow!

I totally agree with you. I have always enjoyed the snow since I was a child. As an adult, it’s absolute chaos travelling in it.

Us Glaswegians have not had this much snow, approximately six inches, that’s six cans of Irn Bru stacked on top of one another height, for over eight years and more. Our City Council is ill equipped to handle this much snow and the crippling demands that comes with it. This means that our city has been a ghost city, grounded to a halt with no buses running yesterday after our Red Alert weather warning. Trains and flights are cancelled. Nurseries, schools, colleges and universities are all closed. Most shops and some shopping centres are closed. We are staying at home to stay safe from six inches of snow, the bitter wind and freezing cold.

I had an event with my fellow Toastmasters this afternoon that was cancelled and rescheduled for later this month. My smear test scheduled for this morning was also cancelled because my nurse was unable to get to her work. Nothing major and nobody died! Haha

Our motorways are sluggish and dangerous for drivers and their passengers. Disruption is all over the country and behind. My eldest son’s friend is stuck and stranded in France, unable to get his flight back to Glasgow. An Emirates flight, from Dubai was reported to have circled around Glasgow yesterday afternoon for over an hour, because our airport’s runway was being cleared of snow and ice. Thankfully it was finally able to land safely onto our airport’s tarmac.

There have been some unfortunate travellers stranded at Glasgow Airport going nowhere due to our snow. They have been taken care of by some generous staff and volunteers. However, the stranded passengers must feel absolutely exhausted and grumpy from whatever challenges they are facing.

I am extremely fortunate to have had no chaos in my travel plans because I had no plans to travel anywhere far from home. Haha

I can sympathise with those who were or are stuck and struggling to get to their destinations, especially those with health issues, children and any other issues that they are finding an exceptional struggle. It is in times like these that we must step back and be grateful for everything that we have. I have a roof over my head, with running water, heating, food and all the other basic necessities for my survival. The homeless are the ones who are struggling the most. Thankfully, Glaswegians are fantastic at stepping up during these toughest times to offer whatever they possibly can to help out those in need.

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The above sight has not been around for me for over ten years or possibly more. I saw icicles on car’s front and back bumpers last night whilst I walked round the corner of home to get some grit from our local grit bin. The neighbourhood was like a ghost town. It was far too quiet for that time of the night (around 8.30pm).  I felt it was eerie to the point where I wondered if anyone was alive in Glasgow???

What challenges have you had to deal with due to adverse weather conditions? For me, it is being stuck at home with no adult interactions and unable to surround myself with people. I am an extrovert who gets energised from being around people. I was feeling bored, lonely and exhausted from having no people to surround myself with yesterday and again the exact same today.

I called my friend from Toastmasters for a chat and we organised to meet up on Sunday to celebrate our two years of committing to Toastmasters. That excites me superbly! Hehe

Walking in fresh snow this morning felt rather tranquil and relaxing.  The streets were dead and as quiet as a mouse. The one major struggle was the bitter cold and freezing wind! I didn’t die walking to and from my doctor’s surgery to have my smear test which was cancelled. I felt energised from my ten minute walk! Hehe

Glasgow City Council has announced that their nurseries and schools shall remain closed tomorrow, Friday 2nd March. How likely am I to get into work tomorrow? I miss the adult interactions so much I am becoming grumpier as the minute ticks by. I may murder someone due to my boredom! Haha

I wonder how long our snow is planning on staying with us? The white layer of fluffy stuff does look beautiful yet we must continue to get to their work and children need to get back to school as soon as possible for our sanity and peace! Haha

Meanwhile, here’s my last photo I want to share with you!

Happy first day of March 2018 to you all! Hehe

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Decision making 2

When was the last time you were stuck with making an important decision? What a huge dilemma!!!

I am rarely indecisive because I am self assured and go with the flow…….why? I am a doer!  I do things, I make things happen, without thinking of the consequences at all…….which has it’s pros and cons. I rarely think of the consequences of my actions because I rarely think at all!!  That is who and what I am. When I do think, I get drained by all the details, the specifics, the what if’s and but’s and it totally sucks the happiness out of me. I think I am allergic to the negatives of thinking……of the consequences. Of all the what if’s and but’s that comes through my head. Why think so much and spend so much of my valuable time thinking when I could be doing, of being productive and getting results? Although the results may not be ideal and productive, I think one learns from doing ten times more than thinking!

