Archives for the month of: April, 2017

When was the last time you got some relationship advice from anyone?  How much do you listen to their advice and process it?  How open are you to relationship advice?

I was having lunch with a dear friend yesterday and he offered me some sound and wise tips on how to be an independent woman after marriage as I am due to become my sweetheart’s wife. He told me that women of this era must be able to financially take care of themselves instead of depending on their partner for the financial security. I totally agree with him because we are not gauranteed a tomorrow. What shall we do if our partner suddenly dies or goes bankrupt? How do we support ourselves and survive the hardship without any financial security to fall back on?  Money makes the world go round as the saying goes. Without money, we are stuck and this creates so many problems. If we have dependent children, then it is much more important to build some sort of financial security for them and us.

I became a single mother to my three sons, when they were aged 2, 11 and 13. I struggled immensely due to me having no financial security whatsoever. I received no child maintenance from my sons father which created more stress for me. I wish I had learned back then that it was vital to have some money put aside for such rainy days.

This dear friend of mine also advised me to continue to make progress as I am doing now. It is vital to have a life of progress consistently for personal growth. Women are capable of achieving so many things, outside of their relationship he said. Men respect such women a whole lot more. Women who have a life outside of their romantic relationship are much more attractive compared to those who are too lazy to achieve anything and become a lady of leisure because their partner has a business. Their partner’s business has nothing to do with the woman’s personal growth and achievements. Yet these women seem to have these two differences confused with who and what they are!

strong women

I see many Chinese women from my culture who have partners that run their own business and these women become the typical “lady of leisure” where they go shoppping and have high tea with their friends. These women have no desire to learn new skills, volunteer to help those in need, establish their own career or attend classes to learn something, anything. They solely depend on their partner’s income to support them which is very dangerous because they have become far too comfortable to get out there to establish a life and a career for themselves. They are merely living for shopping and having high tea with their friends, whilst their partners are working.

I was once so envious of these women until I learned that these women would never ever be able to stand on their own two feet if their partner failed in their business or died suddenly. Nowadays, I am constantly learning something, anything to enhance my life and make consistent progress for happiness. I no longer focus all of my spare time, energy and attention on my long distance relationship. I have a life outside of our LDR where I do what I want and when I want. I was once a love addict and that was very draining and toxic. It was so unhealthy where I lost myself to a romantic relationship.

Life has many wonders to offer us and it is imperative that we search those wonders through some soul searching. Finding our passions helps us to focus on fulfilling our dreams and creating a better and happier life for ourselves. No one is responsible for our happiness, other than ourselves. There are so many things that we could do to create happiness for us, other than investing time, energy and attention into our romantic relationship.

Healthy romantic relationships are what we want to build. We want to have our own individuality and still be available for our romantic relationship. It is so important that we never ever lose ourselves when we are in a romantic relationship. When we do, we lose the focus on what we want from our lives and this is where so many women become heartbroken when their romantic relationship ends. This is a recipe for diseases and sickness. That is the last thing us women want.

My dear friend offered the advice of “keep dating your partner” after marriage. Keep the spark alive by going out to do things together. “Make time for each other after marriage and no excuses here” he said. Never ever neglect to take care of your marriage or else it shall create a distance between you both. “Pull the weeds” as Jim Rohn wrote in his book “Twelve Pillars”. I know this already Tony! Hehe   Why do you think our LDR has lasted three years and still going strong?

Tony told me that it is never a wise thing to do to tell my partner, future husband that it’s too expensive to go here or to do this together. The money is well worth spending to  create memories and fun for each other which is the secret to maintaining the spark. Our spark is what keeps the relationship going from strength to strength. Tony said “It is best to be able to earn more money than to save money by scrimping on things that need money to maintain your relationship”.  I do agree with him on this one to a certain extent. It is a woman’s hardwiring to save money due to scarcity in our olden days where money was always tight.

intimacy three

I think we are able to create time for our relationship after marriage as we are solution orientated. We value each other and our relationship to commit time, focus and energy into it for long lasting love and intimacy. On the subject of intimacy, I think we deserve a gold medal for keeping the emotional and mental connection alive for intimacy. Although the physical intimacy is absent, we have all the tools and knowledge to create intimacy by other means. We are authentic with each other therefore, we have intimacy. Shirley Smith’s “Without authenticity, there can be no intimacy” in her book “Behind Closed Doors” serves us well as we have both read the book. We are in a healthy relationship with ourselves and each other which is what makes our LDR work.

Bring on our wedding and more memories of fun, laughter, love and intimacy from our authenticity!

How do we gain more confidence? How important is confidence to us? Why is confidence necessary?

