Archives for category: Decluttering

Decisions 3

Dear dad

After much serious consideration from the extremely unpleasant dinner I had with you and other family members on Wednesday evening, I have decided, for my overall health and well being, that I shall no longer be spending anymore of my valuable time with you or Tony. The dinner was not as enjoyable as it has been in the past. Add to the tension of our massive disagreement, I felt I had made a colossal mistake by attending the dinner. I have played in my head, thousands of times, of how I could have handled your shaming in a more constructive way. I think it would have been for my best interest to leave as soon as you started your abuse. That way, I would have put up a boundary with you where you know for certain that I do not tolerate any nonsense from you!

I see a very destructive pattern in your behaviour whenever we have dinner with extended family members. I get the same shaming from you as I did a number of years ago, when I found my voice through my personal development journey. I think you want to keep me under your control. I think you want me to stay quiet and keep my mouth shut. I have my rights to express my thoughts, feelings and opinions in this country.   I think you cannot handle the strong woman that I have become. I think you are scared of what I am becoming and therefore you want to control her. That shall never happen because I am more resilient and stronger now. I have my self esteem, confidence and inner strength to stand up to what I think is my rights. I shall express myself, just as Tony expresses himself at family gatherings. I deserve to be treated with respect and with equal rights as Tony. I do not tolerate double standards from you. Why is it acceptable for Tony to criticise my sons? Yet when I express myself whilst having a conversation with Tony, you scold me?  No dad your scolding is stopping here and now!

I am cutting the cord to being abused, dismissed, ignored, criticised, judged, ridiculed, shamed, controlled and manipulated by you and your unreasonable behaviours. I am no longer tolerating any form of abuse from you and Tony. I am cutting all ties with unhealthy, toxic and shaming ways of relating to me. I am living my life the way I want to. Nobody tells me what I can and cannot say or do. I get to decide what I say and what I do. I have the freedom to be who and what I was born to be. I am no longer keeping quiet whenever I am abused. I do not need your approval to live my life the way I want to live. I do not need your approval to be who and what I was born to be. I am not in any shape or form, to be controlled because I am free as a bird.

Since I began attending regular Coda meetings in May this year, I have learned that I stayed in unhealthy, toxic and destructive environments for far too long creating self harm. I have harmed myself for far too long. It is now time to be “Self-ing” and take care of myself and my health.

Decisions 4

The decision to stop spending my valuable time with you and Tony was an exceedingly tough and difficult one. It was absolutely necessary for my health. I am deeply hurt that I have had to make such a decision as you and Tony are my family. Why is our family this destructive and unable to show compassion, kindness and unconditional love for each other?  Why does Tony get away with murder and I am shamed for merely being me?  I noticed some years ago that my crazy mum who knows how to have fun is never ever herself in the presence of you dad. Then I realised why that is. It is because you are far too serious and boring. It is because you do not know how to have fun. It is because you are not childlike. It is because you are not connected with your inner child. I think you are scared of mum shaming you by being childlike. I think you are far too scared of what others will say about mum being childlike. I have heard you say things like “Don’t say or do that because people will laugh at you!”  Who gives a fuck as to what others think about what we say or do?  I certainly don’t because I am so busy having fun. I do not need others’ approval of me having fun and living my life to the max!

My heart has been stabbed once again this week!  I am recovering from the intense pain of what happened at dinner on Wednesday night. I want healthy relationships and that shall never happen with you and me because of your unresolved issues from your codependence. I have been left with only one option which has destroyed my delusion of what I would get from my family.   I realised that I must take great care of my emotional health or else I shall suffer from illnesses that shall cripple me and that is the last thing I want to deal with.

I once craved to have your unconditional love just like big brother had told me when he was alive. I once craved to have your compassion and empathy. I once craved to have a loving and caring dad. I have let go of this craving because it was my inner child’s, NOT mine!  A gargantuan part of me seems to have died this week!  How depressing and deeply painful that is!   Is it a coincidence that this happened on the week of my big brother’s fourth anniversary of his passing?  I think it happened during this time for a very good reason.

I want to express to you that you have lost your one and only daughter to your toxic and shaming ways. I have been thinking about cutting all contact with you because I am no longer prepared to be abused by you. I think you no longer deserve my valuable time. I think our relationship ends here. I even thought about not attending your funeral, when it comes, just like you were absent from big brother’s!

What is our family for if we are not capable of loving each other just the way we are? What is our family for if we are not capable to sit down, have dinner without being blunt with each other and shaming each other? What is our family for if we are not taking the time to understand each other and connect on a deeper level?  What is our family for if we are only going to kill each other with our nasty, cruel, shaming and toxic words each time we see each other at family gathering?

matters of the heart 2

I am once again deeply hurt and in intense pain from making such a difficult and tough decision about my family. I come first now because I am cutting the cord to your abuse!  Good bye dad!

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Spring looks like it has finally sprung upon us here in Glasgow, Scotland as our temperatures has risen to a much more warmer and comfortable one or three for us Glaswegians to enjoy the great outdoors!  This usually means that we Spring clean and declutter, which is what I have been doing today. The more I declutter, the more I want to declutter. I spent a valuable thirty minutes or so in my bedroom, clearing away anything that I no longer use or need. Initially, I had my audio book playing on my phone to make the most of multi-tasking, only to be distracted by the noise, as I needed to read documents to decide what to keep and what to throw away. The multi-tasking was not working for me here!

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Anyway, I was happier than Larry for making good progress, only to feel mentally exhausted from reading through a mountain of documents and finally sorted what to throw out and what to keep. Phewwww!  Then I was real smart and separated them into each subject and put them into polly pockets so that I would be able to find them with more ease in the future. I was feeling so proud of myself for being so organised!  Yes!  I am winning!  Zero to clutter. One to Kit!

As the day wore on, I wanted to do more decluttering, yet as always, other things held me back and I was running out of time for doing what I had planned to do mentally. Note to self, do the planning on paper, as my mentor Jim Rohn as taught me!  At least, I had made a great start, which is always, as with anything important, is the most demanding and difficult thing to do. I was thinking to myself, well I have made a great start, to create space for better things to come through now. All I need to do is to continue with this mission of decluttering until I am absolutely satisfied and feeling lighter. After dinner, doing the dirty dishes and cleaning our cooker, I tackled Calvin’s bundle of outgrown clothes to put into a bin liner. With Calvin’s help, I almost emptied his drawers of his outgrown clothes!  He then told me that he needed a new wardrobe of clothes, which happens every time at this time of the year. No surprises here!

I would have less to declutter if I was living on my own. Having children (three) definitely is a fantastic way to accumulate clutter!  Haha

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Now to rearrange my bedroom to find a better system that works for me because this current one is no longer effective, efficient and easy to use. Time for a change!  Let’s go!