Decision making 2

When was the last time you were stuck with making an important decision? What a huge dilemma!!!

I am rarely indecisive because I am self assured and go with the flow…….why? I am a doer!  I do things, I make things happen, without thinking of the consequences at all…….which has it’s pros and cons. I rarely think of the consequences of my actions because I rarely think at all!!  That is who and what I am. When I do think, I get drained by all the details, the specifics, the what if’s and but’s and it totally sucks the happiness out of me. I think I am allergic to the negatives of thinking……of the consequences. Of all the what if’s and but’s that comes through my head. Why think so much and spend so much of my valuable time thinking when I could be doing, of being productive and getting results? Although the results may not be ideal and productive, I think one learns from doing ten times more than thinking!

My Aussie hubby tells me that I suffer the consequences of NOT planning the details and specifics of my plans in advance, which has detrimental consequences to my well being and health. He said I am missing out on stuff and things which has been a disadvantage, in his opinion. I do understand his point of view. Yet, how many times have I did something without thinking too much into it and learned from my mistakes than planning it to the last minute detail and coming up with all the irrational fears of “What if this happens and what if that happens” which only creates irrational fears for me to think about?

Missing out on stuff and things can be a disadvantage?  Yes and no. I think I would miss out ten times more from not taking action due to my irrational fears of the “What if’s and but’s” than I would from planning my actions to the tiniest little detail. To argue this point, there are times when it is totally vital and imperative to planning everything in minute detail, such as flying to a destination where we need our passport, travel insurance and all the other essentials necessary to enjoy our holiday. Minimise all potential risks and mistakes for a stress free holiday is my motto since I have gained much more experience and knowledge of travelling from flying since 2012.

I have a gargantuan issue with time. I was the caretaker in my family, taking care of everyone else other than myself. My needs, wants and desires were abandoned, neglected and dismissed. Due to this being a colossal part of my life until I decided to become a single mother and set myself free from my unfulfilled marriage, I never had the freedom to be my true authentic self. I never had the freedom to make mistakes, make decisions for myself and my life. Life is about trial and error. How do we know when a decision is the wrong or inappropriate one when we never make mistakes? How do we learn from life when we never make any mistakes? Not making a decision is still making a decision. The decision to procrastinate. Procrastination is the killer to progress and fulfillment in life.

Procrastination 3

I think the biggest difference in the thinkers and doers is the obvious one which is: thinkers think of all the things that could and would go wrong when making a decision because they are in their heads 90% of the time, whilst the doers are exactly the opposite. They are doing and taking action 90% of the time. Yes they make more mistakes than the thinkers, why?  They are the ones who are comfortable with making mistakes, again and again!  They learn more effectively from their mistakes than sitting and thinking of all the “What if’s and but’s” or as my Aussie hubby says “The consequences”!

Fuck the consequences because there are consequences to every little or big decision that we make. Our decision could be fool proof. It could be what we think is the perfect decision. It could be what we think “Nothing could go wrong” or “I have minimised all the possible things that could ever go wrong”. How much time is required to minimise all the possible things that could go wrong with any important decision we make? By the time a thinker has thought of all the actions they could take to minimise all of the possible things that could go wrong, I have already completed that same task.

Mistakes are deadly to thinkers 90% more than the doers. Doers are more comfortable with taking risks. Even the higher risks. Maybe one could argue that the doers are far too hasty, irrational and dysfunctional. Maybe they are right. I am certainly irrational when it comes to making decisions. I make my decisions based on my feelings. There is no rational thinking with me because I am ever so connected with my feelings. However, last night, I was faced with such a colossal dilemma with an important decision, I asked for the opinion of my middle son who was available (which is exceptionally rare) and my Aussie hubby in order to get their opinion and perspective. I wanted to have more information and details, which drains me and it was vital for my decision. I was amazed at my decision to get others’ opinions and perspective which is exceedingly out of my character. I was highly proud of myself for NOT making a hasty and rushed decision where the high risks could have cost me unnecessary ill health and negative emotions.

I think Jim Rohn has taught me well, exceptionally. He taught me that whenever I am faced with difficulties with making an important decision, to get pen and paper out. to write out what my issue is, write out my possible solutions, write out the pros and cons to each solution that I could possibly think of. This works for me. Thank goodness!


Happy Valentine’s Day to you beautiful people! What did you receive for Valentine’s Day?

