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Source: How powerful is your positive mental attitude?

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PMA 1

 

How many of you take the time to ask yourself why am I faced with so many daily challenges, problems, set backs, dilemmas and hurdles and it never ever seems to end?

I was once drained mentally and physically of all my daily challenges, problems, set backs, dilemmas and hurdles that never ever seemed to end. That was prior to my stupendous journey with my self development over six years ago.

I turned my life around from having a victim mentality to having an open mind to how I could possibly improve my boring, stuck in a deep rut life where I was merely existing for the benefits of my three sons as I was a single mother with no goals to work towards.

I had been deeply influenced by the negative, toxic and dysfunctional people around me until I gradually let them go one by one in order to grow, expand and make consistent progress. We are the product of the first five people we surround ourselves with each day. We are the influence of the first five people we spend the most time with.

The average people that I was surrounded with were going nowhere noticeably successful. They were stuck in a deep rut, living a mediocre life just muddling through each day without any sense of direction as to where they were heading because they had no well defined goals to work towards. Their quality of life was as low as the average Tom, Dick and Harry. That was me!………Until I began my journey to become to best version of myself each day.

I was first asked “What do you really want from life Kit?” when I attended a personal development course back in June 2012 in Edinburgh. That weekend changed my life forever because of a few reasons:

  1. I got to focus on me, on my life and on what I really wanted to accomplish in my life before I die.
  2. I got to create a vision board for what I really wanted to achieve for me and NOT for others.
  3. I finally began to live my life for me and NOT others.
  4. I got the opportunity to meet some light minded people who were supportive and encouraging, which was what I longed for yet until then, I had never been given.
  5. I was beginning to enjoy life and focus on the good, the positive, the fun, the dreams and all that I could possibly achieve.

My crazy mother has always been my biggest inspiration since I was a child because she always seems to have this “I shall do it even if it kills me” attitude within her. As a child, my crazy mother was like Wonder Woman, Superwoman or any Super Hero that you have come across. That is how I saw my crazy mother as a child growing up. She could always fix things, solve problems, see the good in every bad situation, trust that she shall achieve what she sets for herself even if it kills her. I never knew what it was my crazy mother had within her as a child, I just knew she was a woman with some special talent. Today, that special talent within my crazy mother is known as “Positive mental attitude” to me.

PMA 2

When I was at the tender age of eight, I flew for the first time with my crazy mother and big brother. From Hong Kong to Glasgow, Scotland. My crazy mother does not speak fluent English, (she speaks Chinglish) yet she was courageous and brave enough to get us to Scotland with just one sentence, “I am going to Glasgow!”  This one sentence has earned my crazy mother the title of “The most talented, courageous and brave woman” award. I spoke about this inspirational story at my wedding dinner in Hong Kong, in July this year, because I believed that my talented, special and crazy mother deserved the recognition for her bravery. She didn’t think it was anything that was worth mentioning because she just knew she had to do it to get us all to Scotland.

I am so grateful to have had my crazy mother’s special talents passed onto me. My special mother’s “I shall get this shit done” attitude has helped me to get to where I am at today. I may have made more mistakes than others during my progress to become the best version of myself, yet mistakes are proof that I am trying. I am where I am at because I have a vision, a dream and goals. These three elements have been a tremendous tool for my personal growth. I am getting tasks completed no matter how difficult or challenging they may seem.

I am able to see beyond my challenges, problems, set backs, dilemmas and hurdles because I am now much more focused on the end result and no longer give my attention and energy to the difficulties that once clouded my progress. The once “Oh I can’t do this, it’s too difficult” has become “Let me see how I am able to get through this” attitude.

If we are surrounded with people who are constantly focused on their daily challenges, instead of searching and asking for ways to get through them and learn, we are more than likely to be deeply influenced by their habits. Poor self realisation and self discipline kills our positivity and optimism. We must reflect on our daily actions in order to get more out of our lives. We are solely responsible for what we give out to the universe. Give out positive thoughts and get positive thoughts back, multiplied. My crazy mother knows this and she had a very poor education.

I am very selective about who I spend my time with. I enjoy a chit chat with anyone and everyone. Yet my time is very valuable and I must be aware of who I give my time to. I prefer to plan my day before it begins. I prefer to have a structure to my day. I get my tasks completed when I have planned it out. I maintain my high level of positive mental attitude by staying away from anything and anyone who sucks the happiness out of me. The “victims” are the worst happiness suckers that I avoid at all costs.

Some people cannot and do not know how to handle happiness. These are the people who do not know how to get the best from their lives. They live for drama and sadness. As an ENFJ, I need happiness in order to thrive and be my best. I need happiness in order to be optimally energetic. I have learned what works for my goals and what doesn’t. Achieving my goals has become a colossal part of my life because I know where I am heading in three, five and ten years time.

PMA 5

I am attracted to people who are optimistic and they are more successful than those who are pessimistic. I want success. I want to achieve my goals. I shall no longer allow myself to be surrounded by those who are living in the “victim” mentality. I love to have fun with myself and others. Fun is a vital ingredient to having a higher quality of life. If I meet someone who is a “Sour face”, I run a mile away from them! Why be around a “Sour face” when I can have all the fun in the world?

There are so many advantages to having a positive mental attitude. I shall mention a few that I have up my sleeves……..

