Archives for the month of: May, 2017

Dear big brother

I started my new job this week!  How exciting!  It reminds me of starting my new chapter in my life when I chose to become a single mother, working my first nine til five job back in 2007, when you were there for me and my three sons, everyday to support us. This new job is at The Quay, a brand new American burger restaurant, opening their first branch in Scotland. What a privilege for me! Hehe

I was crying on the bus heading home from Toastmasters this Tuesday evening. I was thinking of how much progress I have made since I joined Toastmasters last year with the support and help from my sweetheart. I so wanted to share all of my successes with you yet knowing you are no longer here physically broke my heart and I cried. My heart felt so heavy, I just wanted to snuggle up in bed and cry. I felt so alone and lonely. I wanted sweetheart to hug me, rub my back and comfort me. I no longer want to cry over your sudden passing because I get such a heavy and painful headache that stays for hours. I no longer want to carry the intense emotional pain of your passing that broke my heart into tiny fragments. I want to move forward and shine. I want to achieve my goals and soar!

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I do miss you everyday and think about you. I no longer want to feel guilty for getting on with my life. I want to let you know that you shall always have a special place in my heart.

I feel very sad when I get together with our parents and Tony because you are absent physically. I never hear them talk about you.  I still feel very sad about your passing and want to express this to them yet I was set up to never express my emotions therefore, I find this very difficult.

I attended my second Codependents Anonymous meeting last night. We were guided to share anything regarding avoidance patterns. I hesitated and pondered about how to share what was on my mind. I finally stepped forward and shared what has been brushed under the carpet since July last year, when I got my first job since your passing. I was in shock when I was crying on the bus heading home on Tuesday night. A part of me was relieved from the tears yet I knew I would get a headache which was what I was avoiding for far too long. Sharing my avoidance patterns helped me to realise that I was set up to avoid certain behaviours and feelings. I want to start this new job with as much positive energy as possible and I promised myself that I shall take care of my emotional health as much as possible.

I am due to marry Sweetheart in July, in Hong Kong and I am so excited yet feel sad and upset that you are not here physically to share my joy with me. Mum, Tony and Ailun are flying over for my wedding. We have planned for a pre-wedding photo shoot before our wedding because I never had one. We are having a small casual dinner with family on the night of our wedding. Calvin shall be staying with either mum or Sweetheart’s family on our wedding night to allow us the “us time” on our wedding night.  This is the third time that both Calvin and I are flying back to Hong Kong. We are flying with Emirates again because that is what Calvin wants. We heard that BA are the worst for customer service so we stayed away from them. Thank goodness we got a great deal online for our flights last month!

I have many uncertainties in my mind due to the two new chapters taking place in my life. I am grateful to have found a job before my wedding which means that I have a job to come back home to after our wedding. It takes away the stress of looking for a job and getting back onto my JSA. I am also grateful to Sweetheart for our wedding. His siblings have been a great help with organising our wedding.

Colin came home form Munich three weeks ago. Calvin is over the moon about this because he gets to play online games with Colin and he has company when I am tending to my tasks and meetings.

Calvin went on his first school trip to Lockerbie Manor last week. He was very resilient and strong. He brought out his suitcase and packed it on the Sunday morning before he left. I taught him how to pack his own suitcase for when he comes home so that he is equipped with that knowledge. Calvin is growing so much physically and emotionally. He is now into adult sizes for everything from shoes to tops and trousers.

I neglected to put a placing request for Calvin’s chosen high school before the cut off date which was last month. This has created some issues as to what high school Calvin shall attend in August. I am due to get an answer on the decision of the placing request next month. I would like him to attend Trinity High School, because both Cory and Colin attended it and it was a fantastic school.

I am due to work with my new colleagues for the first time tomorrow when we all go into the brand new restaurant to fill it up. We have training to complete online in our own time. I logged onto it for the first time this afternoon and the first training session was so boring I almost fell asleep. I think it went on for far too long. I am now put off from progressing with this online training. Oh dear!

Anyway, this is all for now. I want to play with Bubby, our cute little hamster who as hyper as me! Hehe

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“Why would you get married for the second time when it didn’t work out the first time?”  Stephen said. Stephen was a linen porter that I worked with at the Travelodge Hotel job I had for six months. He separated with his wife because their relationship was not working. In Stephen’s mind, a marriage is very unlikely to work the second time because the first one ended in much pain and bitterness. From talking to Stephen and getting to know him, he is clearly still holding onto unresolved issues from this first marriage. This is a recipe for another painful and bitter end to a new relationship if and when he gets into one because he has “excess baggage” as the saying goes.

How do we resolve our unresolved issues from a previous relationship and move forward for inner peace and happiness? First we need to accept that our previous relationship was setting us up for what it turned to be. We learned to love our partner from our set up, our parents and main caregivers. If we were born into a dysfunctional family, like myself, we are more than likely to have a dysfunctional  and unhealthy relationship with our partner. We are going to get into codependency and that is where the sign of pain and heartbreak lies.