I think this carry on with Valentine’s Day has become far too commercialised. Retailers, hotels, restaurants, florists, pubs, beauty salons, holiday destinations and more are all exploiting Valentine’s Day to increase their profits. Anyone in a business tries everything they possibly can to exploit and to take advantage of those who do not want to miss out on receiving gifts, in order to make them feel loved. I remember falling for this trap, that has become more expensive and ridiculous as the years passes. Receiving gifts, especially for women, gives us the feeling that someone was thinking of us, that we are worthy of spending the much more expensive bunch of flowers, chocolates, dinner by candlelight and much more. This gift receiving increases our self worth which to me, is dysfunctional and unhealthy. None of us need gifts to increase our self worth.

We need to fall in love with ourselves first. We need to accept ourselves for who and what we are. We need to love ourselves unconditionally. We need to show our flaws, imperfections, mistakes, scars, wounds, bruises and vulnerabilities. We need to be authentic and true with ourselves. We need to love everything about ourselves and our bodies ladies.

I remember demanding a bunch of flowers be given to me for my Valentine’s Day a number of years ago, in order for me to show off my worth!  Not many women likes to be left out and or missing out on receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day. Some women even go to the lengths of paying for a bunch of flowers to be sent to their work and have their colleagues believe that she has a special man in her life when she is single. How sad I hear you say?  I think it’s a fantastic idea because she loves herself to spend that sort of money on herself. Would I do it?  Absolutely no fucking way!  It is a personal choice. I am an extremely practical girl. Spending a small fortune on a bunch of flowers that has had it’s price increased because it is Valentine’s Day, in order to fill a void in my life?  Fuck off!  I would save that money towards a holiday, a life experience that I get to create memories for years to come. A bunch of flowers from the florist lasts a maximum of ten days to fourteen, if you can stretch it that far! Haha

Since I began my personal development journey over six and a half years ago, I have learned to fall in love with myself, with my life, with my body and with who and what I was born to be. I sent myself Valentine’s cards when I knew no one would. I sent myself postcards too whilst I was travelling in foreign land. I bought myself flowers whenever I wanted. I treated myself to whatever I wanted to because I deserved to. I went to the cinema on my own for the first time last year. I have learned to spoil myself rotten because I deserve to.

ladies, save your man’s money on Valentine’s Day and ask him to spoil you throughout the year which is cheaper and more cheerful. There’s no need to conform to society’s expectations and unspoken standards that men must spoil us rotten on Valentine’s Day or it means that they don’t love us or value us. Be smarter than falling for the exploitation of the commercialised businesses.

Why does men have such a hard time pleasing his lady throughout the year and then on Valentine’s Day too? Give your man a break and ask him what he wants for his Valentine’s Day? Spoil your man rotten for his Valentine’s Day because he deserves it too.

Would you like to know what I received for my Valentine’s?  A mushy Valentine’s card and an entire box of chocolates that was a gargantuan surprise. That’s all I received. No expensive flowers from the florist, no higher price dinner or theatre. No, absolutely none. Why?  I told my Aussie hubby that I think Valentine’s Day is merely a way for businesses to rake in extra money at the expensive of the weak and vulnerable. I told him that I think we need to show our love to our special someone throughout the year and not do it on this particular day in order for businesses to take advantage of us.

Let’s be smarter with our man’s money and save it for memories that we create throughout the year. Fuck Valentine’s day!


I’m exhausted, drained and feeling so fed up with my aches and pains from life. I wake up in our freezing and dark mornings to the music from my alarm clock, to cook breakfast for my twelve year old son Calvin,  in order for him to get a cooked breakfast before he leaves for school. I was never looked after like this from my parents when I got into high school. I want to give this to Calvin because he deserves it. It also allows him to eat breakfast with his mum instead of either going without breakfast or eating on his own which he detests. He would rather not eat go at all or go for something that doesn’t give him the vital nutrients that his growing body requires for optimal health.

I long to feel as energetic as I did when I was a little child. I long to have the unconditional love from my parents. I would love to have the freedom and the right to make my own choices, even though my choices could be wrong. Making wrong choices is the only way to learn what is right and what is wrong for me and my life. I long to have the total freedom to be who and what I was born to be. Loud and proud. Noisy and crazy. Funny and witty. Speaks my mind to express my thoughts and feelings, with no intentions of offending anyone.

I long to have the freedom to do whatever I want with my time, instead of taking care of others who do not love me unconditionally. I would love to have my valuable time back where I could just be me. The person I was born to be. The person I longed to be. The person who longed to be free to be who she is. I have accumulated a tonne of aches and pains from being controlled and abused from my dysfunctional and unhealthy family system. I dream of being born into a functional and healthy family system. I dream of having functional and healthy parents and siblings. I dream of having boundaries and a solid structure in my life, instead of being told to go here and there or told to do this and that, without the freedom to refuse.

