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I had a dream last night which was so vivid, I felt like I was actually there. I was feeling all the raw emotions connected with me flying like a plane. Soaring into the bright blue sky, lifting up my arms, flapping energetically, kicking my legs with all the energy within me and reaching for freedom. Freedom to do whatever I wanted to do, whenever I want. That freedom was never possible until I began to search for my life purpose and set some goals that I wanted to achieve.

All my life, from a tender age, I was living life under other people’s control and I felt like a prisoner, locked up in her cell. First it was mum, who gave me huge responsibilities and task after task to complete each day. I felt robbed of my childhood, the happiest days of any child’s life. As I grew into my teenager years, I began to resent my mum and wanted to escape her controlling ways. I fled into what I thought would be a happier life, only to create the exact same thing. I had unconsciously set myself up to be controlled or I allowed others to control me because I was far too weak to say NO!

My freedom came to me when I took charge of my life, let go of toxic relationships, eliminated drama, turned my life around for the better and fantastic things became to come to me. I was finally free to do what I really wanted to do, whenever I want. I was finally free to be who I was born to be. I was living my life for me, not what others expected or wanted for me. I was learning to say NO!

I thoroughly enjoyed my freedom to come and go as I pleased. I thoroughly enjoyed my journey of self discovery and I learned so much about myself and about this beautiful world that was beyond believe!

I travelled to new places that I had never set foot onto with much anticipation. I picked up the travel bug and then passed it onto my youngest son, Calvin. He is now a plane spotter and knows a lot more about planes than I do, especially the Boeing 747.

In my dream last night, fear was telling me that I did not have what it takes to soar and fly into the bright blue sky. Yet, the courageous part of me, was telling fear that I shall do it even if I fall and sustain an injury or three. My courage brought me up into the cold air, as I kicked my legs and flapped my hands with as much energy as I could muster. I was feeling so liberated and free to enjoy the sights from above the ground and feeling the cold air, brushing against my whole body. The entire flying experience in my dream was the exact same thing I had experienced last year. It felt like I was reflecting on how much progress I had made last year and the universe was telling me, “This is what you are more than capable of Kit, so continue to soar high!”

I sensed that this dream was a sign. A sign telling me that I am to continue to soar in order to achieve my goals. A sign to tell me, no matter what hurdles and obstacles you come across Kit, you shall find a way to overcome each and every one of them!

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I shall continue to work hard and smart to soar as high as the sky!

 

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As the year 2016 is drawing to it’s end, I am taking time to reflect on my journey so far. What an amazing year of gargantuan growth it truly has been for me! I had created time to set big goals to achieve this year at the end of 2015. It was absolutely vital for me, to set big goals before the end of the year and this sets me up for success. Having eliminated all sorts of distractions in all shape and form last year, no more toxic relationships and drama from them, this year has been the most fruitful for me since I began my journey with personal development over five years ago.

I have had many sleepless nights, this year, tossing and turning from anxiety and a sense of fear of going into the unknown. There were nightmares some nights and other nights, there were weird and funny dreams. I have felt all sorts of fear big and small to get my hands on my goals. The most important ingredient has been no distractions unlike previous years. With my blinkers on, working on my goals has been so much easier this year. Many days, I have felt lonely and thank you to my days of solitude after my dearest big brother’s passing, I have learned to feel comfortable with enjoying my solitude. Being on my own, silent, still and quiet during my recovery and healing process from big brother’s very sudden passing has served me well. It was a blessing in disguise in more ways than one or two. I am ever grateful for my most challenging life experience.

Attending my weekly Toastmasters meetings, throwing myself into the different roles to take on, in order to gain my Competent Leadership Badge has been most rewarding and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of being on stage. Taking on the Toastmasters role was the most yet I felt the fear and did it anyway, gaining experience from it and allowing me to grow. I have delivered four prepared speeches, three of them were short notice because another member dropped out of their allocated slot, which meant that I had very little time to practice my prepared speech, yet I grabbed those opportunities to get myself out of my comfort zone. My prepared speeches did not need to be perfect. I no longer strive for perfection because it is very futile. All that was important to me was to enjoy my experience delivering my speech and gain more confidence.

I have been very fortunate to have found myself again, after losing a huge part of me after big brother’s very sudden passing. It took me a long time, yet I finally found myself again and I thoroughly enjoyed the whole journey of recovery and healing. It was a major struggle, yet those struggles were put in my life to help me to grow and learn. What doesn’t kill you certainly makes you stronger as Kelly Clarkson sang in her song Stronger!

Settling into my first job since big brother’s sudden passing has been the most challenging thing I have had to handle this year. Being out of work for almost three years, it took me quite a while to settle. Yet I embraced the challenges, found solutions, felt the fear and feared forward. I felt anxiety, trepidation and apprehension as I walked into my job each day during the beginning.  It was such a huge struggle both mentally and emotionally. The physical demands was also a huge stress factor. I would come home feeling like I had been run down by a bus!