  1. Life becomes easier for us and others around us when we are able to see beyond the bad and the ugly.
  2. We maintain a higher level of positive energy.
  3. We live a higher quality of life.
  4. We are less likely to become sick with minor ailments such as colds, coughs, headaches, aches and pains in our body, insomnia etc etc etc
  5. We can laugh at a difficult situation and still find a solution to our daily struggles.
  6. We attract success to us as we are giving out more positive thoughts.
  7. we are more connected with our emotions and less likely to have a nervous breakdown.
  8. We are less likely to have anxiety and other mental illnesses that drains us.
  9. We see the sunshine even during the thunderstorms.
  10. We focus on what we have instead of what we don’t have.
  11. We are more grateful for all of the challenges that has come our way because we learn from each of them and become stronger.
  12. We develop grit with is one of the many vital ingredients to achieving our goals.
  13. We are more likely to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get back on track to achieving our goals after experiencing a grieving loss in our lives.
  14. We are much more genuine, authentic and true to ourselves.
  15. We are more connected with our inner child as we know that it is imperative that we have fun each day to help us get through the set backs.
  16. We ask ourselves “What could I learn from this” whenever life throws us a curve ball instead of being in the “victim” mentality.
  17. We are less likely to be swayed by others’ opinions of ourselves because we are mentally strong.
  18. We build a stronger personal foundation for our personal growth.
  19. We become an attractive person by becoming successful.
  20. Last of all, we know the importance of living our lives for others and NOT anyone else.

 

PMA 3

 

When was the last time you had an idea and stepped forward to creating a plan and made it work?  When was the last time you allowed your creativity to run wild and go for what your mind had conceived? When was the last time you achieve a goal because you believed in yourself?  People with a high level of positive mental attitude gets things done. They are doers. They never allow their fears to paralyse them into idleness. They embrace their fears. They are connected with their fears. They feel the fear and do it anyway. That is the power of a positive mental attitude at it’s highest level. How strong is your PMA – positive mental attitude?  YOU are more than capable of increasing the strength of your PMA.

If and when someone tells you that what you want to achieve cannot be done, just say to them “Watch me!”

I have achieved many of my goals because of the power and strength of my PMA. Once a strong and powerful PMA has been developed, nothing and nobody is capable of taking it away from us. Our PMA shall always be living within us.

What is the quality of life that you want to live with? How far do you want to go with life? Why are you living life with limiting beliefs?

I encourage you all to start a plan to strengthen your PMA to it’s highest level and be a success that you shall be proud of one day. Start a plan to surround yourself with people who are light minded, knows how to have fun, have goals and a strong and powerful PMA. You deserve to achieve all that your mind conceives. Let’s go and step forward to achieving our goals and live that higher quality of life!

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I hear the phrase “One step forwards and two steps back” now and again. I only experienced this pain since I began my journey with personal development over six years ago. Before this grand adventure, my life was lived in a cage, trapped, imprisoned and was extremely painful. I was living for care taking others’ needs and had neglected my own. I never experienced a life of freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted until I was almost 40 years young. My first step into freedom and living my life for myself was letting go of the fear of thinking I must have my then husband in my life for both financial and emotional security. I later learned that my dysfunctional family set up had set me to think this way. I learned that this way of thinking was not mine. It was passed onto me from my parents way of thinking and from their dysfunctional family set up.

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At times, I am amazed at my gargantuan progress into a new life of learning new skills, stepping out of my comfort zone from every angle of life and becoming more competent and stronger each day. At other times, my old self surfaces that was buried deep into the dark corner and she wants to take control of my life again. Oh no way!  I shall never allow you to gain control of my new freedom and adventurous life because I deserve the best and I have no intention whatsoever of going backwards.

I reflect on my progress once a week most times and I am at times, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how far I have come and how much success I have gained and achieved. This feeling of intense emotions of gaining so much success in six years seems a very short period of time to me. Yet, six years is logically, a good portion of one’s life spent consistently and constantly working hard on one’s personal growth. How many people do you know that has spent six years on a consistent and constant level at working hard on themselves to achieve their goals for personal growth?

How many of you have experienced any sort of emotional pain from your personal growth? What did the pain feel like? How long did the pain last? After I came home from Hong Kong at the end of July this year, I have had a highly intense sort of emotional pain that has lingered and loitered around my body. I think the intense pain came from my weekly progress from attending my CODA meetings where I am getting so much support to help me onto the road to recovery from my codependence. I only learned about codependence from reading self help books after I began my self development. No one had told me about it until then. I never heard of it until I began reading those valuable self help books. What a grand revelation for me!  I finally knew and understood why I was living my life for others for such a long period of time. I finally knew and understood how I was set up to have unhealthy and toxic relationships with both men and women.

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I had suffered and endured a life of being controlled and imprisoned. A life where what I needed, wanted and desired was of no importance whatsoever to my loved ones. I felt like I was invisible to them all. I wanted to scream and be let out of the cage. I seemed to have lost my loud and proud voice somewhere along the way of care taking others. The intense pain of living in prison with no freedom to live my life as the person I truly was had taken it’s toll on my authentic self. I lost such an enormous part of my authenticity when I finally set myself free from an unfulfilled marriage that lasted far too long. It took me many a struggle with many dark days and nights to find my authentic self.