I am struggling immensely to parent my inner child and inner teen. They are exceptionally demanding and difficult to parent because I was not parented in a functional and healthy manner.  On a productive day, I get to complete all of my tasks that I had planned. On an unproductive day, I feel sick and exhausted from my aches and pains from life. On a sunny day like today, I want to get an many tasks completed as possible because the sunshine lifts me up. On a dull and deary day, I just want to be a couch potato and binge watch my favourite TVB drama. I just want to do absolutely nothing and spoil myself with what I enjoy doing as a child. I just want to play like I did as a child in Hong Kong, with big brother and cousin Becky. Those were my happiest days of my childhood. I miss those days so much!

Being a single mother with three sons, who were also born into a dysfunctional family system, my two older sons were taught by their dad’s mother that boys don’t do housework.  I have struggled and been challenged to have them help me with our housework. My two older sons were never taught to get into the good and responsible habit of helping around our home with housework. Calvin, who was cared for by my parents, since he was a baby, was taught mainly by my mum, to help around the home with housework. Calvin is smart to negotiate with me on getting pocket money for helping me with our housework nowadays because he’s focused on saving money. He knows that he deserves to be paid for his valuable time and effort. I would never have been this smart to negotiate with my parents for helping with housework. Nor was I taught that I deserved to get something for my valuable time and effort.

I long to have been valued and felt important to my parents. I long to have a healthier and more loving relationship with my parents. Sadly, that shall never happen. Sadly, that has not happened in my current job either. That is why I have handed in my notice. I learned from this current job, that I need to feel I am valued and feel important to my employer. This has been an insightful lesson in my life.

Awesome Quotes New Beginnings God

I am due to start a new job next week with a new employer, who has already shown me that they value their employees. I am grateful that my vision ( which I wrote at the beginning of last month)  for my ideal job is becoming a reality. Woo hoo!  I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel!  The aches and pains from this current job shall end at the end of this week. I am absolutely delighted and bursting with excitement. I also have butterflies churning inside my tummy, with an exuberant load of anxiety due to me going into the unknown with a new job. I got into a new job this time last year and only lasted five weeks in it. I think my subconscious mind is anxious about this.  Leaving this current job is the most constructive thing to do for my inner peace and happiness.

Bring on next week and the uncertainties because I am embracing them all!

Woo Hoo!  Happy first of February everyone!

What challenges did you face weather wise last month? Here in Glasgow, Scotland, we had snow (and more snow),  hail, wind, rain, freeeeezing temperatures and rarely the odd sunshine hours to pick up our dull, deary and depressing moods!

We woke up to this sunshine this morning…….


I was happier than Larry because January for me, due to my suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder, is draining, depressing and exceptionally dull. I crave sugary, fatty and salty foods. Any food that heightens my emotions. I’ve been fortunate enough to have found St John’s Wart from Holland and Barrett, my Lumie Brightspark lightbox and my positive mental attitude from six and a half years of personal development to keep me sane during this most challenging winter! My moods during this tough winter has been lifted from the daily dose of St John’s Wart. Thank you!

The temperature had risen today and I was comfortable and warm wearing my lighter three in one winter jacket with my white cotton scarf and the Kangaroo hat that my Aussie hubby bought me.


Look at the blue sky and white clouds?  This is a rare sight here in Glasgow, Scotland during our winter and “Summer”!  We are surrounded by dull cloudy skies 90% of our long, dark and freezing winters.  When we get this sort of blue sky and white clouds, it usually indicates a freezing night.

We usually get this blue sky and white clouds in May where we have a heatwave for a few days and that’s our “Summer”!


Happy days for us because our days are becoming longer. Daffodils are on sale in supermarkets. Valentine’s Day merchandise are on sale in shops, stores and supermarkets. Today I saw Easter Eggs on sale at the supermarket!

Welcome to February Glasgow, Scotland!


We have been warned of more snow on the way!………..AGAIN!

Embrace it everyone!

Waiting for a bus getting to my destination in the challenging weather this winter has been freezing my toes off!  We only had a few inches of snow and our roads was like an ice rink!  The bus that I was on one Tuesday evening, exactly two weeks ago,  after my Toastmasters meeting got stuck in the snow when it had stopped at a bus stop to allow passengers to get off.  It took the driver a few different manoeuvres to get the bus moving again. We were literally crawling along the road to the snow flurries that was falling down energetically. This journey home usually takes no more than twenty minutes. The snow flurries falling slowed my journey time and added more frustration for me and the bus driver.


When I got off the bus………this was what I had to deal with. Walking in this snow!  I was dragging my feet that had my brown cosy boots on, getting home as fast as my legs were fit to carry me. Thank goodness I was well wrapped up with my layers, scarf, cosy Kangaroo hat and gloves to keep me warm! What was usually a five minute walk home, became a ten minute walk in the eerie and quiet street where it was absolutely still as a tomb. Ohhhhhhh!  How scary!

