Archives for category: Roller coaster ride

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It’s has almost been six months since I found my local CODA group here in Glasgow.  What a journey I have had!  The ups and downs. The lows and highs. The volcano of emotions erupting whenever I have had the courage to share at our weekly meetings. The memories flooding my body as I recall all of the physical, emotional and intellectual abuse I experienced as a child and teenager has been intense. The mud in the bucket of water being stirred  and getting messy as I share about my painful past. The thoughts of “Goodness knows what I can gain from these shares!”  One thing I am certain that I have gain from sharing…….which has been my experiencing growing pains in gargantuan intensity in the past two months.

Thank goodness for my six years of personal development. My consistent daily investment in working hard on myself has proved to be priceless and more valuable than my formal education. Formal education never taught me emotional intelligence nor did my parents. I am so grateful for my developing emotional intelligence as it has been my best friend recently. I can still have my fun and laughter even though some days seem so stormy, thunderous, freezing and extremely unsettling. My sleep has been disturbed most nights since I began attending my CODA meetings which is to be expected.

I have had more anxiety to deal with in the past few months than I ever could recall, possibly due to the fact that I am much more connected with my emotions from my personal development. Thank goodness for my daily practice in yoga, meditation and my exercises to help me ride with the waves of emotions coming through everyday. Some days I feel like I am riding a colossal roller coaster where I am taken to the top in slow motion, then I come crashing down to the bottom in a matter of a split second. I am feeling very anxious as I am typing this. Breath in, breath out. Taking deep breathes and pauses whenever I feel the tide of anxiety come through. Yes, I acknowledge you, anxiety. What is it that you want from me? Oh you are scared of so many uncertainties in life? Ok, that’s quite alright. Let me keep you safe and reassure you that I am here for you and to protect you. Ahhhhh………that feels so much better now!  Thank you.

The frustration of having my sleep disturbed every morning around 3am to 5am as I wake up to pee has died slowly like a snail crawling. I have learned to accept that this is how life is for me due to my personal growth. This too, shall pass. Everything takes time. Time has been something that I am very aware of. I have been talented at spending my time with much wisdom. I feel like I am in debt with time due to my dysfunctional family set up of taking on the caretaker role in my family. I was robbed of living my life for myself, whilst I was care taking everyone else. I lost my true authentic self. I lost the freedom to live for myself. I lost so much and now it is time to get it all back for me. I have no time to waste on unimportant things and people. It is time to shine and be the best version of myself that I could ever possibly be.

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Yes, life is difficult. There is no doubt about it. We are all carrying the pains from our past with us each and everyday. We can learn to become stronger from our pains or we can become weaker. What we choose is what we become. We are all capable of creating a far greater, better and brighter future for ourselves regardless of what intense pains we are carrying around each day. What doesn’t break us, makes us stronger. It is all about how we respond to our pains. It is all about our mindset. It is all about our attitude towards life and grabbing what life has to offer with both hands and feet! Haha   Life is such a valuable creation. We must cherish what we have in our lives, no matter how it drags us down and drain us.

I ask for my sound and deep sleep each night, to feel energised, revitalised and super charged to see me through my daily challenges without the challenge of disturbed sleep each night. Thank you. I ask for the courage to continue with my daily, consistent personal development to help me through life and whatever it throws my way. Thank you. I ask for the abundance of energy and happiness when I wake up each morning to start my day. Thank you.

Practising gratitude has taught me to be grateful for the smallest thing that we have in our lives. From the water that runs through our taps, to our beds and the roof over our heads. People can moan and groan about how they are struggling in their daily lives, without stopping to see the value of the priceless things they have that homeless people would die to have to feel safe and secure. Walking on the streets of Glasgow City Centre, heading into work, I feel blessed to have a roof over my head to feel safe and secure. To sleep knowing that I am protected and warm. My struggles are absolutely nothing compared to what homeless people are dealing with each day. As our winter is setting in and the cold, dark, longer nights are becoming the norm, coming home to central heating, running water, food and a bed would have any homeless person smile from ear to ear!

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imageHave you ever been a front passenger of a sports car strapped in ready for a ride that puts you totally out of your comfort zone? Have you ever felt you are really getting old as you are driven about by a much younger driver at speed?

Riding a roller coaster is exactly what it feels like for me every time I am the front passenger of my eldest son’s car.

As soon as he drives off my heart is already pounding, about to jump out of my body with fear and anxiety. His car is perfect in every way. It is what every young male driver wants, speed wise I think! The noise it makes when the accelerator is pushed to the floor says it all. I was told by one male friend that he loves that noise yet to me, it is nothing other than a disturbance to my sensitive ears.

Whilst I am grateful to have my personal chauffeur, I just feel so scared and anxious whenever I am my eldest son’s front passenger.

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As a driver myself, I usually have my ten year old son sitting in the back diagonally opposite me so he observes every move I make and he is the back seat driver since a very tender age. So I learned to be the driver every driver instructor would be proud of. I stop at amber lights and give way to other drivers whenever it is safe to do so. I adhere to the speed limit on built up areas and thus I rarely get my back seat driver’s commands of what I ought to be doing and what I must not do.

The accelerator is pushed to the floor as soon as we get onto the main road from our home and I am feeling the fear of an accident already. My hands are feeling sweaty and my heart is beating so fast, it’s just like we are climbing the steep incline of a roller coaster. The fear feels like I have no protection whatsoever and I am at the mercy of my young driver.

The distance between us and the vehicle directly in front of us looks merely like centimetres to me. My inner voice is telling me some really scary stuff as we are speeding along the main road. I long to get off this roller coaster ride which is no where near it’s destination.

I am looking at the speedometer now and it’s way too fast for my safety and comfort. We almost hit the vehicle in front of us as we break. My head is pushed against the headrest and I am thinking of controlling my thoughts. So I repeatedly say into myself “I am safe” and “I am protected” as we are accelerate rapidly along the forty mile road near my son Calvin’s school. I am more conscious of the consequences of an accident whilst being a passenger in this roller coaster ride as I am still recovering from ongoing whiplash symptoms.

My driver just seems to have no patience and his emotions controls his driving which is all the more frightening for me as his front seat passenger. I can relate to driving fast on the motorway, yet on built up areas and or residential areas, it is common sense to take our foot off the accelerator and drive with cautious.

So we are off again after picking up our young passenger and we hit the main road again. We are behind a bus now and my driver is more cautious and takes his time which was a huge surprise for me. Phewwwww!   Sweat dripping off me already yet it is freezing outside so no one could ever see me sweating!  I thought he would have overtaken the double decker bus, yet it was obviously unsafe to do so and he stayed behind the bus.

We arrive at the supermarket with my heart slowing it’s beating fast from being thrown into the roller coaster ride. What a relief to be safe at the supermarket and we can get our food shop bought and get home to rest.

The journey home was surprisingly pleasant and slower which helped me to feel calmer and safer.

I longed for the day when my driver would drive slower, safer and calmer for all of our sake. Maybe that would be the day he settles for buying a slower car and I would feel safer and calmer. Yet until then I shall just embrace my roller coaster rides with my heart being thrown into the fast lane which is definitely unsuitable for this 43 year old mother of three sons. Vrooom! Vroom! Vroom!