Five months since I started my job, I have more than settled and made new friends with my team and they are becoming as crazy as me. I have influenced them in a great way! Hehe

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Visiting Hong Kong for the second time this October, was one of my biggest milestones this year. I embraced many fears and stepped out of my comfort zone. I finally learned to navigate the Hong Kong MTR, their Mass Transit Railway. I got the MTR by myself from Mongkok to our Airbnb in Sai Ying Pun after meeting an online friend for the first time. I got lost and it was such an adventure as I knew I was lost. I looked at the map at the station that I got off the MTR at, to find my way back to my destination. I stepped out of my comfort zone many times in Hong Kong this year. It was such a huge opportunity for me to grow and gain more confidence. I may not be an expert yet at travelling on the MTR, yet I can navigate my way around with ease and comfort. Thinking back on my last year’s visit, my first, how overwhelmed I had felt at being boxed in and squeezed in with my fellow passengers, I have made such amazing progress to be truly proud of. I get very claustrophobic in confined spaces and now I feel comfortable with having my fellow passengers in my face, literally! Haha   Buying breakfast each morning from our local cafe was another milestone for me. Thank goodness I could read their Chinese menu. That was less stressful for me. It was placing my order each day, from a different cafe that left me feeling very uncomfortable. Yet, I did it anyway to gain confidence and grow. It was nowhere near as scary as I had made up in my mind. Sweetheart was spending time with his immediate family in mainland China during our first weekend in Hong Kong which left me with Calvin all alone, fending for ourselves. It was a great opportunity for me to learn how to travel farther on the MTR, with the help from my personal Sat Nav. We thoroughly enjoyed riding the train, by First Class to Tai Po to meet with my mum and her sister Wendy. I felt no fear during that weekend as I was feeling very relaxed and calm. Calvin thoroughly enjoyed having his mum all to himself. I loved our quality bonding time together and the time spent with my mum and aunt Wendy. It felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity for me as it was my first time being in Hong Kong with my mum. Hehe

As this is my last post from 2016, I want to shout “Well done me for making such gargantuan progress this year and getting my hands on so many successes, big and small!” A huge thank you to my sweetheart for his continuous support and guidance.

 

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There was a time not that long ago, when I was still a newbie at personal development, where I questioned myself about my identity. About who I was which created so much confusion for me and I felt I had lost a huge part of who and what I was born to be from taking care of my parents, brothers, ex husband, his family and our sons.

I needed to know who I was at the time and I felt trapped in someone’s mind and body that I could not understand. I felt so lost and bewildered. I felt like a nobody, not even myself understood who and what I was. That was so scary for me. I felt dead and empty inside at times of confusion. I lost the connection I once had with who and what I was born to be.

My dysfunctional family set up had set me up for a life of shame and pain. That intense pain was still lingering and I wanted it to disappear so that I could focus on my present and future self.

I wanted to break free from who and what I was expected to be and live my life for me, not for pleasing my dad and what he expected me to be. He would remind me, whenever I was not conforming to his expectations “you remember what your name means Kit Yee!” I had no desire to conform to any cultural or social standards and expectations. I longed to become who and what I was born to be. Not what my name meant. Not what my dad expected me to be. Not what my dad wanted me to be. I longed to be free of all of other people’s expectations of who and what they wanted me to be.

I remember for a few years,  as I was finding myself, that my dad would consistently shame me in the presence of my family, for what I had did or said that was “not appropriate” according to his standards. This created so much drama and a huge distance between dad and myself.

It was much later, after reading  “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, where I learned why my dad had shamed me so much in the presence of family members. Until then, I could not understand why and how he would only shame me and mum in the presence of family members during family gatherings. As I was reading this book, everything that my dad said or did to me and mum during family gatherings became crystal clear.  I could finally understand my dad’s behaviours and I felt so much lighter. I did nothing wrong by being myself. I did nothing that warranted such toxic shame. I did nothing wrong to be true to myself and stand up for what I believed in.

The issues was not with me. The issues was not what I did or said. The issues was with my dad and what he was taught in his childhood. He was passing his toxic shame onto me and mum. It was time to break free from this toxic shame and find a way to recovery and healing. It was time to find peace and be at peace.

I was very fortunate to have been introduced to a great therapist at the beginning of this year and working with her helped me to find a way to recovery and healing for a peaceful and fulfilling life.

It has been a very painful journey to self discovery and I am grateful to have had the support and love from my sweetheart who guided me through my finding myself.

Nowadays, I live each day free to be who and what I was born to be. It is so much fun to live my life being who and what I was born to be and no longer conforming to or submitting to who and what others want me to be.

I recently found out that I am an ENFJ meaning extraversion, intuition, feeling and judgement, in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to refer to one of the 16 personality types from answering a question on Quora. After listening to an audio book about this particular personality type, I learned even more about myself and why I do the things I do.