Get set for more snow and travel chaos Glasgow!


How many of you set a New Year’s Resolution for 2018? How are you achieving it? Statistics indicate that a gargantuan 92% of people give up on their New Year’s Resolution before March. Why?


It’s a new year which means new beginnings, a new chapter and new opportunities.

Awesome Quotes New Beginnings God

I delivered a prepared speech last week at my Toastmasters club meeting about knowing what our why is!

We must know why we want to do something. Whatever we want from life, we must know why we want it.

January always heightens the emotions of those who have set themselves a New Year’s Resolution. They are excited about achieving their set resolution. Yet they have not did any of their required homework to get them to their goal.

The majority of people make New Year’s Resolutions, without knowing why they want to achieve their Resolution. They mainly focus on how to get there and neglect to ask themselves why they want to get their hands on their Resolution.

Focusing on the how to get to our Resolution exhausts us mentally and emotionally when we are faced with the daily challenges of life. Life is difficult enough without more unnecessary challenges. When we are focusing on the “how do I get  to my end result” of our Resolution, we do not have our “Why Power” as mentioned by Darren Hardy in his program “Living Your Best Year ever” which I asked for from my Aussie hubby. Darren Hardy informs his readers that having our “Why Power” is much more compelling and powerful than having a weak “How”.

Forget about the excitement of your New Year’s Resolution and start to focus on the Why! Why do you want to lose weight or go to the gym? Why do you want to stop smoking or gain more energy? Why do you want to earn more money or get a new job? The answer to your why is what pushes you to work on achieving your Resolution when the going gets tough, when you want to give up and quit.

By the end of January, as you are working towards your Resolution, your heightened emotions that you had at the beginning of January slowly disappears and dissipates. You are now left with no excitement to keep you focused on what you had set for yourself to accomplish. This is one of the many reasons why New Year’s Resolutions rarely work. It lacks the details. Without the details and specifics, we have no idea where we are heading. It is like getting inside a car, starting the engine, without knowing your destination. Why would you do that to yourself?

I know why I want to achieve every goal that I set for myself. There is a profound reason for each and every one of them. My reasons may sound crazy and impossible to some, yet to me, I am more than confident that I shall accomplish them because I trust myself and my capabilities.


With six and a half years of personal development, I am well advanced and ahead than those who have not invested in the time and effort to work hard on themselves. They lack trust in their own beliefs, self confidence, self discipline and this is why they make up any excuse citing that no amount of personal development works.

I realised the value of personal development from my well established mentor Jim Rohn whom I never got to meet, yet I have listened to a good amount of his speeches, seminars, read some of his books and continue to top up on his knowledge as often as possible.

Jim Rohn taught me that we must continue to educate ourselves with new skills and knowledge by reading and listening to the necessary materials to help us get ahead with life.

My why for my consistent daily personal development is what has powered me to where I am today. I have learned more in the past six and a half years, that is essential to achieving success than I ever did from attending school from the age of four until eighteen. School does not teach us how to accomplish our goals. We must teach ourselves.

Whenever I am stuck and want to quit on achieving my goals, I am able to bring out my “Why Power” to get me back on track to success. I know what the consequences would be if I did not accomplish my goals. The consequences are more compelling and powerful than any “How to get to my goal?”

What is your why?

Christmas Day after dinner, I am sitting on our living room couch, reflecting on my achievements. What have I achieved this year? What have I learned and gained this year? What am I grateful for this year?

Reflection 1















This time last year, I was working as a housekeeper with a micro managing manager who was extremely abusive, controlling and manipulating. She was far too toxic to be around. Thankfully I left that job at the end of January this year. What a huge sigh of relief to no longer go into work each morning and to listen to your manager tell you that no matter how hard you work, no matter how responsible you are, no matter how much effort you put into your work, it is never ever good enough. I felt super hyper, excited and energised when I walked into work on a Monday morning and told this toxic manager that I was “firing her”!  Woo hoo!

My next job was at a call centre, which was my first experience at a call centre and it was cold calling. I was eager to challenge myself to work in an office environment and learned that it was not my cup of coffee. I didn’t last there and thank goodness for that. It was a gargantuan blessing in disguise! Apparently this company was doing illegal things to their employees and I was saved when I was dismissed after five weeks! Hehe

My next job, which is my current one, began at the end of May. It was my first job as a server in over 15 years. It may not be my ideal job yet I get so much banter and fun with my colleagues. I get hugs from them and we are a great team. Having worked in an office environment and it didn’t suit me, this job is much more suitable for me because I get to talk to our customers, face to face. I get to be walking about instead of sitting down at a computer and that suits my “active, super hyper inner child”.

