Archives for the month of: September, 2016

candle

Walking my youngest son Calvin to catch his bus to school on Tuesday morning, we were shocked to see flowers placed on a fence up ahead of us. That only means one thing and one thing only. Someone had died there. Finding out that it was a five year old boy from talking to passers by and my heart ached for his parents and family. The young boy named Lennon had only just started primary school a few weeks ago and had his full life ahead of him. Yet his life came to a very sudden and tragic end when he was knocked down by a large van and died from his injuries. I was so emotional and felt immense emotional pain and cried for what his family is going through at this tremendously painful time.

I told my boyfriend this and he felt very sad too. He acknowledged my feelings and told me to allow all of them to come through as they are merely visiting. I had a good cry and felt lighter. However, my sleep has been disturbed since. I have had thoughts of how sad, painful and difficult it is for Lennon’s parents to be living without their handsome little boy. No more school runs my head kept thinking. No more fun with Lennon and no more hearing his laughter. His parents will never get the chance to see their little boy grow up and reach his milestones like I did with my three sons. How cruel? How cruel to have Lennon taken away from them in such tragic circumstances. Lennon died doing what he loved doing. Picking up stones and learning about them. He was knocked down whilst he was bending down to pick up stones and the driver of the van knocked him down. He had let go of his dad’s hand to do what he loved doing. His dad is feeling very guilty for letting his handsome boy let go of his hand. He is haunted by the image of his little boy being hit by the driver and he is having to live with that for the rest of his life. I think that is ever so cruel for a father to experience. I think this is going to leave a huge hole in Lennon’s parents lives and could possibly destroy their relationship with each other from a psychological point of view. Men have been told not to show their emotions nor do they talk about them as in society it is deemed a weakness. This creates so much disease and sicknesses which is all avoidable. Burying emotions and stuffing them down merely creates space for them to come up in more uglier ways later on.

I can relate to the pain that Lennon’s parents are going through from the sudden death of my dearest big brother in November 2013. Losing my one and only lifetime companion to such a sudden death had shocked me and left my life so empty, I found it so dark and bleak. My big brother died at the age of 42. Too young to die yet nowhere near Lennon’s age. My world had collapsed and I lost a huge part of myself that took me over 2 years to find again.

I found out from reading the news that Lennon’s family had set up a fund to raise money for Lennon’s funeral and other costs so I donated some money to it since I have got my independence back from getting a job after the sudden death of my big brother. Helping others in need gives me a huge sense of happiness. I felt happiness oozing from within. A simple act of kindness from the heart is ever so powerful.

As I was walking Calvin to the bus stop yesterday, I felt that heart aching pain come through again It was getting more intense and deep as we walked past where Lennon was knocked down. It triggered the pain of losing my big brother and I knew I could do something simple to lift myself up. I decided that I would grab a coffee before I started work and enjoy it. I saw a homeless man kneeling on the street just outside of the coffee shop. I decided to buy him a coffee too and that’s what I did. I also gave him some money to brighten up his day. I immediately felt a huge sensation rush through my body. The sensation of joy and happiness. I felt grateful that I could give someone something as simple as a cup of coffee and some money to cheer them up. I felt energetic for the rest of the day and that was well worth my effort.

I walked past the scene of Lennon’s tragic death today and I still felt pain and heartache yet this time, I felt a sort of lightness that came through. A lightness that allowed me to feel the pain of Lennon’s passing yet I felt I had acknowledged all of my raw emotions and moved into the transformation of inner peace. I felt more at ease walking past the scene today. Calvin asked me to buy some flowers and place them with the other flowers for Lennon and that’s what we did this afternoon, after he finished school. We stayed for a while afterwards to read all the messages the local residents had left behind for Lennon and his family. I was amazed at all the flowers, cards, messages and candles that are now surrounded the fence. Photos of Lennon have also been place there and a number of balloons are hanging from the fence. A man who drove by asked me when this tragic incident happened and he was showing his own sadness for such a young boy’s tragic death. On the pavement a message was written in white “We will not forget you wee man” or something to that effect!

I saw a bucket at our local shop to collect money for Lennon’s family. The spirit of our local community at a time when Lennon’s family needs it the most is so amazing. We truly are the most helpful and kind people around. I am so proud to be a part of Glasgow and it brightens up my day. Sadly, a close member of Lennon’s family had past away last month and now they are hit with the tragic news of Lennon’s passing. What a dark moment it is for Lennon’s family? They need all the support they can get and they deserve it all.

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I love my big brother’s smiles!

Dear big brother

It has been a rather fruitful year so far for me. Overwhelming yet very fruitful as I am truly, totally and absolutely focused on achieving my goals. No drama, no toxic relationships and no negativity to distract me as I have put up clear boundaries to focus on what I want from life.