Today, my authentic self is living for herself and life is brighter, bigger and so much better. However, personal growth has it’s price. What price?  The price of no longer allowing that inner voice, that inner critic to take control of my freedom and inner peace. The price of no longer allowing my irrational fears to hold me back from making further progress. Progress has been and still is overwhelmingly painful. That deep and intense emotional pain of finally letting go of my old self that I lived with for almost forty years is so scary. My old self is fighting to be here and be present in my new freedom. My old self is too uncomfortable with freedom. She has no idea how to handle freedom to live her life as she wants and desires. My old self is familiar with drama, chaos, abuse, neglect and abandonment. My old self is familiar with unhealthy and toxic relationships. I am no longer surrounding myself with drama, chaos, abuse, neglect and abandonment which means my old self is dying a violent, sharp and grievous death. How horrifying for my old self? She is fighting with every ounce of energy she has left to get back the control she once governed with strong power. She is only comfortable and familiar with unhealthy and toxic relationships where abuse, manipulation, control, shame, fear, abandonment and neglect is everyday life for her. She has no idea how to handle healthy and functional relationships.

There is a constant fight with my old self and new self in recent months. My old self is unwilling to let go without the last fight with her last breath. She is a bold and strong warrior. She is stubborn with so much grit we could cover the entire universe with it! Warriors die fighting. They never give up. giving up has never been an option for them.

 

I think my dysfunctional family set up shall always be inside of me. It shall always be deep and muddy. That mud is coming up as fast as I can blink. That mud has been creating the intense emotional pain for me because of my consistent and constant personal growth. My body has endured all sorts of physical pain this year and I have had to take time off work and from my personal life in order to recover. The chaos from my past and dysfunctional family set up has taken it’s toll on my body. My organs has weakened to frightening heights and I have been through a desperately slow yet certain recovery with promising results. It has certainly been an insightful journey to what causes my physical illnesses. I learned that from ignoring my strong and severe negative emotions, I have paid the ultimate price!

I think I am over the worst emotional pain from my personal growth. I think I am now finally on the road to a slow yet definite recovery. Recovery of weakened organs and physical sickness. My future certainly seems clearer, brighter and more purposeful to the extent of finally gaining my inner peace and tranquility. The inner peace and tranquility of feeling happy with where I am with my life even though there are certain small aspects of my life that I would love to change, yet those annoyances are beyond my control.  

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I feel more at ease today.  I am feeling blessed and grateful for my life of an abundance of happiness, health, wealth and love. Today, I started my day with positive thoughts. I began my day with exercise, yoga, meditation, affirmations and visualisations. This is my Miracle Morning routine that I learned from reading “The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. I set myself up for a more successful day and that was what I received. Thank you.

 

“We have visuals!”

“We have visuals!”

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When was the last time you were curious enough to ask why you do what you do and others do things so differently to you?

I had been curious enough to ask myself why some people excelled at passing their exams at school whilst I failed most of mine, especially at high school. I knew my talents were in doing things with my hands and feet. I knew that I learned from doing. I knew that I could only absorb information when I was given visuals. My music teacher who taught me how to play the violin said to me “Kit you have excellent intonation!”   My French teacher in high school said I was easily distracted in class!  No surprises there because I remember his teaching methods was so damn boring to me. I remember we would sit in his class,  listening to him mumble and ramble on and on without any of us speaking French.  How does one learn to speak French this way?

I switched off whenever I am listening to a teacher at school without any visuals or without the opportunity to learn from doing. I learned this from reading books on NLP – Neuro-Linguistic programming. What a revelation it was for me!  I realised that’s why I found it ever so difficult to write an answer to questions in my exam papers. My English was still developing as I had came to live in Scotland from Hong Kong with no knowledge of English whatsoever. I was set up to fail in my written exams at high school.

Whenever I am searching for an answer to any question, I need to access the visuals from my brain and bring them forward. This takes time and effort that can and does exhaust me mentally. I get stressed out whenever I am unable to find any visuals to answer questions throughout my day.

I have learned to have visuals as much as possible, in order to help me get the most out of my life and to minimise my stress levels. My fridge door has a written list of the foods I currently have it in. This helps me to search for food at a faster rate and with clarity. My stress levels are kept at a minimal whenever I need to cook a meal and that is three times a day. Three times a day, equals to twenty one times per week. That’s so much cooking which needs an enormous amount of effort, skills and talent.

Without an effective system, with whatever we do, we become lost and stressed out. I recently installed a more effective system in my bedroom in order to help me find where everything is kept. Clear boxes with lids for my stationery and other items. I de-cluttered all of the large unwanted, unused and gathering dust belongings to create room and clarity for me to find things. My bedroom finally looks much more tidier and has a “Spring in it’s step”.

There is a need for me to apply a similar system at work, in order to minimise my stress levels and become more efficient in what I do. I find it futile for me,  to remember everything mentally without visuals.

My phone is filled with visuals from photos to “To do list”, to “To buy list” and “books I have read list”. I have photos of products that I use or take so that when I need to restock, I can retrieve it from my phone and not from my brain. This helps me to free up much needed space in my brain for better things to come through. Thank goodness for smartphones!  I would be so lost and stressed out without mine!

How long can you focus on the person you are talking to on the phone?  For me, it is a maximum of five minutes and then I switch off because I have no visuals. I do not see the person on the other end of the line. I enjoy face to face conversations anytime over a phone conversation. We are very fortunate nowadays with our gadgets to have video chats. We are able to have face to face conversations in real time. We have the body language, tone of voice and verbal communication. What an absolute delight and a gargantuan treat!

