Archives for category: My long distance relationship

When was the last time you got some relationship advice from anyone?  How much do you listen to their advice and process it?  How open are you to relationship advice?

I was having lunch with a dear friend yesterday and he offered me some sound and wise tips on how to be an independent woman after marriage as I am due to become my sweetheart’s wife. He told me that women of this era must be able to financially take care of themselves instead of depending on their partner for the financial security. I totally agree with him because we are not gauranteed a tomorrow. What shall we do if our partner suddenly dies or goes bankrupt? How do we support ourselves and survive the hardship without any financial security to fall back on?  Money makes the world go round as the saying goes. Without money, we are stuck and this creates so many problems. If we have dependent children, then it is much more important to build some sort of financial security for them and us.

I became a single mother to my three sons, when they were aged 2, 11 and 13. I struggled immensely due to me having no financial security whatsoever. I received no child maintenance from my sons father which created more stress for me. I wish I had learned back then that it was vital to have some money put aside for such rainy days.

This dear friend of mine also advised me to continue to make progress as I am doing now. It is vital to have a life of progress consistently for personal growth. Women are capable of achieving so many things, outside of their relationship he said. Men respect such women a whole lot more. Women who have a life outside of their romantic relationship are much more attractive compared to those who are too lazy to achieve anything and become a lady of leisure because their partner has a business. Their partner’s business has nothing to do with the woman’s personal growth and achievements. Yet these women seem to have these two differences confused with who and what they are!

strong women

I see many Chinese women from my culture who have partners that run their own business and these women become the typical “lady of leisure” where they go shoppping and have high tea with their friends. These women have no desire to learn new skills, volunteer to help those in need, establish their own career or attend classes to learn something, anything. They solely depend on their partner’s income to support them which is very dangerous because they have become far too comfortable to get out there to establish a life and a career for themselves. They are merely living for shopping and having high tea with their friends, whilst their partners are working.

I was once so envious of these women until I learned that these women would never ever be able to stand on their own two feet if their partner failed in their business or died suddenly. Nowadays, I am constantly learning something, anything to enhance my life and make consistent progress for happiness. I no longer focus all of my spare time, energy and attention on my long distance relationship. I have a life outside of our LDR where I do what I want and when I want. I was once a love addict and that was very draining and toxic. It was so unhealthy where I lost myself to a romantic relationship.

Life has many wonders to offer us and it is imperative that we search those wonders through some soul searching. Finding our passions helps us to focus on fulfilling our dreams and creating a better and happier life for ourselves. No one is responsible for our happiness, other than ourselves. There are so many things that we could do to create happiness for us, other than investing time, energy and attention into our romantic relationship.

Healthy romantic relationships are what we want to build. We want to have our own individuality and still be available for our romantic relationship. It is so important that we never ever lose ourselves when we are in a romantic relationship. When we do, we lose the focus on what we want from our lives and this is where so many women become heartbroken when their romantic relationship ends. This is a recipe for diseases and sickness. That is the last thing us women want.

My dear friend offered the advice of “keep dating your partner” after marriage. Keep the spark alive by going out to do things together. “Make time for each other after marriage and no excuses here” he said. Never ever neglect to take care of your marriage or else it shall create a distance between you both. “Pull the weeds” as Jim Rohn wrote in his book “Twelve Pillars”. I know this already Tony! Hehe   Why do you think our LDR has lasted three years and still going strong?