My Aussie hubby tells me that I suffer the consequences of NOT planning the details and specifics of my plans in advance, which has detrimental consequences to my well being and health. He said I am missing out on stuff and things which has been a disadvantage, in his opinion. I do understand his point of view. Yet, how many times have I did something without thinking too much into it and learned from my mistakes than planning it to the last minute detail and coming up with all the irrational fears of “What if this happens and what if that happens” which only creates irrational fears for me to think about?

Missing out on stuff and things can be a disadvantage?  Yes and no. I think I would miss out ten times more from not taking action due to my irrational fears of the “What if’s and but’s” than I would from planning my actions to the tiniest little detail. To argue this point, there are times when it is totally vital and imperative to planning everything in minute detail, such as flying to a destination where we need our passport, travel insurance and all the other essentials necessary to enjoy our holiday. Minimise all potential risks and mistakes for a stress free holiday is my motto since I have gained much more experience and knowledge of travelling from flying since 2012.

I have a gargantuan issue with time. I was the caretaker in my family, taking care of everyone else other than myself. My needs, wants and desires were abandoned, neglected and dismissed. Due to this being a colossal part of my life until I decided to become a single mother and set myself free from my unfulfilled marriage, I never had the freedom to be my true authentic self. I never had the freedom to make mistakes, make decisions for myself and my life. Life is about trial and error. How do we know when a decision is the wrong or inappropriate one when we never make mistakes? How do we learn from life when we never make any mistakes? Not making a decision is still making a decision. The decision to procrastinate. Procrastination is the killer to progress and fulfillment in life.

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I think the biggest difference in the thinkers and doers is the obvious one which is: thinkers think of all the things that could and would go wrong when making a decision because they are in their heads 90% of the time, whilst the doers are exactly the opposite. They are doing and taking action 90% of the time. Yes they make more mistakes than the thinkers, why?  They are the ones who are comfortable with making mistakes, again and again!  They learn more effectively from their mistakes than sitting and thinking of all the “What if’s and but’s” or as my Aussie hubby says “The consequences”!

Fuck the consequences because there are consequences to every little or big decision that we make. Our decision could be fool proof. It could be what we think is the perfect decision. It could be what we think “Nothing could go wrong” or “I have minimised all the possible things that could ever go wrong”. How much time is required to minimise all the possible things that could go wrong with any important decision we make? By the time a thinker has thought of all the actions they could take to minimise all of the possible things that could go wrong, I have already completed that same task.

Mistakes are deadly to thinkers 90% more than the doers. Doers are more comfortable with taking risks. Even the higher risks. Maybe one could argue that the doers are far too hasty, irrational and dysfunctional. Maybe they are right. I am certainly irrational when it comes to making decisions. I make my decisions based on my feelings. There is no rational thinking with me because I am ever so connected with my feelings. However, last night, I was faced with such a colossal dilemma with an important decision, I asked for the opinion of my middle son who was available (which is exceptionally rare) and my Aussie hubby in order to get their opinion and perspective. I wanted to have more information and details, which drains me and it was vital for my decision. I was amazed at my decision to get others’ opinions and perspective which is exceedingly out of my character. I was highly proud of myself for NOT making a hasty and rushed decision where the high risks could have cost me unnecessary ill health and negative emotions.

I think Jim Rohn has taught me well, exceptionally. He taught me that whenever I am faced with difficulties with making an important decision, to get pen and paper out. to write out what my issue is, write out my possible solutions, write out the pros and cons to each solution that I could possibly think of. This works for me. Thank goodness!

Happy Valentine’s Day to you beautiful people! What did you receive for Valentine’s Day?

I think this carry on with Valentine’s Day has become far too commercialised. Retailers, hotels, restaurants, florists, pubs, beauty salons, holiday destinations and more are all exploiting Valentine’s Day to increase their profits. Anyone in a business tries everything they possibly can to exploit and to take advantage of those who do not want to miss out on receiving gifts, in order to make them feel loved. I remember falling for this trap, that has become more expensive and ridiculous as the years passes. Receiving gifts, especially for women, gives us the feeling that someone was thinking of us, that we are worthy of spending the much more expensive bunch of flowers, chocolates, dinner by candlelight and much more. This gift receiving increases our self worth which to me, is dysfunctional and unhealthy. None of us need gifts to increase our self worth.