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When was the last time you went to pick up your groceries at the supermarket and came home without this and that?  I am thinking the same thing that I used to do. I went to the supermarket without a shopping list. No visuals, which meant that I could not remember everything I needed to bring home. Nowadays, I use to pen to score out the items on my shopping list as I pick them up from the supermarket shelf. This has proven to work for me every time. I forgot to pick up honey on Friday even though it was written on my shopping list. There was no pen in my rucksack to score out my shopping. Who suffered?  Yes, you got it. It was me. I scolded myself for not bringing a pen with me to the supermarket!

Before you tell yourself that you are a failure at everything you do,  ask yourself this: Am I a visual learner?  Maybe I would do better with visuals!

When was the last time you felt alive, physically?

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I feel most alive when I feel free from the aches and pains from life’s daily struggles and challenges. I am feeling my body ageing daily as I drag myself out of bed to start my day. I miss the mornings when I was a tender teenager, waking up to start my day with boundless energy and enthusiasm. I miss the feeling of a pain free body to move freely and vivaciously. I miss the endless supply of energy I had in my tender teens to see me through each day’s struggles and hardships. I miss feeling the care free thought of no responsibilities like I have now, as a mother to three sons and a wife, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, an employee, a mentor and a role model to so many people. I miss having the fun that I had back then, in my tender teens, with the endless laughter and care free being that I was.

I thought it was the gargantuan amount of responsibilities that weighed me down many years ago, until I learned that it was the aches and pains from going through the hardships, the struggles, the challenges, the setbacks and the daily tasks that needed my full attention. The aches and pains from all the emotions that I had learned to stuff down my body, ignoring them, suppressing them, dismissing them and brushing them under the carpet. This only created something uglier that came back up some years ago when I was diagnosed with mild depression, signed off work for two weeks and I was beginning a journey with life in total darkness.

There was light at the end of the dark, dull and scary tunnel for me when I was fortunately introduced to personal development back in 2011. I learned that my depression was caused and created from my set up……… my dysfunctional family set up, my childhood of not knowing who and what I was and this created so much chaos in my early life. I remember my childhood was full of drama, chaos, shouting and screaming after I began living in Glasgow, Scotland after I moved from Hong Kong. I remember mum was a very different person prior to our move to Scotland. She was always cheery, bubbly, happy and fun to be with. This all changed when we started living with dad. He was far too serious and grumpy for mum to have fun with us. Mum was being influenced by dad’s sour faced grumpiness! Dad never ever smiled or laughed the way mum did. Dad never ever had so much fun with us like mum did. Dad was just an old grumpy sour faced Scrooge.

I slowly learned to be authentic, to be open and honest and most importantly to be myself. The journey in finding myself, finding out who and what I am was ever so painful. I experienced so much pain from learning that I was denied so many of my basic needs as a child growing up. I felt rage in full throttle coming through my body. I wanted to punch someone. Anyone and in particular, my dad and mum. I wanted to cause them as much pain as they had caused me to live with. I want them to feel all the aches and pains that I was carrying around, all day, everyday. I wanted them to suffer twice as much as they caused me to suffer.

There was one particular book I remember reading, at the end of 2012, which helped me to let go of this full throttle rage I was carrying around. I felt so much lighter after I had completed it’s final chapter. I even remember calling my ex husband asking him to talk to Cory, our eldest son because he needed us to be there for him during a tough time he was having. There on my bed, I was as cool as a cucumber, talking slowly and calmly. This was all new to me as I rarely felt this relaxed and calm with such a loser of an ex husband.

As I continued with my delightful journey into developing a better self, with my new attitude to life, I started to feel less aches and pains. Then the aches and pains would come crashing into my body, like I was hit by a double decker bus, as new struggles and challenges came my way. Oh my goodness! Why me?  Just leave me alone!  I have had more than enough shit to deal with in my life.

Life gives us lessons to learn, disguised as struggles, challenges and setbacks. They are there to help us grow, develop, expand and move out of our comfort zone.

When I lost my dearest big brother to a very sudden death in November 2013, I was thrown into the darkest rut I had ever experienced. His death came at a time when I was growing and expanding. I had learned a few things about this and that, which all came to me at the appropriate time to help me through this latest life experience. I lost the most vivacious part of me when big brother died. I was dead inside. Something inside of me died the morning we received news of big brother’s sudden passing. It took me over eighteen months of painful therapy, grieving and crying to get through losing my big brother, my twin, my one and only lifetime companion. I eventually found myself again. I was slowly thawing and becoming alive once again. Alive enough to enjoy the good, the happiness, the love, the health and wealth that life has to offer each one of us.

It is said that when something or someone is taken away from us, something or someone takes their place. That was to become true for me. I met my Aussie hubby just three months after losing my dearest big brother. My Aussie hubby has helped me, educated me and brought out the best in me when I had lost myself to the most heartbreaking life experience I had endured. We have thoroughly enjoyed everyday of our long distance relationship since our paths crossed in unexpected circumstances.

Life is brighter than it ever has been for me. Yes, there are days when I still feel the aches and pains from life. Yes, there are days when my body says “No you are not dragging me out of bed” just like today.  I say to my body “Just do it and you shall feel happier!”  I talk to myself in a much more positive and constructive manner. Unlike what I did prior to my journey with working hard on myself. At the end of a tough day, I say to myself “Well done for getting through another challenging day”.  I sleep a deeper sleep which helps me to feel revitalised and rejuvenated in the mornings.