Tony told me that it is never a wise thing to do to tell my partner, future husband that it’s too expensive to go here or to do this together. The money is well worth spending to  create memories and fun for each other which is the secret to maintaining the spark. Our spark is what keeps the relationship going from strength to strength. Tony said “It is best to be able to earn more money than to save money by scrimping on things that need money to maintain your relationship”.  I do agree with him on this one to a certain extent. It is a woman’s hardwiring to save money due to scarcity in our olden days where money was always tight.

intimacy three

I think we are able to create time for our relationship after marriage as we are solution orientated. We value each other and our relationship to commit time, focus and energy into it for long lasting love and intimacy. On the subject of intimacy, I think we deserve a gold medal for keeping the emotional and mental connection alive for intimacy. Although the physical intimacy is absent, we have all the tools and knowledge to create intimacy by other means. We are authentic with each other therefore, we have intimacy. Shirley Smith’s “Without authenticity, there can be no intimacy” in her book “Behind Closed Doors” serves us well as we have both read the book. We are in a healthy relationship with ourselves and each other which is what makes our LDR work.

Bring on our wedding and more memories of fun, laughter, love and intimacy from our authenticity!

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connection for intimacy

What keeps your romantic relationship strong? What efforts do you invest into your romantic relationship? What could you do to improve on your romantic relationship?

I have been in a long distance relationship since February 2014 and building intimacy through a screen as we chat each day has been one of the most challenging things we do yet it is absolutely necessary.

Why is it necessary to build intimacy? Without intimacy, our relationship would have died well before now, where we are connected and that gives us a solid foundation for our LDR aka long distance relationship.

Some people think that long distance relationships never work yet it is due to the lack of personal development in them, for them to have such a conclusion.

The majority of us do not know what it takes to make a relationship work as we were never taught from our parents. If our parents had no intimacy in their relationship,  it is highly unlikely that we shall have intimacy in our romantic relationships, unless we work hard on ourselves to build intimacy with our self first. Then we are equipped with the necessary skills to create intimacy in our romantic relationship.

It has been said that the way a couple interact with each other shall determine whether their relationship shall last or not. I am very aware of this fact as I observe how my parents have interacted with each other since I was a child.

They rarely listen to each other with the intent to understand. There is no intimacy, only intensity. There is no mutual respect or acceptance of each other. There is no words of support, recognition, encouragement, understanding and love in their relationship.

Listen to how a couple talks to each other and we can pick up on so much about their relationship.

Intimacy is not merely physical as we have been misled to believe from our society, our culture, our set up, our peers, our past relationships and without the curiosity to learn how to build intimacy, we shall never get it.

I never had true intimacy in any of my romantic relationships until I began to work hard on myself when I embarked on my journey with self development in June 2011.

What a transformation this phenomenal journey of personal development has been for me!

I shifted from a critical, judgemental, toxic and nagging female to a funny, intelligent, attractive and crazy lass full of fun! My sweetheart fell hard for my ability to have fun wherever I go, whoever I am with and that is what keeps our LDR going strong.

We may not have the physical intimacy most couples have, who are physically closer, yet due to our long distance, we cherish the minutes we do get to share with each other through a screen. We talk to each other with the intent to understand where each of us is coming from. We agree to disagree. We compromise. We do whatever we possibly can, with whatever we have, to make the other feel loved, valued and important.

We have had our fair share of conflicts due to the lack of physical intimacy yet we are more than capable of resolving our challenges. It is through these challenges where we learn more about each other and our love for each other grows.

We connect through active listening and talking with the intent to understand each other. We give each other the space to express our thoughts and emotions. We use all the tools available to us to help us to connect and feel the love deepen and grow.

We pull the weeds in our garden of love as much as we possibly can to nurture our relationship. We have movie nights where we feel we are in the same room watching our movie together and we are laughing so much, we pee our pants! Haha

We get mushy, sweet and thoroughly enjoy the moment of staring into each other’s eyes and say nothing. We connect through our hearts. We express our emotions and allow them all,  good and bad to come through.  We acknowledge each other’s emotions as they come through. We never deny each other of our right to our emotions as they are merely vistiors telling us we are disconnected with our heart. We feel comfortable with exposing our weaknesses, flaws and vulnerabilities with each other.

We always put fun into our relationship and the banter is so crazy, loud and out of control. We seem so crazy yet it is a vital ingredient to maintaining our relationship so that it grows from strength to strength!

How connected are you in your romantic relationship?