Career wise, I am still pursuing my public speaking goal by attending regular Toastmasters meetings. I completed my Competent Communication Manual in September and received my Advanced Manuals to further develop my public speaking skills. I came second in our club’s Table Topics Speech Contest also in September. I am in the process of applying to become a speaker at our local Tedx Talk in June next year. I want to step out of my comfort zone with my public speaking and expand. I am too comfortable at my local Toastmasters club and need new challenges! Hehe

On my personal life, I found my local Coda group in May to help me get onto the road to recovery and healing from my codependency. From attending regular meetings, I have gained a colossal amount of insights, knowledge and wisdom as to why I was set up to have unhealthy, dysfunctional and toxic relationships. I am now able to recognise when I am being controlled, manipulated or abused by others. I am able to put up clear boundaries to protect myself from potential harm and pain. It has been excruciatingly painful to go through my past pains at Coda, where I was neglected, abandoned, abused and left in turmoil. The intense pains was absolutely necessary for me to go through to gain recovery and healing. There have been days this year where I thought of suicide due to the excruciating pain that I have been through from my dysfunctional family set up. I am grateful for my emotional intelligence otherwise I would probably be in hospital from self harm. The phrase “This too shall pass” has served me well. Thank you.

My most memorable moment this year was marrying my Aussie sweetheart in July, in Hong Kong. We had a wedding photo shoot which was paid for by his siblings. It was my dream and it came true because I asked. Planning, preparing and organising for our wedding required a tonne of help from hubby, hubby’s siblings, my cousins in Hong Kong and getting time off work. My mum, younger brother and his wife flew to Hong Kong for our wedding which was a blessing. Our wedding photo shoot was nowhere as glamorous as it is misled to be. I could not sit down in my choice of wedding dress at the studio. The wedding dress was ever so tight all over, I felt pain and discomfort throughout the photo shoot. Thank goodness the photographer was efficient and took less time with my wedding dress photos. I loved my choice of evening gown for our wedding photo shoot. It was extravagant, extremely comfortable and sexy!

Our big day turned out to be free of unexpected challenges. Sitting for two hours to have my make up and hair put up was my biggest challenge because this was my first and possibly my last! Haha   The weather stayed dry for us until after our ceremony at the registrar office. I had no idea what to expect when we got to my new mother-in-law’s home. Our traditional Chinese rituals was time consuming and tiring. It was extremely demanding and noisy with so many bodies. I didn’t know who was who. The best thing about the rituals was receiving money in red envelopes! Hehe

Our “banquet” in the evening was a rather casual affair. The atmosphere was fun and the children present created childlike memories for us to keep. I even got to deliver an impromptu speech with much confidence when hubby passed me the mic after he delivered his speech with many ahs and ers because he’s not a Toastmaster! Haha

Our honeymoon was a simple trip to Cheung Chaw, an island by 30 minutes ferry from Hong Kong. It rained all day on our second day and spoiled our adventure. However, I thoroughly enjoyed our alone time to bond and create more fond memories. I fell in love with the view of the beach from our balcony.  The heli pad outside was amazing!

Nurturing our LDR after our wedding has been challenging yet it has been delightful to know that we have a solid relationship foundation to fall back on. Our emotional intelligence between us has been a humongous bonus. We are still learning about each other and that can be both frustrating and fun. Our goal was to close this physical gap by the end of next year however, a major set back is holding us back. I was once told “set backs are setting us up for better things”, I am wondering what better things is coming our way from this major set back?

This year has given me more challenges to handle and deal with than last year. I have been emotionally drained from expanding and growing. Stepping out of my comfort zone on a consistent level has been ever so tiring, exhausting and I have gained more experiences and knowledge. I am most grateful for my local Coda group where I have learned a gargantuan load of things regarding my dysfunctional family set up.

I made an exceptionally tough decision to no longer attend family gatherings where my dad and younger brother would be present because their behaviours suck the happiness out of me as they have become far too toxic to be around for my health and well being. It broke my heart because I have always wanted to spend time with my family. I must do whatever I can to protect my happiness, health and well being.

There have been most of this year where I felt quite the loner due to me being very selective as to who I surround myself with. I went to the cinema for the first time on my own last month and thoroughly enjoyed the experience and craving to go on my own again! Hehe

I travelled to Sheffield last month on my own for my first Toastmasters Conference and that was a scary experience because I was going into the unknown on my own. The conference was a fantastic way for me to mingle with other Toastmasters from other areas in District 71. I got the opportunity to be interviewed by a radio presenter. Moira took me up to her room and conducted the interview in about 15 minutes. I felt like a celebrity! Hehe

I have come to realise that I no longer want to be surrounded with narcissistic people like Tony, whom I had spent some of my spare time with this year. I no longer enjoy the conversations with narcissistic people anymore. I enjoy intellectual conversations or any conversations to do with what I am interested or passionate about. The small talk, gossip, moaning, ranting and raving puts me to sleep. I love to connect with people and to relate to them. I love and enjoy friendships where we have many things in common. I rarely get what I crave in friendships and I would rather be a loner and lonely than be surrounded by people whom I do not enjoy their company with. I have learned to enjoy my own company since big brother passed away suddenly four years ago.