ENFJs are born leaders therefore, that explains why I do not feel comfortable being told what to do and how to do it. I do what I believe works for me, not what others tell me would work for me. I learn from making my own mistakes, not from others’ mistakes because I am different to others. I do what I want to do for me and no questions asked. I am not a follower, I never have been and never will. I knew from a tender age that I was very different to others around me. I felt comfortable with that due to how my mum is. I feel most comfortable and happy when I am doing my own things and not following trends or what others are doing. I can come across as stubborn and strong willed, which are both vital to standing up to what I believe in. These are important ingredients to getting what I want to achieve in life. Nothing major shall be achieved without a bit of stubbornness and strong will.

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There are only 12% of the world’s population who are ENFJs which is so amazing and I was shocked when I found out. I am grateful to have found this about myself. What a great insight and it really fascinated me! Now I can fully understand why I had felt at a tender age, that I was so different from others around me.

I am finally free to live my life the way I want. I am loving the fun I have each day being me. I love me, warts and all. Thank you!

Why is the subject of death such a taboo subject all over the world when it is something that happens to all of us? I have been very curious about death since I learned about it at a tender age. Yet, upon asking about the subject, I am told to shut up and forget about finding out anything of it. As time passed, I realised that this created my fears of death. I was very scared of dying in moments when I was triggered by thoughts or emotions that came flooding through me about uncertainties.

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I remember talking to my dad about coffins and death at his house one day and I was told to shut up with his anger and that was enough to tell me that he was not comfortable talking about it. I also remember bringing up death with my ex husband’s mother, where she was also very angry with the subject. Why? Why are we not allowed to talk about death in a calm manner?

I am reading “Embracing Uncertainty” by Susan Jeffers and she suggests that we “Embrace the hearse” and talk about death. She suggests that we plan for our funeral and talk to our friends and family about our plans.

I want to take this opportunity to plan for my funeral and call it “Celebrating my fulfilled life”. I may have missed out on many opportunities before I reached 39 years young. Yet I am free to go for what I truly believe I am capable of achieving. I am living my life for me now, not for others. I am free to be who and what I was born to be. Nothing is stopping me now. I am soaring!

In my party for “Celebrating my fulfilled life” I shall have upbeat music of my choice, food of my choice that is from all over the world to cater for all of my dearest friends and family. I have friends and family from all over the world so this is vital to bring them together to celebrate my fulfilled life. Food always brings people together, along with music and a party!

I want all of my attendees to wear bright colours. They are allowed to dress up or down, whatever they feel comfortable with as long as there is some bright colour in their attire. Next, I want party poppers, balloons, party hats, streamers, a clown, a bouncy castle, a magician and anything that is party related. Everyone shall be encouraged to bring their inner child out and play. There shall be so much laughter, cracking jokes, smiles all around and children are allowed to create a bit of mess and be noisy.  I want to have the loudest send off to give something to my friends and family to remember me by. I want to go with a humongous bang! I am loud and proud so that is rather appropriate of me!

My party is the most unconventional one anyone shall ever attend because I am one of a kind, unique and so special that you shall never meet any other quite like me. It shall be one where my attendees are partying into the night and if they wish into the early hours of the morning. There shall be accommodation arranged for those who live afar.

I want attendees to dance to the music and be happy that I was a part of their lives. I want a karaoke machine for those who love to sing so that they can sing until their heart’s content. I want everyone to talk about me in a positive light and share with each other what they learned from me. I want some of my friends and family to share their inspiring experiences of me with the crowd and this allows them to remember me for who and what I am. I want them to share with each other how crazy, silly and childlike I am. I want them to keep this alive because life is meant to be fun!

I want a member of my friends or family to read out a letter that I wrote to share with everyone at the end of my party and this shall be my way of saying “thank you for being a part of my life”.

I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in Hong Kong, my birth place. I shall be able to join my big brother doing what we love to do as children.

Now that I have written out my plan for my funeral, death to me, no longer feels scary and frightening! Thank you Susan Jefffers.

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There are times when we are required to push our body beyond it’s maximum limit. I had such an experience from Thursday up to yesterday at work. I had a total of 45 departs to deal with which was most demanding due to a number of ongoing unresolved issues at work. These issues were very time consuming and so stressful which are having a huge impact on our overall health.

I learned a few things over the weekend about how we, as a team can unite and help each other to work efficiently,  save time and reduce unnecessary stress.

Our incompetent manager and supervisor are not helping us the way we need them to so we need to help ourselves and find solutions to our issues that has been ongoing for too long now.

By working as a team and staying in touch with each other about issues, problems and finding solutions, we would cut our time at work by at least 30 minutes on weekends and possibly 15 minutes on weekdays.

The four consecutive days at work has been the most physically demanding I endured since I began my job as a housekeeper. Saturdays and Sundays are full of issues as we are used to by now. Yet, nobody are working to find solutions. They merely moan, rant and rave about them. That’s futile. It gets us nowhere. It creates too much stress. I am going to be smarter than that and work with my team to create solutions. We are responsible for how our work issues are dealt with. The main issue is taking the responsibility to stand up and speak up about issues and finding solutions. Our manager and supervisor are clearly not capable of doing this for us so therefore we are responsible to take action and find for solutions.