We need to fall in love with ourselves first. We need to accept ourselves for who and what we are. We need to love ourselves unconditionally. We need to show our flaws, imperfections, mistakes, scars, wounds, bruises and vulnerabilities. We need to be authentic and true with ourselves. We need to love everything about ourselves and our bodies ladies.

I remember demanding a bunch of flowers be given to me for my Valentine’s Day a number of years ago, in order for me to show off my worth!  Not many women likes to be left out and or missing out on receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day. Some women even go to the lengths of paying for a bunch of flowers to be sent to their work and have their colleagues believe that she has a special man in her life when she is single. How sad I hear you say?  I think it’s a fantastic idea because she loves herself to spend that sort of money on herself. Would I do it?  Absolutely no fucking way!  It is a personal choice. I am an extremely practical girl. Spending a small fortune on a bunch of flowers that has had it’s price increased because it is Valentine’s Day, in order to fill a void in my life?  Fuck off!  I would save that money towards a holiday, a life experience that I get to create memories for years to come. A bunch of flowers from the florist lasts a maximum of ten days to fourteen, if you can stretch it that far! Haha

Since I began my personal development journey over six and a half years ago, I have learned to fall in love with myself, with my life, with my body and with who and what I was born to be. I sent myself Valentine’s cards when I knew no one would. I sent myself postcards too whilst I was travelling in foreign land. I bought myself flowers whenever I wanted. I treated myself to whatever I wanted to because I deserved to. I went to the cinema on my own for the first time last year. I have learned to spoil myself rotten because I deserve to.

ladies, save your man’s money on Valentine’s Day and ask him to spoil you throughout the year which is cheaper and more cheerful. There’s no need to conform to society’s expectations and unspoken standards that men must spoil us rotten on Valentine’s Day or it means that they don’t love us or value us. Be smarter than falling for the exploitation of the commercialised businesses.

Why does men have such a hard time pleasing his lady throughout the year and then on Valentine’s Day too? Give your man a break and ask him what he wants for his Valentine’s Day? Spoil your man rotten for his Valentine’s Day because he deserves it too.

Would you like to know what I received for my Valentine’s?  A mushy Valentine’s card and an entire box of chocolates that was a gargantuan surprise. That’s all I received. No expensive flowers from the florist, no higher price dinner or theatre. No, absolutely none. Why?  I told my Aussie hubby that I think Valentine’s Day is merely a way for businesses to rake in extra money at the expensive of the weak and vulnerable. I told him that I think we need to show our love to our special someone throughout the year and not do it on this particular day in order for businesses to take advantage of us.

Let’s be smarter with our man’s money and save it for memories that we create throughout the year. Fuck Valentine’s day!

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I’m exhausted, drained and feeling so fed up with my aches and pains from life. I wake up in our freezing and dark mornings to the music from my alarm clock, to cook breakfast for my twelve year old son Calvin,  in order for him to get a cooked breakfast before he leaves for school. I was never looked after like this from my parents when I got into high school. I want to give this to Calvin because he deserves it. It also allows him to eat breakfast with his mum instead of either going without breakfast or eating on his own which he detests. He would rather not eat go at all or go for something that doesn’t give him the vital nutrients that his growing body requires for optimal health.

I long to feel as energetic as I did when I was a little child. I long to have the unconditional love from my parents. I would love to have the freedom and the right to make my own choices, even though my choices could be wrong. Making wrong choices is the only way to learn what is right and what is wrong for me and my life. I long to have the total freedom to be who and what I was born to be. Loud and proud. Noisy and crazy. Funny and witty. Speaks my mind to express my thoughts and feelings, with no intentions of offending anyone.