The last few days of 2017 shall be a more relaxed time for me to rest, recharge and plan ahead for 2018. My emotions have been consistently taken on a roller coaster ride this year due to my gargantuan, humongous and colossal personal growth. I am ever so proud of my accomplishments this year. I am ever so grateful to my Aussie hubby for being there as always to support me. He has been my rock! Thank you.

excitement 1

I am excited for the New Year. More challenges. More personal growth and more life experiences to be gained. More goals to achieve which is my “hobby”. I have many prepared speeches to plan, prepare and practice for Toastmasters. I plan to participate in our club’s Speech Contest due to take place in March to step out of my comfort zone and grow. I am looking forward to whatever 2018 has in store for me because I have what it takes to handle them! Hehe




How many people do you know who are affected with the “winter blues”?  The lethargic feeling when we wake up in the winter mornings due to a lack of sunlight. The sluggish feeling of having no energy whatsoever to get us through our day, everyday. The feeling of “Oh five minutes of snooze time” and I shall get out of bed when our alarm goes off in the mornings when we have work to go to. The feeling of “Oh I just want to stay in bed and hibernate” each and every morning when that dreaded alarm goes off.  It is like the sky turns grey in winter along with my moods. Does any of these symptoms sound familiar to you?

I’ve had Seasonal Affective Disorder since I was in my mid teens. I remember the first early signs of this “mood disorder” was when I felt exceedingly sleepy one early evening as I sat on the couch watching television with dad and drifting off to sleep. I was very curious as to why I was feeling so sleepy and tired when I had did very little to tire my body. As the days of that winter passed, I realised I was extremely sleepy after the long dark nights set in. I just wanted to sleep my early evenings away after dinner.

As long as I had work to keep me busy, I would be able to stay awake. If and when I was idle on a day without any sunlight during the long and dark winter days, I found myself much more sleepy and tired. On a sunny, cold and freezing day during our winters, we would get enough sunshine to keep my moods up. Yet on a dull, dark and wet day, I would have no energy or mood whatsoever to do whatever I needed to do. I remember calling into work and telling my boss that I was sick, when I merely had no energy or the motivation to get into work. I stayed at home feeling heavily depressed and with no motivation or energy to take care of myself. I just stayed in bed and felt depressed for the entire day and night.

I had never learned anything about low moods, winter depression, winter blues, or anything associated with Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD. For many of my adult life, I lived through the dark, long and depressing winters, just dragging my body out of bed in the mornings with loads of energy and focus. It was a constant battle in the mornings for me to take care of my needs. As the day went on, my tiredness and sleepiness wore off and I felt more energised.


With the advances of technology, I was able to read up on SAD on the internet and learned that I could treat my symptoms with a “Light box”.  I bought my first “Light box” from Amazon at  the beginning of 2008 which was an alarm clock that lit up slowly thirty minutes before I was due to wake up. Having the sun beaming strongly at me each dark winter morning was a new found energy booster first thing in our dreary winter mornings for me. I was ecstatic and feeling like my regular self that I was during our Spring and Summer months from using my new “Light box”.

When I thought I had fixed my symptoms of SAD, something unexpected happened in October of 2008. I was diagnosed with depression by my doctor. That winter was one of the most challenging and overwhelming for me. I was signed off work for two weeks. I felt weak, fragile, vulnerable and anxious. I had never felt like this in my entire life. My SAD got from bad to worse. It took a number of years to get me out of that deep rut of depression.

My Amazon “Light box alarm clock” was only working to help me get out of bed. Yet, during the day, in the winters, I would feel sluggish and without any motivation whatsoever to live my life to the max. This changed when I invested in a bigger Light Box that I used in our living room. I would use it for around sixty to ninety minutes each day. It topped up my energy like going to the gym.


My diet was very poor during winter as I had an intense craving for salty, sweet or fatty foods which tired my body twenty times more. This went on for years until…….I started to take a daily capsule of St John’s Wort earlier this year. I took the St John’s Wort to fix my low moods during the seven days of my monthly PMS. I felt much more energetic and happier after starting on the St John’s Wort, throughout my monthly PMS. What a breakthrough!  I finally felt like I was getting my life back again. I was enjoying my new found energy.