When was last time you had an urgent or important task to complete, yet your negative emotions held you back? We have all been in such circumstances I believe. That feeling of “Oh I just don’t feel like it today or I am feeling down so let’s do it tomorrow” and we are then behind with our tasks. This becomes a habit and what happens next? Our poor habit takes over our self discipline and we get sucked into the “I’ll do it when I am feeling better”  way of thinking.

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I get pms symptoms for seven days per month which depletes my energy, creates many negative emotions, gives me headaches, backache, muscle pain, increased sleepiness, increased low moods, clouds my logic and I become the most emotional woman on earth where any wise person would know to run a mile when they know I am pms-ing! It is no fun at all when I am dealing with and handling all  of the pms symptoms, every month and needing to suck it up, pull myself together and just get on with it! Some days I want to scream and kick someone in the balls! Other days I feel like staying in bed and binge watch one movie after another. There are days when I want to binge on chocolates and unhealthy snacks to satisfy my pms cravings. I have seen days where I want to pick a fight with my sweetheart merely to get his full attention. On a good day, I shall get on with the tasks that needs my attention, then feel the tiredness, sleepiness and whatever else is taking control of my tired body and retreat to bed for a nap. On a bad day, I want to be on own, have no interest for anything happening around me and couldn’t care if I had food to eat because I feel so sleepy and tired I find getting out of bed would be like running a marathon for my body.

From many trials and errors as I am learning how to control my negative emotions each month to complete my urgent and important tasks, I have established a few vital facts about my body and mind. I like to track everything I do from what I eat each day to what affects my energy levels, I learned that what I do each day with my body has a huge impact on my overall health and well being. Staying active, on the go and getting off my “perky butt” as my sweetheart would say, has been a huge benefit to getting tasks completed. It is the power of habit. We are creatures of habit, poor or rich, good or bad, productive or not, we are the biggest creatures of habit. I do have good habits in place yet they disappear as quick as a flash as soon as pms is with me. It is like when a cat sees a dog!

Staying active, on the go and off my perky butt is no problem whatsoever on my none pms days as I am an active person by nature. Yet, as soon as pms arrives, I am hit with a huge wave of “let’s just stay in bed” syndrome. No, it is not laziness. It is real and it is a pain in the butt!  People who do not understand the impact pms has on women’s energy levels have no idea what we are enduring each month. I would love to make pms disappear for good because I sure can live without it, after living with it since I first got my monthly period. I would love to divorce it with the help of my lawyer!  Sign the papers? No problem. I shall be celebrating with anyone who wants a wild party to remember!  Let’s bring it on girls and boys! 

On the seriousness of taking control of my negative emotions to getting my urgent and important tasks ticked off……..

I learned to focus on the end result. Last night was a great opportunity for me to put into practice what I had learned about controlling my negative emotions. I had taken a nap after coming home from work, eating my snack and taking a shower. I had a huge headache and felt so sleepy and tired. I got woken up by youngest son Calvin’s noise and decided to stay in bed for a few hours. Then the dreaded thought of having to do this and that creeped into mind. Ohhhhh dear says my head. I got to do this and that? How? I have no energy, I got this huge headache, I got my period, bla bla bla! The excuses were becoming as long as the Great Wall of China!  “Shut up and just get on with it, I need these tasks done or else I am going to suffer the consequences”!   That, is how I control my negative emotions during challenging times. I have a firm talk with my negative emotions and make sure they listen to me. The dishes were washed, rinsed and put away. Our kitchen was tidied. The rubbish emptied. The tasks that needed my attention today were written on my “To Do List”.  I washed and dried my hair. I wrote in my journal. Phewwwwww!  What a huge sense of achievement and satisfaction!  I was rewarded with a clean and tidy kitchen this morning to make our breakfast in. Yes! Yes! Yes! Triumphant! Woo Hoo!

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I am becoming a master of my negative emotions!  Win! Win!

Well done me! 

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Walking my youngest son Calvin to catch his bus to school on Tuesday morning, we were shocked to see flowers placed on a fence up ahead of us. That only means one thing and one thing only. Someone had died there. Finding out that it was a five year old boy from talking to passers by and my heart ached for his parents and family. The young boy named Lennon had only just started primary school a few weeks ago and had his full life ahead of him. Yet his life came to a very sudden and tragic end when he was knocked down by a large van and died from his injuries. I was so emotional and felt immense emotional pain and cried for what his family is going through at this tremendously painful time.