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Life is so much more enjoyable nowadays as I smile more each day. The only make up that I ever need and it costs absolutely nothing in terms of money. I laugh at the silliest things and I am finally living for myself and that is success. Life is a fun adventure with my craziness and that is all that I need to inspire others to live for themselves. Happy living!

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Family gathering yesterday afternoon with my family brought an interesting topic up for discussion. Calvin wanted a one hundred pound note to add to his collection of notes that he has collected since his first experience of flying. My eldest son Cory, chirped……”Why would you want to keep a hundred pound note that is Scottish and has very little value as it is worth very little, plus there is no English hundred pound notes so you are going to be losing a hundred pounds?”………and dad said something very similar.  To a twelve year old who’s hobby is to collect money from all over the world to add to his expanding collection, the value of the notes are not of any interest to him. The value lies in having what he wants to add to his collection. Calvin told me he was missing a hundred pound note from his collection of Scottish and English notes. This is what my family missed from not asking Calvin why he wanted a hundred pound note. Instead, Cory and dad reacted to Calvin’s request from his gran.

This is a great example of how we are and can be easily swayed by others’ opinion of what we are doing with our lives. “Why would you do that, nobody does that?”……..this tends to come up so often around us. It is for that exact reason why we want to do it, because nobody else is doing it.  Why do we want to do what everyone else is doing?  To follow the trend or be in the crowd and to fit in? Or are we too scared of being laughed at and be criticised for doing whatever our heart desires?

I have never ever followed fashion trends. Never ever been into designer labels or had any desire to catch up with the “Jones’s”. I have my own fashion style….which is comfort and practicality. I love to do things that I set my mind to do. I have never ever cared for other’s opinion of what I do and where I go or what I wear. I love and thoroughly enjoy being who I was born to be. I picked this up from my crazy, feisty and inspirational mother.   Yet, there are so many of us, who are so scared to step out of their comfort zone and do what their heart desires to do merely because they are too scared of what others would think or say about what they want to do. They allow this to imprison them and hold them back from what they could do with their lives. They have no passion. They lose themselves to others’ opinion.

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I remember having a conservation with a Hong Kong-er about my personal development and how I have learned so many valuable skills from just reading books. They said to me, when I suggested that they read in their spare time, “Nobody reads in Hong Kong!”  I think what they were telling me was “Nobody that I know reads, so I am not going to read, in case they laugh at me!”   Maybe they would have started to read if they had people around them that reads. Who knows?  The fact that nobody around them reads, was their reason for not starting to read. We become the first five people we spend the most time with. I think they are definitely not the kind to start anything new unless their friends did it.

I have taught Calvin to do whatever he wants to do, regardless of others’ opinion because it is his life,  his right and freedom to do whatever he wishes to do. I have taught Calvin that no matter what we do, others’ are always going to have an opinion. As long as he never ever allows the opinion of what others’ say or think about what he does, he is going to be so much happier.

How happy are you with your passions, your hobbies, your desires, your goals, your dreams?  Where are you heading with your life in the next three years?

For parents out there, I strongly suggest that you teach your children to stick with their hobbies, goals, dreams and desires, regardless of what their friends and peers think of what they are doing. Your children need this guidance from you because they are the children of our future. They have a right and the freedom to do whatever they set their little minds on. Never ever discourage your children from whatever it is that they want to do, no matter how silly, stupid or ridiculous it seems to you. It is your children’s choice and the right to do whatever they want. Give them the freedom and encourage them to go forth. Support them and let them have fun with their hobbies, goals, dreams and desires. They shall be so much happier children and it shall pay off. Teach your children that it is quite alright to stand out from the crowd and do whatever they want to do.

Society has more than enough people who expect us to conform to their standards and expectations of us, without our children following this dysfunctional way of life.  Our children has the right and freedom to do whatever they have set their little yet smart minds to do. Freedom to do whatever we want is one of the most powerful and liberating things we could ever give to our children. Let’s all give our children this freedom for happiness!

Dear big brother

I started my new job this week!  How exciting!  It reminds me of starting my new chapter in my life when I chose to become a single mother, working my first nine til five job back in 2007, when you were there for me and my three sons, everyday to support us. This new job is at The Quay, a brand new American burger restaurant, opening their first branch in Scotland. What a privilege for me! Hehe

I was crying on the bus heading home from Toastmasters this Tuesday evening. I was thinking of how much progress I have made since I joined Toastmasters last year with the support and help from my sweetheart. I so wanted to share all of my successes with you yet knowing you are no longer here physically broke my heart and I cried. My heart felt so heavy, I just wanted to snuggle up in bed and cry. I felt so alone and lonely. I wanted sweetheart to hug me, rub my back and comfort me. I no longer want to cry over your sudden passing because I get such a heavy and painful headache that stays for hours. I no longer want to carry the intense emotional pain of your passing that broke my heart into tiny fragments. I want to move forward and shine. I want to achieve my goals and soar!

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I do miss you everyday and think about you. I no longer want to feel guilty for getting on with my life. I want to let you know that you shall always have a special place in my heart.

I feel very sad when I get together with our parents and Tony because you are absent physically. I never hear them talk about you.  I still feel very sad about your passing and want to express this to them yet I was set up to never express my emotions therefore, I find this very difficult.

I attended my second Codependents Anonymous meeting last night. We were guided to share anything regarding avoidance patterns. I hesitated and pondered about how to share what was on my mind. I finally stepped forward and shared what has been brushed under the carpet since July last year, when I got my first job since your passing. I was in shock when I was crying on the bus heading home on Tuesday night. A part of me was relieved from the tears yet I knew I would get a headache which was what I was avoiding for far too long. Sharing my avoidance patterns helped me to realise that I was set up to avoid certain behaviours and feelings. I want to start this new job with as much positive energy as possible and I promised myself that I shall take care of my emotional health as much as possible.