I delivered my seventh prepared speech last night at Toastmasters, with a project “Research your topic” from our Competent Communicator Manual. I linked my personal story into my speech as people are able to relate to true stories and get captured by them. Talking about a personal matter can be daunting on stage, yet I am free to talk about my personal matters because I am authentic. I have set myself free from shame that I had picked up from my dysfunctional family set up.

I talked about my dysfunctional family set up in my speech and having the freedom and courage to do so, sets me free to live for myself, instead of others. In my speech, I spoke about “Without authenticity, there can be no intimacy” as Shirley Smith wrote in her book “Behind Closed Doors”. I read this book after my long distance Aussie sweetheart sent it to me back in February 2016. The author’s information was very educational and I learned how to create more intimacy with my sweetheart. What a bonus for both of us!

set yourself free

“We are only as sick as our secrets” Shirley Smith writes in her book “Behind Closed Doors”. Whilst she does not encourage us to air our dirty laundry to the public, she does encourage us to be authentic and this sets us free to being a prisoner of what others think or say about us. Having a solid personal foundation is the secret ingredient to being authentic.

I gained many valuable tools to build my personal foundation from the ground up after I began listening to Jim Rohn, who became my mentor after I was introduced to personal development in June 2011. I had a very weak and vulnerable foundation from being born in a very dysfunctional family. Gradually, from investing daily time on working hard on myself, I began on building my foundation, from the ground up. Almost six years later, my solid personal foundation is serving me very well with every aspect of my life.

I am able to focus on meeting my needs, wants and desires as mentioned in Shirley Smith’s book “Behind Closed Doors” for a solid personal foundation. I am totally focused on working on my goals due to eliminating toxic and negative people from my life.  I no longer entertain toxicity or negativity. I live in a positive bubble. I have my set of values that I live by.

I am finally free to live my life the way I want to. I am living for me, no matter what others say or think of me. I am free to be who and what I was born to be. Having no more limiting beliefs is such a light and free heaven to live in. I am thoroughly enjoying living my life to the max because I set myself free to the unspoken, unreasonable and unrealistic expectations of who and what I am expected to be. It is vital to have the freedom to live our own lives the way we want to, without any limiting restrictions. Then and only then, are we finally free, free as a bird to do what we always wanted to do, whenever we want, with whoever we want.

This is where I am at with my life. Free as a bird, soaring up and high, into the sky.

I see many people in my circle of influence from my own community who are imprisoned by their dysfunctional family set up. They have lost their true self, their authenticity and they are all very sick. I am blessed to be free from sickness now. No more dysfunction. I have a very healthy relationship with myself because of my authenticity. Shame caged me into a box, a trap, where I felt tired, drained and was extremely sick. Nowadays, it is such a contrast.

Confidence is having the freedom to do whatever we want, within reason, with our own lives, without the need to constantly be tied to what others say or think about us, about what we do, what we wear, where we live or work, who we choose to be friends with or who we marry. Confidence is knowing clearly what we need, want and desire, then taking charge of meeting those needs, wants and desires. Confidence is having clear set values. These are the secret ingredients to our solid personal foundation.

I am feeling hyper, energetic and excited to be able to enjoy living each day with some craziness as I have so much fun with my inner child. I am childlike, playful and passionately curious about things and people around me. I am bringing out my creativity that was once lost. I have found my passions and life is so much more meaningful. Thank you so much to my consistent hard work on enhancing my life each day. Well done me!

be free

The stage at Toastmasters has my name on it. I feel at home whenever I step onto that stage. I speak with passion and bring out my emotions. There is no more shame of what others shall say or think of me when I am delivering a speech at Toastmasters. I know I am good enough. I know I am whole and that is what matters. I am no longer living my life as a prisoner. I have finally “Set Myself Free!”

What do you do to de-stress? What do you do to deal with and handle stress at home and at work?

I am currently unemployed!  Thank goodness because I would have had a nervous breakdown if I was working and dealing with this week’s demands at home.

We had our boiler and radiators replaced on Wednesday which was a major project!  I needed to move large and small pieces of furniture around our tiny three bedroom flat to make room for the workmen to do what they needed to do. This meant that I needed to declutter our tiny flat, filled with so much crap and rubbish that we no longer used or need. I felt so much lighter from the declutter and Spring clean. Yet when it came to moving all the furniture around, that was a different story all together!