I told my boyfriend this and he felt very sad too. He acknowledged my feelings and told me to allow all of them to come through as they are merely visiting. I had a good cry and felt lighter. However, my sleep has been disturbed since. I have had thoughts of how sad, painful and difficult it is for Lennon’s parents to be living without their handsome little boy. No more school runs my head kept thinking. No more fun with Lennon and no more hearing his laughter. His parents will never get the chance to see their little boy grow up and reach his milestones like I did with my three sons. How cruel? How cruel to have Lennon taken away from them in such tragic circumstances. Lennon died doing what he loved doing. Picking up stones and learning about them. He was knocked down whilst he was bending down to pick up stones and the driver of the van knocked him down. He had let go of his dad’s hand to do what he loved doing. His dad is feeling very guilty for letting his handsome boy let go of his hand. He is haunted by the image of his little boy being hit by the driver and he is having to live with that for the rest of his life. I think that is ever so cruel for a father to experience. I think this is going to leave a huge hole in Lennon’s parents lives and could possibly destroy their relationship with each other from a psychological point of view. Men have been told not to show their emotions nor do they talk about them as in society it is deemed a weakness. This creates so much disease and sicknesses which is all avoidable. Burying emotions and stuffing them down merely creates space for them to come up in more uglier ways later on.

I can relate to the pain that Lennon’s parents are going through from the sudden death of my dearest big brother in November 2013. Losing my one and only lifetime companion to such a sudden death had shocked me and left my life so empty, I found it so dark and bleak. My big brother died at the age of 42. Too young to die yet nowhere near Lennon’s age. My world had collapsed and I lost a huge part of myself that took me over 2 years to find again.

I found out from reading the news that Lennon’s family had set up a fund to raise money for Lennon’s funeral and other costs so I donated some money to it since I have got my independence back from getting a job after the sudden death of my big brother. Helping others in need gives me a huge sense of happiness. I felt happiness oozing from within. A simple act of kindness from the heart is ever so powerful.

As I was walking Calvin to the bus stop yesterday, I felt that heart aching pain come through again It was getting more intense and deep as we walked past where Lennon was knocked down. It triggered the pain of losing my big brother and I knew I could do something simple to lift myself up. I decided that I would grab a coffee before I started work and enjoy it. I saw a homeless man kneeling on the street just outside of the coffee shop. I decided to buy him a coffee too and that’s what I did. I also gave him some money to brighten up his day. I immediately felt a huge sensation rush through my body. The sensation of joy and happiness. I felt grateful that I could give someone something as simple as a cup of coffee and some money to cheer them up. I felt energetic for the rest of the day and that was well worth my effort.

I walked past the scene of Lennon’s tragic death today and I still felt pain and heartache yet this time, I felt a sort of lightness that came through. A lightness that allowed me to feel the pain of Lennon’s passing yet I felt I had acknowledged all of my raw emotions and moved into the transformation of inner peace. I felt more at ease walking past the scene today. Calvin asked me to buy some flowers and place them with the other flowers for Lennon and that’s what we did this afternoon, after he finished school. We stayed for a while afterwards to read all the messages the local residents had left behind for Lennon and his family. I was amazed at all the flowers, cards, messages and candles that are now surrounded the fence. Photos of Lennon have also been place there and a number of balloons are hanging from the fence. A man who drove by asked me when this tragic incident happened and he was showing his own sadness for such a young boy’s tragic death. On the pavement a message was written in white “We will not forget you wee man” or something to that effect!

I saw a bucket at our local shop to collect money for Lennon’s family. The spirit of our local community at a time when Lennon’s family needs it the most is so amazing. We truly are the most helpful and kind people around. I am so proud to be a part of Glasgow and it brightens up my day. Sadly, a close member of Lennon’s family had past away last month and now they are hit with the tragic news of Lennon’s passing. What a dark moment it is for Lennon’s family? They need all the support they can get and they deserve it all.

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I love my big brother’s smiles!

Dear big brother

It has been a rather fruitful year so far for me. Overwhelming yet very fruitful as I am truly, totally and absolutely focused on achieving my goals. No drama, no toxic relationships and no negativity to distract me as I have put up clear boundaries to focus on what I want from life.

Your sudden passing back in November 2013,  was the most challenging, heartbreaking and soul searching thing I have ever experienced. I lost such a gargantuan part of myself yet it was a good lesson for me. I learned to grieve for the very first time in my life. I allowed myself to feel weak, fragile and vulnerable and I was quite alright with it. I cried buckets here, there and everywhere. I would cry whilst on my journey to and from, mainly on a bus, as a memory or thought triggered losing you and the intense pain came flooding through my body. I miss your presence each day yet the pain of your passing has become easier to live with.

Thankfully, I had made friends with some amazingly caring people on the internet to help me through the darkest days of your passing. They were there for me each and everyday, lifting me up and being there for me to support me through the grieving process. I met my sweetheart three months after your sudden passing and he helped me to realise that my inner child was feeling very angry at your sudden departure, without any good byes, she felt abandoned, neglected and forgotten. That revelation was such a deep insight for me. I felt so much happier and lighter from there.

My sweetheart has been holding my hand and supporting me through the grieving process. He listened to my struggles. He acknowledged my intense pain and told me to let out all of the raw and intense pain. I had one on one counselling in the first year of your passing to help me get through the most painful experience of my life. To have someone listen to me, without judgement and criticism was what I needed to help me heal the pain that was left dangling around.

I made a very wise choice last year of only surrounding myself with people who support and lift me up. I keep a clear distance from any toxicity, negativity and drama addicts as they drain my positive energy and distract me from working on and achieving my goals. It can be really lonely at times yet that is the sacrifice in order to get to the top!