So far this winter, I have been feeling my energy levels as high as when I was a teenager before my SAD symptoms appeared. I no longer crave as much of the salty, sweet and fatty foods as I did prior to taking St John’s Wort. My body is twenty times healthier this winter. What a fantastic feeling!  I shall continue to take my St John’s Wort. Thank you.


Norman Vincent Peale’s quote “Nothing of great value comes easily in this life” has me pondering why this is???  Since I began my journey with personal development in June 2011, I have been investing time in working hard on myself daily and consistently. I have reaped many gargantuan rewards from developing myself.  For the most part of this challenging year, I have been feeling deflated, crashed with disappointed that my life seems to be more challenging than when I began my personal development. Why?  What is it that creates this challenge?  I have the skills that I developed over the years to help me overcome set backs, challenges and hurdles. Life seems to constantly throw obstacles my way.  Sigh!

I take some time to recover from the emotional roller coaster that I am constantly dealing with, from my “Two steps back”. I even counted in my head and thought about this “two steps back”. “If I take one step forward and two steps back, how many steps forward have I taken?”  Call me crazy, stupid, incompetent or whatever, this mental maths is somewhat fucking confusing to me. I take one step forward, only to be taking two steps back, which means I have taken six steps forward. That must mean I am making progress right? Hang on a minute, I am taking twelve steps back for every step I take forward. How does that sum work out? Six steps forward and twelve steps back means progress?  How does that define progress?  How does that make sense?  There seems to be no logic in this crazy theory??? That was what was going through my mind recently as I was about to drift off to sleep one night.

I shared this confusing thought with my Aussie hubby. He explained to me that when one is making progress, one is going in a course of what is called an “S curve” meaning that there shall be ups and downs during their progress. Ups and downs?  Oh ok, then what do I do with these ups and downs?  They are holding me back as they create negative emotions for me to handle as well as handling the fact that I am in need of time out to recover from the emotional roller coaster that I have been on as life throws me many unexpected set backs, hurdles, obstacles, challenges and it never seems to stop.

It is demanding enough for me juggling work, chores, responsibilities of a mum, maintaining my overall health in good shape, maintaining a long distance relationship, continuing with my personal development and attend regular Toastmasters meetings as well as my CODA meetings. I rarely get a whole day to indulge on entertainment. If and when I do, I play catch up the next day, all day.  I have worked out that it works better for me to have half of a day for entertainment and catch up less the day after. Trials and errors is what helps me to find out what works and what doesn’t work for me.  “Mistakes are proof that I am trying!”  I am not afraid to make mistakes. They are a vital ingredient to my success.

I am no quitter. I have built grit over the years and nothing and nobody brings me down for long. I pick myself up, dust myself off and I take off soaring into the sky again, after I have taken some time to recover. Winners never quit. Quitters never win!

Today, I had planned to do some chores yet I was dragged down by the rainy weather, a disturbed sleep last night and a few issues that was brought to my attention regarding my LDR. What do I do?  I take time out to recover at home and cancelled my Toastmasters meeting. I was super hyper about it as I had taken on the role of Table Topics Master. Disappointed?  Yes I was. Yet I believe things happen for a good reason. Things shall keep on recurring until we learn the lesson that the universe wanted us to learn from.

Going back to Norman Vincent Peale’s quote, “nothing of great value comes easily in this life”……….I think we value the things that we worked exceptionally hard for. I am ever grateful to have been introduced to personal development back in June 2011. I took the opportunity to turn my life around. From being stuck in a deep rut, living my life for others, staying in toxic, abusive and unhealthy relationships and situations for far too long, to eliminating all negative, toxic, abusive and unhealthy relationships and situations. What a grand adventure I have been through!

At present, I have got to the level of personal development where I am consistent with my progress. I have achieved many small and big goals. I have developed a strong character. I have acquired many essential skills vital for a healthy relationship with myself and others. I make tough decisions, two of them was made last week and had me emotionally drained. I am extremely selective about the people I surround myself with. No drama queens. No complainers. No abusive, toxic and unhealthy relationships, even with my family. I thoroughly enjoy my alone time. I get to decide where to go, what to do and when to do it. I am smart about what I do with my time because once my day is gone, I shall never get it back. I think I have wasted more than enough time taking care of others. From now on, it is my time to shine and be self-ing.

One step forward and two steps back is progress. Only those who never take that one step forward, are the ones who are living in a deep rut, denying themselves of a better quality of life.

A better quality of life is what I strive for even if it means I am taking one step forward and two steps back everyday. Cheers to my “One step forward and two steps back!”