I am due to marry Sweetheart in July, in Hong Kong and I am so excited yet feel sad and upset that you are not here physically to share my joy with me. Mum, Tony and Ailun are flying over for my wedding. We have planned for a pre-wedding photo shoot before our wedding because I never had one. We are having a small casual dinner with family on the night of our wedding. Calvin shall be staying with either mum or Sweetheart’s family on our wedding night to allow us the “us time” on our wedding night.  This is the third time that both Calvin and I are flying back to Hong Kong. We are flying with Emirates again because that is what Calvin wants. We heard that BA are the worst for customer service so we stayed away from them. Thank goodness we got a great deal online for our flights last month!

I have many uncertainties in my mind due to the two new chapters taking place in my life. I am grateful to have found a job before my wedding which means that I have a job to come back home to after our wedding. It takes away the stress of looking for a job and getting back onto my JSA. I am also grateful to Sweetheart for our wedding. His siblings have been a great help with organising our wedding.

Colin came home form Munich three weeks ago. Calvin is over the moon about this because he gets to play online games with Colin and he has company when I am tending to my tasks and meetings.

Calvin went on his first school trip to Lockerbie Manor last week. He was very resilient and strong. He brought out his suitcase and packed it on the Sunday morning before he left. I taught him how to pack his own suitcase for when he comes home so that he is equipped with that knowledge. Calvin is growing so much physically and emotionally. He is now into adult sizes for everything from shoes to tops and trousers.

I neglected to put a placing request for Calvin’s chosen high school before the cut off date which was last month. This has created some issues as to what high school Calvin shall attend in August. I am due to get an answer on the decision of the placing request next month. I would like him to attend Trinity High School, because both Cory and Colin attended it and it was a fantastic school.

I am due to work with my new colleagues for the first time tomorrow when we all go into the brand new restaurant to fill it up. We have training to complete online in our own time. I logged onto it for the first time this afternoon and the first training session was so boring I almost fell asleep. I think it went on for far too long. I am now put off from progressing with this online training. Oh dear!

Anyway, this is all for now. I want to play with Bubby, our cute little hamster who as hyper as me! Hehe

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“Why would you get married for the second time when it didn’t work out the first time?”  Stephen said. Stephen was a linen porter that I worked with at the Travelodge Hotel job I had for six months. He separated with his wife because their relationship was not working. In Stephen’s mind, a marriage is very unlikely to work the second time because the first one ended in much pain and bitterness. From talking to Stephen and getting to know him, he is clearly still holding onto unresolved issues from this first marriage. This is a recipe for another painful and bitter end to a new relationship if and when he gets into one because he has “excess baggage” as the saying goes.

How do we resolve our unresolved issues from a previous relationship and move forward for inner peace and happiness? First we need to accept that our previous relationship was setting us up for what it turned to be. We learned to love our partner from our set up, our parents and main caregivers. If we were born into a dysfunctional family, like myself, we are more than likely to have a dysfunctional  and unhealthy relationship with our partner. We are going to get into codependency and that is where the sign of pain and heartbreak lies.

I was in a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex husband who was also born into a dysfunctional family. I was the needy one in our unhealthy relationship and he was the needless one. My personal needs, wants and values were never ever met because I had no idea what they were, until I began my journey with personal development. My personal foundation was damaged, destroyed and this left me with nothing to build our relationship on. My ex husband also didn’t know what his personal needs, wants, desires and values were. We both had many unresolved issues from our past buried deep in our personal foundation which meant that we were set up for a bitter, painful and unhealthy relationship with ourselves and with each other.

Our relationship lasted for sixteen years which was to me, a very unfulfilling and painful time. I was at my prime and had very little knowledge as to how I could create a better life for myself and for us. I was controlled all my life by my mother who was abandoned by her birth parents. I was denied the freedom to make decisions and choices for myself. I was trapped whilst living at home with my parents so I escaped. That escape only created another unhappy, unfulfilling and unhealthy environment for me.

I have many unresolved issues from those unfulfilling and painful sixteen years spent with a toxic and narcissistic man that has been haunting me. There have been dreams of me taking back control in our relationship in the past week or so. In each of the dreams, I am being very assertive with my then husband and that was what I always wanted to be, subconsciously. Yet, I married my mother!  I allowed my then husband to control me, manipulate me and abuse me because I was treated that way by my parents.

The abuse from then husband only stopped when I dumped him and started a new life for myself. That was the biggest challenge in my entire life. It was the best decision I ever made!

The first step is always the most difficult and challenging yet once we have made that first step, everything becomes much easier.

I had very little to lose from what I had lost prior to being a single mum. The loses were a blessing in disguise. They set me up for getting out of my comfort zone and doing what is appropriate for myself,  with no regards of what others say or think of me.

In reflecting, those loses were necessary for me to feel blessed with what I had. “We never know what we have until we lose it” is so true. I was spending so much of my time focusing on what I didn’t have in life and neglecting to see what treasures I did have, right in front of my eyes.

Nowadays, I am ever grateful for the bare necessities, food, water, shelter, good health care and I no longer take them for granted.