I had a number of group therapy sessions with Rebecca, a therapist from Sydney, that Vincent had put me in touch with at the beginning of this year. She worked with me for what was very insightful and valuable to my recovery and healing. We also worked through some of my emotional pain from my past with our parents, ex husband and his family. I felt so much lighter after each session and learned to let go of the negative emotions that was hanging around inside of me. My life was beginning to look so much brighter from there on.

I set myself some great big goals to work towards this year. No longer having toxic relationships has been the best thing to help me focus on achieving my goals. Each month this year has been a huge breakthrough as I step out of my comfort zone and embrace fears to get my hands on my big goals. Having fun each day with my sweetheart has helped me to feel happy and joyful. Our happiness also helps me to remain in a positive frame of mind. That positive mental attitude which I have acquired is oozing from all over me! Nothing is too much bother. I am solution orientated and my consistent five years of personal development is paying off each and everyday.

I have made so much progress this year and I want to share them all with you. Joining Toastmasters in February was the biggest step forward for me this year. I threw myself into the weekly meetings, taking on different roles within each meeting and making consistent progress to get my career vision fulfilled. I have so much fun on that stage which has my name on it! Hehe  I own that stage and I am so confident delivering any sort of speech.   I have been a Toastmasters for many years as some guests have expressed to me. Hehe  I have delivered three prepared speeches and working on my humourous speech to be delivered for our contest in less than two weeks time. My other big goal is to win the public speech contest at Toastmasters which is held in America.

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I finally got a job, working as a housekeeper at Travelodge and got my independence back. I also have a small housekeeping job, three hours every week which I stumbled across whilst job searching online. The extra money has been a bonus especially to fund my Hong Kong spending next month. I was feeling anxious at the beginning of settling into a new job which affected my sleep. It took me less than three weeks to get through the anxiety and my personal development helped me through the emotions.

This new job has been very physically demanding yet I am settled now and embracing all the challenges it brings my way. Nothing is too much for me from my personal development. Nothing is too much trouble or bother. I use my positive mental attitude and focus on solutions to get me through the challenges. I have our crazy mother to thank for because she taught me to always be hardworking and never be lazy or idle. She is my biggest inspiration and motivation.

I have no intention of staying in this job due to the toxic manager who is managing us like we are kids. I shut off from listening to her fault finding which is ever so toxic.

I attended The first Key Conference at the Secc on Sunday and the speakers were totally amazing. I visualised myself on such a huge stage, delivering my speeches, confidently and with much enthusiasm. I felt your presence that day because you had completed your Key weekend course with Christine McGrory. On the note of feeling your presence, I was heading home one night recently from Toastmasters on the bus. I was due to get off in a few stops when I saw a man who walked on, just like the way you walked and he was the shape of you. I was immediately thinking of you and felt your presence. I felt safe there and then, knowing that you are with me, protecting me just like a big brother does for his little sister.

Life is so good for me now and I so want you to be here with me and us to share all the good times. Yet, you were taken away from us so suddenly. I know you would be so happy and proud of me and my three sons. I know you would have such a humongous smile on your face to see how much progress we have all made and continue to make. I bet you would be talking non stop when you meet Vincent, my sweetheart. He is the best listener so you can talk to him until the cows come home! Haha  I would love you to meet his family who are all very kind and giving. I am certain that they would all make you feel important as they did with Calvin and me when we flew back to Hong Kong last year.

I am flying back again with Calvin next month to celebrate Vincent’s mum’s birthday with her and to do other things that I long to do. Oh how I would love you to join us and visit our birthplace together. You could take me to our primary school and see the new building. We would have so much fun together, reminiscing the good old times of our early childhood. Meeting up with our cousins would be a blast too!  I bet you would talk so much with them all and have loads of fun, creating many happy memories that would stay with us all forever. Mum, Tony and Ailun are also flying back to Hong Kong next month. It is going to be a very memorable family occasion. I feel very sad that you are no longer here though, because we would have many opportunities to create joyful memories together, in our birthplace.

Calvin has fallen in love with planes and flying since I took him to Sydney and Hong Kong last year. He has picked up the travel bug and long to fly again! He made good friends with Vincent’s youngest sister’s son and a girl who is the daughter of Vincent’s younger brother’s partner. They got on like a house on fire even though there was a language barrier due to Calvin’s limited spoken Cantonese. I was so proud of him for flying six flights, was sick twice from Dubai to Hong Kong and was still eager to fly again this year. How amazing is your youngest nephew eh?  I bet you are so proud of his progress. He misses you so much and talks about the silly and funny things you said, very randomly.

Calvin is now a very independent young man just as you had wished for when you sang to him, holding him as he was a newborn and wanting the best for him. He has been learning new skills at Tony’s shop every Saturday and earning some spending money for his Hong Kong holiday. Mum has been praising him every week and she tells us how hardworking and reliable he is. Calvin is now going to and from school on his own as I want him to be more independent.