Decisions 3

Dear dad

After much serious consideration from the extremely unpleasant dinner I had with you and other family members on Wednesday evening, I have decided, for my overall health and well being, that I shall no longer be spending anymore of my valuable time with you or Tony. The dinner was not as enjoyable as it has been in the past. Add to the tension of our massive disagreement, I felt I had made a colossal mistake by attending the dinner. I have played in my head, thousands of times, of how I could have handled your shaming in a more constructive way. I think it would have been for my best interest to leave as soon as you started your abuse. That way, I would have put up a boundary with you where you know for certain that I do not tolerate any nonsense from you!

I see a very destructive pattern in your behaviour whenever we have dinner with extended family members. I get the same shaming from you as I did a number of years ago, when I found my voice through my personal development journey. I think you want to keep me under your control. I think you want me to stay quiet and keep my mouth shut. I have my rights to express my thoughts, feelings and opinions in this country.   I think you cannot handle the strong woman that I have become. I think you are scared of what I am becoming and therefore you want to control her. That shall never happen because I am more resilient and stronger now. I have my self esteem, confidence and inner strength to stand up to what I think is my rights. I shall express myself, just as Tony expresses himself at family gatherings. I deserve to be treated with respect and with equal rights as Tony. I do not tolerate double standards from you. Why is it acceptable for Tony to criticise my sons? Yet when I express myself whilst having a conversation with Tony, you scold me?  No dad your scolding is stopping here and now!

I am cutting the cord to being abused, dismissed, ignored, criticised, judged, ridiculed, shamed, controlled and manipulated by you and your unreasonable behaviours. I am no longer tolerating any form of abuse from you and Tony. I am cutting all ties with unhealthy, toxic and shaming ways of relating to me. I am living my life the way I want to. Nobody tells me what I can and cannot say or do. I get to decide what I say and what I do. I have the freedom to be who and what I was born to be. I am no longer keeping quiet whenever I am abused. I do not need your approval to live my life the way I want to live. I do not need your approval to be who and what I was born to be. I am not in any shape or form, to be controlled because I am free as a bird.

Since I began attending regular Coda meetings in May this year, I have learned that I stayed in unhealthy, toxic and destructive environments for far too long creating self harm. I have harmed myself for far too long. It is now time to be “Self-ing” and take care of myself and my health.

Decisions 4

The decision to stop spending my valuable time with you and Tony was an exceedingly tough and difficult one. It was absolutely necessary for my health. I am deeply hurt that I have had to make such a decision as you and Tony are my family. Why is our family this destructive and unable to show compassion, kindness and unconditional love for each other?  Why does Tony get away with murder and I am shamed for merely being me?  I noticed some years ago that my crazy mum who knows how to have fun is never ever herself in the presence of you dad. Then I realised why that is. It is because you are far too serious and boring. It is because you do not know how to have fun. It is because you are not childlike. It is because you are not connected with your inner child. I think you are scared of mum shaming you by being childlike. I think you are far too scared of what others will say about mum being childlike. I have heard you say things like “Don’t say or do that because people will laugh at you!”  Who gives a fuck as to what others think about what we say or do?  I certainly don’t because I am so busy having fun. I do not need others’ approval of me having fun and living my life to the max!

My heart has been stabbed once again this week!  I am recovering from the intense pain of what happened at dinner on Wednesday night. I want healthy relationships and that shall never happen with you and me because of your unresolved issues from your codependence. I have been left with only one option which has destroyed my delusion of what I would get from my family.   I realised that I must take great care of my emotional health or else I shall suffer from illnesses that shall cripple me and that is the last thing I want to deal with.

I once craved to have your unconditional love just like big brother had told me when he was alive. I once craved to have your compassion and empathy. I once craved to have a loving and caring dad. I have let go of this craving because it was my inner child’s, NOT mine!  A gargantuan part of me seems to have died this week!  How depressing and deeply painful that is!   Is it a coincidence that this happened on the week of my big brother’s fourth anniversary of his passing?  I think it happened during this time for a very good reason.

I want to express to you that you have lost your one and only daughter to your toxic and shaming ways. I have been thinking about cutting all contact with you because I am no longer prepared to be abused by you. I think you no longer deserve my valuable time. I think our relationship ends here. I even thought about not attending your funeral, when it comes, just like you were absent from big brother’s!

What is our family for if we are not capable of loving each other just the way we are? What is our family for if we are not capable to sit down, have dinner without being blunt with each other and shaming each other? What is our family for if we are not taking the time to understand each other and connect on a deeper level?  What is our family for if we are only going to kill each other with our nasty, cruel, shaming and toxic words each time we see each other at family gathering?

matters of the heart 2

I am once again deeply hurt and in intense pain from making such a difficult and tough decision about my family. I come first now because I am cutting the cord to your abuse!  Good bye dad!