I long to have the freedom to do whatever I want with my time, instead of taking care of others who do not love me unconditionally. I would love to have my valuable time back where I could just be me. The person I was born to be. The person I longed to be. The person who longed to be free to be who she is. I have accumulated a tonne of aches and pains from being controlled and abused from my dysfunctional and unhealthy family system. I dream of being born into a functional and healthy family system. I dream of having functional and healthy parents and siblings. I dream of having boundaries and a solid structure in my life, instead of being told to go here and there or told to do this and that, without the freedom to refuse.

I am struggling immensely to parent my inner child and inner teen. They are exceptionally demanding and difficult to parent because I was not parented in a functional and healthy manner.  On a productive day, I get to complete all of my tasks that I had planned. On an unproductive day, I feel sick and exhausted from my aches and pains from life. On a sunny day like today, I want to get an many tasks completed as possible because the sunshine lifts me up. On a dull and deary day, I just want to be a couch potato and binge watch my favourite TVB drama. I just want to do absolutely nothing and spoil myself with what I enjoy doing as a child. I just want to play like I did as a child in Hong Kong, with big brother and cousin Becky. Those were my happiest days of my childhood. I miss those days so much!

Being a single mother with three sons, who were also born into a dysfunctional family system, my two older sons were taught by their dad’s mother that boys don’t do housework.  I have struggled and been challenged to have them help me with our housework. My two older sons were never taught to get into the good and responsible habit of helping around our home with housework. Calvin, who was cared for by my parents, since he was a baby, was taught mainly by my mum, to help around the home with housework. Calvin is smart to negotiate with me on getting pocket money for helping me with our housework nowadays because he’s focused on saving money. He knows that he deserves to be paid for his valuable time and effort. I would never have been this smart to negotiate with my parents for helping with housework. Nor was I taught that I deserved to get something for my valuable time and effort.

I long to have been valued and felt important to my parents. I long to have a healthier and more loving relationship with my parents. Sadly, that shall never happen. Sadly, that has not happened in my current job either. That is why I have handed in my notice. I learned from this current job, that I need to feel I am valued and feel important to my employer. This has been an insightful lesson in my life.

Awesome Quotes New Beginnings God

I am due to start a new job next week with a new employer, who has already shown me that they value their employees. I am grateful that my vision ( which I wrote at the beginning of last month)  for my ideal job is becoming a reality. Woo hoo!  I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel!  The aches and pains from this current job shall end at the end of this week. I am absolutely delighted and bursting with excitement. I also have butterflies churning inside my tummy, with an exuberant load of anxiety due to me going into the unknown with a new job. I got into a new job this time last year and only lasted five weeks in it. I think my subconscious mind is anxious about this.  Leaving this current job is the most constructive thing to do for my inner peace and happiness.

Bring on next week and the uncertainties because I am embracing them all!

Woo Hoo!  Happy first of February everyone!

What challenges did you face weather wise last month? Here in Glasgow, Scotland, we had snow (and more snow),  hail, wind, rain, freeeeezing temperatures and rarely the odd sunshine hours to pick up our dull, deary and depressing moods!

We woke up to this sunshine this morning…….

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I was happier than Larry because January for me, due to my suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, is draining, depressing and exceptionally dull. I crave sugary, fatty and salty foods. Any food that heightens my emotions. I’ve been fortunate enough to have found St John’s Wart from Holland and Barrett, my Lumie Brightspark lightbox and my positive mental attitude from six and a half years of personal development to keep me sane during this most challenging winter! My moods during this tough winter has been lifted from the daily dose of St John’s Wart. Thank you!

The temperature had risen today and I was comfortable and warm wearing my lighter three in one winter jacket with my white cotton scarf and the Kangaroo hat that my Aussie hubby bought me.

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Look at the blue sky and white clouds?  This is a rare sight here in Glasgow, Scotland during our winter and “Summer”!  We are surrounded by dull cloudy skies 90% of our long, dark and freezing winters.  When we get this sort of blue sky and white clouds, it usually indicates a freezing night.

We usually get this blue sky and white clouds in May where we have a heatwave for a few days and that’s our “Summer”!

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Happy days for us because our days are becoming longer. Daffodils are on sale in supermarkets. Valentine’s Day merchandise are on sale in shops, stores and supermarkets. Today I saw Easter Eggs on sale at the supermarket!

Welcome to February Glasgow, Scotland!