Colin flew to Munich on Wednesday to check out his student accommodation for his fourth year of university. He flies home on Sunday then he shall fly back to Munich for a year of studying at the end of this month. He had a summer job and was more disciplined. He was also more active, doing weightlifting exercises and taking Calvin swimming. It was a great opportunity for them to bond.

Cory bought a new car in July and he’s so happy with it. It is his pride and joy!  He has a better bond with Calvin since they are together every Saturday at Tony’s shop. Calvin was treated to a meal on Monday when Cory picked him up from school. They went to Braehead and I asked Cory to take Calvin to shop for a new pair of trainers as I was working. Cory asks Calvin to do things for him and that’s a great way to teach Calvin to have some responsibilities. Cory spoiled Calvin when he bought him a new iPad Air for his birthday.

Vincent is flying over in less than two weeks time to spend a fortnight here with us then we are flying to Hong Kong together and staying for two weeks. I am becoming a jet setter! Hehe  I made a vision board with my family on it because I wanted to fly to Hong Kong with them and it is being fulfilled. Woo Hoo!  I am as happy as Larry!

Dad has been through some amazing transformation ever since he came home from Vegas last year. He threw out the living room furniture and has been so different in so many ways. I guess he has been reflecting after a holiday abroad. It is a great bonus for us all.

Mum is still as crazy and carefree as ever. She’s the best mum ever and spoils everyone because she’s the caretaker. Now that Tony is married, I bet she is happier than Larry!  Next, is to be a grandma again to Tony’s kids! Hehe   I saw mum whilst I was heading home from Toastmasters on Tuesday evening and we got talking about you. Our parents never talk about you unlike me and that is so sad. I keep you alive by talking about you with Vincent mostly and some friends who understand my pain of losing you.

Tony got married in October last year is Vegas. Mum, dad, Cory and Colin flew over for the special occasion. I stayed home with Calvin because I had no money to fund the trip plus Calvin had school. Dad has been left with a negative feeling of flying, after their flight home was severely delayed due to unforeseen circumstances.

We are all making great progress now and I wish you were here with us to see it and feel happy for us. I know you are so much happier where you are. No more pain or suffering for you. You have the freedom to do whatever you want and you are as free as a bird!

Soar big brother! Soar!

 

 

 

Life has a wonderful way of offering surprises to us when we are open to them. As I was heading out to meet a dear old friend from Chinese school on Monday, I had a very random thought about my big brother come through and I felt it was rather odd. It was a Monday, it was not the 19th, the date that he passed away. I had no triggers to set me off emotionally. I wondered with curiosity why I had this rather random thought come through. I received my answer that evening just before I was about to hit my pillow.

I received an email from Toastmasters, asking me if I am ready to deliver my third prepared speech the following evening, as a member had cancelled their scheduled slot. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and felt so excited! This was the second time that I had taken this sort of opportunity from Toastmasters. My original speech slot was scheduled for two weeks time. I thought to myself, “woo hoo, I am going to achieve my goal earlier than planned so let’s go for it Kit”!

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I had little practice for this third speech and knew without a doubt that I would need to use flashcards to deliver my speech. I had planned on getting an A4 sized photo of my big brother as a visual aid yet I had no time now. I used two small photographs of big brother instead and planned to have them passed around the audience. I knew that this would distract their attention from my speech yet it was no problem.  I knew some of my fellow Toastmasters would pick up on these two “areas for improvement” for this speech. Yet why focus on what the issues are when they are not important to me? My goal was to deliver the speech with or without flashcards and to complete this third speech.

Tuesday morning came with so much excitement even though I was feeling exhausted from a disturbed sleep and pms. Work was very challenging that day as I had stripped and made thirteen beds plus completing a number of other tasks. By the end of my shift at work, I was ready for a sleep!

I came home to get into the shower to revitalise myself and washed my hair. After drying my hair, I rested in bed for 45 minutes to recharge.  I then prepared my flashcard, grabbed a quick dinner and practiced my speech TWICE!

Now it was time to head into my Toastmasters meeting to rock the stage because it has my name on it!

I stayed calm and collected during my journey on the bus as I listened to meditation music.

I took my seat at the front left row at Toastmasters next to Pip. I felt my mouth was dry as the room was rather stuffy.

My speech was scheduled to be delivered after an Icebreaker speech by Pip. After Pip’s speech I was feeling the nerves getting the better of me so I used my deep breathing to remain calm.  I closed my eyes to centre myself and used affirmations to set me up for confidence.

That stage was mine for the next seven minutes after our Toastmaster for the evening,  Neil, introduced me to the floor.

I thoroughly enjoy my presence on stage at Toastmasters and I always get feedback from my Toastmasters who tell me that I am very confident on stage.

The next seven minutes had me flowing rather well with my speech. I did feel nervous at some point which is understandable and I used all the techniques I knew to stay calm and confident.

All eyes were on me and my audience looked rather emotional and shocked at times from my personal story about losing my big brother to a very sudden death. They were engrossed and I certainly had them engaged with my stage presence. The use of flashcards did not distract me from keeping eye contact with my audience even though the objective of this speech was to strive to speak without notes.