I was in a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex husband who was also born into a dysfunctional family. I was the needy one in our unhealthy relationship and he was the needless one. My personal needs, wants and values were never ever met because I had no idea what they were, until I began my journey with personal development. My personal foundation was damaged, destroyed and this left me with nothing to build our relationship on. My ex husband also didn’t know what his personal needs, wants, desires and values were. We both had many unresolved issues from our past buried deep in our personal foundation which meant that we were set up for a bitter, painful and unhealthy relationship with ourselves and with each other.

Our relationship lasted for sixteen years which was to me, a very unfulfilling and painful time. I was at my prime and had very little knowledge as to how I could create a better life for myself and for us. I was controlled all my life by my mother who was abandoned by her birth parents. I was denied the freedom to make decisions and choices for myself. I was trapped whilst living at home with my parents so I escaped. That escape only created another unhappy, unfulfilling and unhealthy environment for me.

I have many unresolved issues from those unfulfilling and painful sixteen years spent with a toxic and narcissistic man that has been haunting me. There have been dreams of me taking back control in our relationship in the past week or so. In each of the dreams, I am being very assertive with my then husband and that was what I always wanted to be, subconsciously. Yet, I married my mother!  I allowed my then husband to control me, manipulate me and abuse me because I was treated that way by my parents.

The abuse from then husband only stopped when I dumped him and started a new life for myself. That was the biggest challenge in my entire life. It was the best decision I ever made!

The first step is always the most difficult and challenging yet once we have made that first step, everything becomes much easier.

I had very little to lose from what I had lost prior to being a single mum. The loses were a blessing in disguise. They set me up for getting out of my comfort zone and doing what is appropriate for myself,  with no regards of what others say or think of me.

In reflecting, those loses were necessary for me to feel blessed with what I had. “We never know what we have until we lose it” is so true. I was spending so much of my time focusing on what I didn’t have in life and neglecting to see what treasures I did have, right in front of my eyes.

Nowadays, I am ever grateful for the bare necessities, food, water, shelter, good health care and I no longer take them for granted.

I remember being a positive person who knew how to have fun with life yet when I was given huge responsibilities as a big sister, everything changed for me. I was no longer a child at the age of ten. I lost myself to being a mother to my younger brother who was not my responsibility. Life was full of responsibilities then and I was living for taking care of younger brother and my parents. My life was robbed and I felt trapped.

Today, I set myself free of my caretaker role and I am finally living for myself and no one else. I do whatever I want, within reason, whenever I want, with whoever I want. I am taking care of my personal needs, wants and desires. I am “selfing” as Shirley Smith said in her book “Set Yourself Free”. I have no qualms about doing what is necessary to take care of my needs, wants and desires, even when others don’t see why I need to do a particular thing.

There are many uncertainties with taking care of my needs, wants and desires as I am constantly growing, evolving and expanding. I am well equipped with tools I gained from my almost six years of personal development to help me embrace uncertainties.

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My new chapter in life is upon me. It is both very exciting and scary. It is also giving me many opportunities to experience things I have yet to experience. I am finally experiencing the excitement of planning and organising things for myself, both in my personal life and in my career. I am now experiencing having the things I was once denied of having. Planning and organising for my wedding with my sweetheart has been exciting and I get feelings of happiness come through along with some negative emotions which are all good.

To me, getting the things I was once denied of having brings up many unresolved and unexpressed emotions through my body. This is a very scary experience and thank goodness I have huge self awareness and emotional intelligence to handle the raw emotions as they come through. My body has been going through some aches and pains due to this happening in the past month or so.

Thank goodness for my daily yoga and mediation that I engage in. I am able to scan my body for whatever seems to be bothering me and acknowledge it. Then give it my full attention and finally I am able to move forward.

The pain at the back of my neck in the past week or so is finally subsiding from my meditation and yoga. It was such “a pain in the neck” to be feeling the pain in my neck again, as it came from my whiplash in May 2014 after being the back passenger of Cory’s car. We were hit only very slightly by a car behind us when we were stopped at a set of traffic lights. Yet that slight hit was more than enough to do damage to my neck, shoulders and head.

In two months time I shall be flying to Hong Kong for my wedding. My second wedding shall be twenty times more exciting than my first because I get to make the choices and decisions for me, for us and for our future. That is what we both want to do for each of us, finally!

There are many uncertainties with a marriage. We get cold feet and that is quite alright. I am experiencing the cold feet since we booked our wedding date. I am also getting many negative thoughts coming through. All the “what if’s and but’s” are visiting my mind. My old self is wanting to take control due to so many negative thoughts each day, roaming my mind. Go away old self!  You have no place in my life now. I am very happy now. Now let’s send you off to the past where you belong!

Why did I never ever have these negative thoughts come through when I was about to get married for the first time? What is happening now that never happened back then?

I think it is due to our state of mind. It changes as we go through different stages in our lives. We are constantly evolving and expanding. This means we are learning everyday. I am learning to embrace uncertainties with a new chapter in my life. Bring on the fear and uncertainties!