The dust that had accumulated underneath furniture that had stayed in their place for over eight years was unbelievable! Thank goodness for our dust sucker of a vacuum cleaner we got. Dyson never fails to deliver when it comes to sucking up dust! Haha

We were told it was best to leave home for the day from 8am until 5pm on the day of the major works. Thank goodness for my parents who live nearby and for their Wifi. Calvin was entertained and content!  I got spoiled by my parents because I got to have fun with mum. Dad spoiled me when he made me lunch and he made Calvin’s too!  The best days are lived with our parents! Hehe

Seeing our home at 5pm on Wednesday was upsetting!  There was dirt, dust and mess in our living room, bedrooms, hall and bathroom. Home was like a bombsite. The reward was……we had a new combi boiler and new radiators. This means our gas bill shall be lower. I could save more for another holiday! Haha

I could not cook from scratch for our dinner as our kitchen was dirty, dusty and in a huge mess, so it was a take away full of fat and salt. Yuck!

I missed my daily yoga session and felt so stressed!

yoga pose

It took me over two hours of cleaning and changing my bed linen to feel comfortable and clean to some extent!  It felt like a workout and reminded me of the days I was working as a housekeeper with Travelodge.

Our carpets look like they are doing some sort of yoga pose as they have been neglected due to the major works. The carpet fitter yesterday whilst I was out for my job interview so I missed him and need to wait until Monday before our carpet is put back to their original beauty!  Meanwhile, I am keeping my eyes off all our carpets at the bottom of the radiators! Hehe

Now that I have started my mission to Spring clean and declutter, I have a new addiction!  I want to declutter every room and have as little as possible. My two elder sons have so much rubbish and crap hoarding in their bedrooms that the sight of them all would be more than enough to weigh down a truck! I threw out old and out of date sauces from our fridge as I was cleaning it this afternoon. The Cheesestrings that Calvin no longer wants went into our food waste bin. I cleared our stationery drawer and gave away loads of pencils, rubbers, rulers and colouring pens to our neighbour who has five kids. I am sure they shall have more use of them all than we would.

Decluttering is vital to create space for better things to come through. I have a less cluttered bedroom now since I threw out a small wardrobe that I found to be taking up space and no longer served me well. I am planning on clearing out boxes of unwanted rubbish sitting on the floor, taking up vital space. I created space for my long awaited library by rearranging things around. It was a wonderful moment when I realised that I could have my library by just rearranging things around, instead of having to wait until this and that. I am so happy for my self made library where I am able to see the titles of my books now that they are standing up, instead of lying flat in a huge box! Woo hoo!

depositphotos_5242273-stock-photo-girl-taking-a-bathI have been taking baths, which I rarely do, to de-stress, with lavender oil and what a great de-stresser! The shower was fast for a quick wash, yet the bath soaking was vital to de-stress!  Heaven!

Congratulations to me on getting through a rather demanding and tough week!  Well done me! Hehe

Spring looks like it has finally sprung upon us here in Glasgow, Scotland as our temperatures has risen to a much more warmer and comfortable one or three for us Glaswegians to enjoy the great outdoors!  This usually means that we Spring clean and declutter, which is what I have been doing today. The more I declutter, the more I want to declutter. I spent a valuable thirty minutes or so in my bedroom, clearing away anything that I no longer use or need. Initially, I had my audio book playing on my phone to make the most of multi-tasking, only to be distracted by the noise, as I needed to read documents to decide what to keep and what to throw away. The multi-tasking was not working for me here!

595.-CLUTTER-10

Anyway, I was happier than Larry for making good progress, only to feel mentally exhausted from reading through a mountain of documents and finally sorted what to throw out and what to keep. Phewwww!  Then I was real smart and separated them into each subject and put them into polly pockets so that I would be able to find them with more ease in the future. I was feeling so proud of myself for being so organised!  Yes!  I am winning!  Zero to clutter. One to Kit!

As the day wore on, I wanted to do more decluttering, yet as always, other things held me back and I was running out of time for doing what I had planned to do mentally. Note to self, do the planning on paper, as my mentor Jim Rohn as taught me!  At least, I had made a great start, which is always, as with anything important, is the most demanding and difficult thing to do. I was thinking to myself, well I have made a great start, to create space for better things to come through now. All I need to do is to continue with this mission of decluttering until I am absolutely satisfied and feeling lighter. After dinner, doing the dirty dishes and cleaning our cooker, I tackled Calvin’s bundle of outgrown clothes to put into a bin liner. With Calvin’s help, I almost emptied his drawers of his outgrown clothes!  He then told me that he needed a new wardrobe of clothes, which happens every time at this time of the year. No surprises here!

I would have less to declutter if I was living on my own. Having children (three) definitely is a fantastic way to accumulate clutter!  Haha

595.-CLUTTER-6

Now to rearrange my bedroom to find a better system that works for me because this current one is no longer effective, efficient and easy to use. Time for a change!  Let’s go!