I remember being a positive person who knew how to have fun with life yet when I was given huge responsibilities as a big sister, everything changed for me. I was no longer a child at the age of ten. I lost myself to being a mother to my younger brother who was not my responsibility. Life was full of responsibilities then and I was living for taking care of younger brother and my parents. My life was robbed and I felt trapped.

Today, I set myself free of my caretaker role and I am finally living for myself and no one else. I do whatever I want, within reason, whenever I want, with whoever I want. I am taking care of my personal needs, wants and desires. I am “selfing” as Shirley Smith said in her book “Set Yourself Free”. I have no qualms about doing what is necessary to take care of my needs, wants and desires, even when others don’t see why I need to do a particular thing.

There are many uncertainties with taking care of my needs, wants and desires as I am constantly growing, evolving and expanding. I am well equipped with tools I gained from my almost six years of personal development to help me embrace uncertainties.

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My new chapter in life is upon me. It is both very exciting and scary. It is also giving me many opportunities to experience things I have yet to experience. I am finally experiencing the excitement of planning and organising things for myself, both in my personal life and in my career. I am now experiencing having the things I was once denied of having. Planning and organising for my wedding with my sweetheart has been exciting and I get feelings of happiness come through along with some negative emotions which are all good.

To me, getting the things I was once denied of having brings up many unresolved and unexpressed emotions through my body. This is a very scary experience and thank goodness I have huge self awareness and emotional intelligence to handle the raw emotions as they come through. My body has been going through some aches and pains due to this happening in the past month or so.

Thank goodness for my daily yoga and mediation that I engage in. I am able to scan my body for whatever seems to be bothering me and acknowledge it. Then give it my full attention and finally I am able to move forward.

The pain at the back of my neck in the past week or so is finally subsiding from my meditation and yoga. It was such “a pain in the neck” to be feeling the pain in my neck again, as it came from my whiplash in May 2014 after being the back passenger of Cory’s car. We were hit only very slightly by a car behind us when we were stopped at a set of traffic lights. Yet that slight hit was more than enough to do damage to my neck, shoulders and head.

In two months time I shall be flying to Hong Kong for my wedding. My second wedding shall be twenty times more exciting than my first because I get to make the choices and decisions for me, for us and for our future. That is what we both want to do for each of us, finally!

There are many uncertainties with a marriage. We get cold feet and that is quite alright. I am experiencing the cold feet since we booked our wedding date. I am also getting many negative thoughts coming through. All the “what if’s and but’s” are visiting my mind. My old self is wanting to take control due to so many negative thoughts each day, roaming my mind. Go away old self!  You have no place in my life now. I am very happy now. Now let’s send you off to the past where you belong!

Why did I never ever have these negative thoughts come through when I was about to get married for the first time? What is happening now that never happened back then?

I think it is due to our state of mind. It changes as we go through different stages in our lives. We are constantly evolving and expanding. This means we are learning everyday. I am learning to embrace uncertainties with a new chapter in my life. Bring on the fear and uncertainties!

When was the last time you got some relationship advice from anyone?  How much do you listen to their advice and process it?  How open are you to relationship advice?

I was having lunch with a dear friend yesterday and he offered me some sound and wise tips on how to be an independent woman after marriage as I am due to become my sweetheart’s wife. He told me that women of this era must be able to financially take care of themselves instead of depending on their partner for the financial security. I totally agree with him because we are not gauranteed a tomorrow. What shall we do if our partner suddenly dies or goes bankrupt? How do we support ourselves and survive the hardship without any financial security to fall back on?  Money makes the world go round as the saying goes. Without money, we are stuck and this creates so many problems. If we have dependent children, then it is much more important to build some sort of financial security for them and us.

I became a single mother to my three sons, when they were aged 2, 11 and 13. I struggled immensely due to me having no financial security whatsoever. I received no child maintenance from my sons father which created more stress for me. I wish I had learned back then that it was vital to have some money put aside for such rainy days.

This dear friend of mine also advised me to continue to make progress as I am doing now. It is vital to have a life of progress consistently for personal growth. Women are capable of achieving so many things, outside of their relationship he said. Men respect such women a whole lot more. Women who have a life outside of their romantic relationship are much more attractive compared to those who are too lazy to achieve anything and become a lady of leisure because their partner has a business. Their partner’s business has nothing to do with the woman’s personal growth and achievements. Yet these women seem to have these two differences confused with who and what they are!

strong women

I see many Chinese women from my culture who have partners that run their own business and these women become the typical “lady of leisure” where they go shoppping and have high tea with their friends. These women have no desire to learn new skills, volunteer to help those in need, establish their own career or attend classes to learn something, anything. They solely depend on their partner’s income to support them which is very dangerous because they have become far too comfortable to get out there to establish a life and a career for themselves. They are merely living for shopping and having high tea with their friends, whilst their partners are working.

I was once so envious of these women until I learned that these women would never ever be able to stand on their own two feet if their partner failed in their business or died suddenly. Nowadays, I am constantly learning something, anything to enhance my life and make consistent progress for happiness. I no longer focus all of my spare time, energy and attention on my long distance relationship. I have a life outside of our LDR where I do what I want and when I want. I was once a love addict and that was very draining and toxic. It was so unhealthy where I lost myself to a romantic relationship.

Life has many wonders to offer us and it is imperative that we search those wonders through some soul searching. Finding our passions helps us to focus on fulfilling our dreams and creating a better and happier life for ourselves. No one is responsible for our happiness, other than ourselves. There are so many things that we could do to create happiness for us, other than investing time, energy and attention into our romantic relationship.