I was feeling very comfortable with using my flashcards and had no care in the world what my audience thought. My goal was to deliver this speech and engage my audience. I achieved my objectives and rocked the stage. I felt so much lighter after talking about my emotions on such a major life experience. It felt like I was in group therapy!  It was essential and vital for my recovery and healing as suggested by my therapist Rebecca. I am ever so grateful for her sound advice.

The feedback I received from each of my fellow Toastmasters was so encouraging, supportive and inspiring. One particular member wrote in his written evaluation of my speech as “a very engaging speech with strong and valuable message for the audience. It is because of speeches like this that I come to Toastmasters. Well done”!

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There is always  areas for improvement in everything we do yet focusing on perfection is off balance to what we want to achieve.

Focus on the goals and objectives. Perfection to me robs us of achieving our goals.

 

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A very happy second anniversary to our two year long distance relationship! We truly deserve a gold medal for getting through all this ups and downs, all the challenges and all the barriers!

What does it take  to make a long distance relationship work? Some people don’t believe that a long distance relationship shall last. My opinion on that is, they merely lack what it takes to make it work. They lack the skills to get what they want. Maybe they are, like the majority of people have no idea as to what it is that they want from their ideal partner.

After reading Jack Canfield’s book The Key to Living The Law of Attraction back in 2012 and then Allan and Barbara Pease’s book Why Men want Sex and Women Need Love,  I wrote down for the first time in my life, what I wanted from life. I wrote my bucket list in 2012. I wrote down on a scrap piece of paper what I wanted from my ideal partner.  Without too much thought on this subject, I missed out on a very important detail. Where did I want my ideal partner to live when I attracted him into my life?

Maybe that was a blessing in disguise. Or maybe the universe was delivering to me, what I  had asked for about “Seeing Sydney’s famous landmarks” as I attracted my ideal partner in February 2014 and he lived in Sydney. Was it a coincidence that I attracted an Aussie living in Sydney?

It was to be my huge bonus. Why?

I got the opportunity of a lifetime to “See Sydney’s famous landmarks” in June last year and to spend quality bonding time with my sweetheart for more than three weeks which strengthened our relationship. We then flew to Hong Kong to meet his family and my extended family.

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Our first year together was filled with so much fun, banter, craziness and that created a solid foundation for our long distance relationship – LDR. It is vital to have fun each day in order to bring out the best in each other. Seriousness brings serious circumstances. Without having fun, a relationship dies a slow and painful death.

After my sweetheart flew back home from his first visit to Glasgow, Scotland to meet me face to face for the first time and to spend two weeks with me and my sons, we had no idea when we would be getting together again. That was very tough on both of us and our relationship. Yet we were more than capable of riding with it and getting through the next eleven months of uncertainty has helped us to grow our love for each other. Distance was no problem because we have the technology of the internet to keep in touch as well as our smartphones which has been vital to having the fun that we both know is vital to maintaining our strong foundation.

To date, we have had ten weeks together physically which is a lot less than what other couples get. Yet, this works for us because we are strong and positive. We cherish the time we get to talk through a screen each day. There are times when we are unable to see each other through our screens to chat,  due to other commitments and our different time zones. Yet, we have never allowed these small things to create a distance between us.

Communication is vital to any relationship yet it is effective communication that gets us what we want. How long a relationship lasts is determined as to how a couple communicates with each other. It is said that those couples who commuicate effectively with each other are less likely to scream and fight where they create a distance between them.

Our relationship has it’s fair share of ups and downs like any relationship yet we talk and listen to each other with the intent to understand the other person’s viewpoint. We acknowledge and validate each other’s emotions which is vital to creating intimacy. We feel safe to reveal our vulnerabilities, weaknesses, flaws and imperfections in the presence of each other. We take time out when we feel our emotions are aroused and heightened where our logical thinking is out of the window. After a time of allowing our negative emotions to come through and settle, we then sit down and talk with each other with the intent to understand each other’s opinion. We also talk about what triggers we had, what emotions we had and get to know each other on an emotional level. Many couples neglect this important process in their relationships because they never saw their parents do it. Instead, they are creating intensity which is destructive.

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Other vital ingredients to our LDR are: positive mental attitude, solution minded, teamwork, support, understanding, agreeing to disagree, giving each other space to do our own things, sharing the good and the bad, creating time for us, showing gratitude for what each other does for our relationship, sending surprises to each other, creating mush and intimacy through words, pictures and other internet means and the most important is our own self worth.

We are only capable of loving each other when we know how to love ourselves, warts and all. We love each other’s imperfections, weaknesses and flaws.

We compliment each other’s weaknesses and that’s what makes our relationship work when we are physically together.

As we enter our third year together, we are still getting to know each other, because there are many different versions of us that needs to be explored and discovered.

Our love for each other has grown deeper each day from the past twelve months of intimacy.

Our relationship is nowhere near perfect, yet it is a love story that we are proud to share with the world and shout out “we make it work each day because we cherish each other!”