Healthy romantic relationships are what we want to build. We want to have our own individuality and still be available for our romantic relationship. It is so important that we never ever lose ourselves when we are in a romantic relationship. When we do, we lose the focus on what we want from our lives and this is where so many women become heartbroken when their romantic relationship ends. This is a recipe for diseases and sickness. That is the last thing us women want.

My dear friend offered the advice of “keep dating your partner” after marriage. Keep the spark alive by going out to do things together. “Make time for each other after marriage and no excuses here” he said. Never ever neglect to take care of your marriage or else it shall create a distance between you both. “Pull the weeds” as Jim Rohn wrote in his book “Twelve Pillars”. I know this already Tony! Hehe   Why do you think our LDR has lasted three years and still going strong?

Tony told me that it is never a wise thing to do to tell my partner, future husband that it’s too expensive to go here or to do this together. The money is well worth spending to  create memories and fun for each other which is the secret to maintaining the spark. Our spark is what keeps the relationship going from strength to strength. Tony said “It is best to be able to earn more money than to save money by scrimping on things that need money to maintain your relationship”.  I do agree with him on this one to a certain extent. It is a woman’s hardwiring to save money due to scarcity in our olden days where money was always tight.

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I think we are able to create time for our relationship after marriage as we are solution orientated. We value each other and our relationship to commit time, focus and energy into it for long lasting love and intimacy. On the subject of intimacy, I think we deserve a gold medal for keeping the emotional and mental connection alive for intimacy. Although the physical intimacy is absent, we have all the tools and knowledge to create intimacy by other means. We are authentic with each other therefore, we have intimacy. Shirley Smith’s “Without authenticity, there can be no intimacy” in her book “Behind Closed Doors” serves us well as we have both read the book. We are in a healthy relationship with ourselves and each other which is what makes our LDR work.

Bring on our wedding and more memories of fun, laughter, love and intimacy from our authenticity!

What do you do to de-stress? What do you do to deal with and handle stress at home and at work?

I am currently unemployed!  Thank goodness because I would have had a nervous breakdown if I was working and dealing with this week’s demands at home.

We had our boiler and radiators replaced on Wednesday which was a major project!  I needed to move large and small pieces of furniture around our tiny three bedroom flat to make room for the workmen to do what they needed to do. This meant that I needed to declutter our tiny flat, filled with so much crap and rubbish that we no longer used or need. I felt so much lighter from the declutter and Spring clean. Yet when it came to moving all the furniture around, that was a different story all together!

The dust that had accumulated underneath furniture that had stayed in their place for over eight years was unbelievable! Thank goodness for our dust sucker of a vacuum cleaner we got. Dyson never fails to deliver when it comes to sucking up dust! Haha

We were told it was best to leave home for the day from 8am until 5pm on the day of the major works. Thank goodness for my parents who live nearby and for their Wifi. Calvin was entertained and content!  I got spoiled by my parents because I got to have fun with mum. Dad spoiled me when he made me lunch and he made Calvin’s too!  The best days are lived with our parents! Hehe

Seeing our home at 5pm on Wednesday was upsetting!  There was dirt, dust and mess in our living room, bedrooms, hall and bathroom. Home was like a bombsite. The reward was……we had a new combi boiler and new radiators. This means our gas bill shall be lower. I could save more for another holiday! Haha

I could not cook from scratch for our dinner as our kitchen was dirty, dusty and in a huge mess, so it was a take away full of fat and salt. Yuck!

I missed my daily yoga session and felt so stressed!

yoga pose

It took me over two hours of cleaning and changing my bed linen to feel comfortable and clean to some extent!  It felt like a workout and reminded me of the days I was working as a housekeeper with Travelodge.

Our carpets look like they are doing some sort of yoga pose as they have been neglected due to the major works. The carpet fitter yesterday whilst I was out for my job interview so I missed him and need to wait until Monday before our carpet is put back to their original beauty!  Meanwhile, I am keeping my eyes off all our carpets at the bottom of the radiators! Hehe

Now that I have started my mission to Spring clean and declutter, I have a new addiction!  I want to declutter every room and have as little as possible. My two elder sons have so much rubbish and crap hoarding in their bedrooms that the sight of them all would be more than enough to weigh down a truck! I threw out old and out of date sauces from our fridge as I was cleaning it this afternoon. The Cheesestrings that Calvin no longer wants went into our food waste bin. I cleared our stationery drawer and gave away loads of pencils, rubbers, rulers and colouring pens to our neighbour who has five kids. I am sure they shall have more use of them all than we would.

Decluttering is vital to create space for better things to come through. I have a less cluttered bedroom now since I threw out a small wardrobe that I found to be taking up space and no longer served me well. I am planning on clearing out boxes of unwanted rubbish sitting on the floor, taking up vital space. I created space for my long awaited library by rearranging things around. It was a wonderful moment when I realised that I could have my library by just rearranging things around, instead of having to wait until this and that. I am so happy for my self made library where I am able to see the titles of my books now that they are standing up, instead of lying flat in a huge box! Woo hoo!

depositphotos_5242273-stock-photo-girl-taking-a-bathI have been taking baths, which I rarely do, to de-stress, with lavender oil and what a great de-stresser! The shower was fast for a quick wash, yet the bath soaking was vital to de-stress!  Heaven!

Congratulations to me on getting through a rather demanding and tough week!  Well done me! Hehe