Your sudden passing back in November 2013,  was the most challenging, heartbreaking and soul searching thing I have ever experienced. I lost such a gargantuan part of myself yet it was a good lesson for me. I learned to grieve for the very first time in my life. I allowed myself to feel weak, fragile and vulnerable and I was quite alright with it. I cried buckets here, there and everywhere. I would cry whilst on my journey to and from, mainly on a bus, as a memory or thought triggered losing you and the intense pain came flooding through my body. I miss your presence each day yet the pain of your passing has become easier to live with.

Thankfully, I had made friends with some amazingly caring people on the internet to help me through the darkest days of your passing. They were there for me each and everyday, lifting me up and being there for me to support me through the grieving process. I met my sweetheart three months after your sudden passing and he helped me to realise that my inner child was feeling very angry at your sudden departure, without any good byes, she felt abandoned, neglected and forgotten. That revelation was such a deep insight for me. I felt so much happier and lighter from there.

My sweetheart has been holding my hand and supporting me through the grieving process. He listened to my struggles. He acknowledged my intense pain and told me to let out all of the raw and intense pain. I had one on one counselling in the first year of your passing to help me get through the most painful experience of my life. To have someone listen to me, without judgement and criticism was what I needed to help me heal the pain that was left dangling around.

I made a very wise choice last year of only surrounding myself with people who support and lift me up. I keep a clear distance from any toxicity, negativity and drama addicts as they drain my positive energy and distract me from working on and achieving my goals. It can be really lonely at times yet that is the sacrifice in order to get to the top!

I had a number of group therapy sessions with Rebecca, a therapist from Sydney, that Vincent had put me in touch with at the beginning of this year. She worked with me for what was very insightful and valuable to my recovery and healing. We also worked through some of my emotional pain from my past with our parents, ex husband and his family. I felt so much lighter after each session and learned to let go of the negative emotions that was hanging around inside of me. My life was beginning to look so much brighter from there on.

I set myself some great big goals to work towards this year. No longer having toxic relationships has been the best thing to help me focus on achieving my goals. Each month this year has been a huge breakthrough as I step out of my comfort zone and embrace fears to get my hands on my big goals. Having fun each day with my sweetheart has helped me to feel happy and joyful. Our happiness also helps me to remain in a positive frame of mind. That positive mental attitude which I have acquired is oozing from all over me! Nothing is too much bother. I am solution orientated and my consistent five years of personal development is paying off each and everyday.

I have made so much progress this year and I want to share them all with you. Joining Toastmasters in February was the biggest step forward for me this year. I threw myself into the weekly meetings, taking on different roles within each meeting and making consistent progress to get my career vision fulfilled. I have so much fun on that stage which has my name on it! Hehe  I own that stage and I am so confident delivering any sort of speech.   I have been a Toastmasters for many years as some guests have expressed to me. Hehe  I have delivered three prepared speeches and working on my humourous speech to be delivered for our contest in less than two weeks time. My other big goal is to win the public speech contest at Toastmasters which is held in America.

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I finally got a job, working as a housekeeper at Travelodge and got my independence back. I also have a small housekeeping job, three hours every week which I stumbled across whilst job searching online. The extra money has been a bonus especially to fund my Hong Kong spending next month. I was feeling anxious at the beginning of settling into a new job which affected my sleep. It took me less than three weeks to get through the anxiety and my personal development helped me through the emotions.

This new job has been very physically demanding yet I am settled now and embracing all the challenges it brings my way. Nothing is too much for me from my personal development. Nothing is too much trouble or bother. I use my positive mental attitude and focus on solutions to get me through the challenges. I have our crazy mother to thank for because she taught me to always be hardworking and never be lazy or idle. She is my biggest inspiration and motivation.

I have no intention of staying in this job due to the toxic manager who is managing us like we are kids. I shut off from listening to her fault finding which is ever so toxic.

I attended The first Key Conference at the Secc on Sunday and the speakers were totally amazing. I visualised myself on such a huge stage, delivering my speeches, confidently and with much enthusiasm. I felt your presence that day because you had completed your Key weekend course with Christine McGrory. On the note of feeling your presence, I was heading home one night recently from Toastmasters on the bus. I was due to get off in a few stops when I saw a man who walked on, just like the way you walked and he was the shape of you. I was immediately thinking of you and felt your presence. I felt safe there and then, knowing that you are with me, protecting me just like a big brother does for his little sister.

Life is so good for me now and I so want you to be here with me and us to share all the good times. Yet, you were taken away from us so suddenly. I know you would be so happy and proud of me and my three sons. I know you would have such a humongous smile on your face to see how much progress we have all made and continue to make. I bet you would be talking non stop when you meet Vincent, my sweetheart. He is the best listener so you can talk to him until the cows come home! Haha  I would love you to meet his family who are all very kind and giving. I am certain that they would all make you feel important as they did with Calvin and me when we flew back to Hong Kong last year.

I am flying back again with Calvin next month to celebrate Vincent’s mum’s birthday with her and to do other things that I long to do. Oh how I would love you to join us and visit our birthplace together. You could take me to our primary school and see the new building. We would have so much fun together, reminiscing the good old times of our early childhood. Meeting up with our cousins would be a blast too!  I bet you would talk so much with them all and have loads of fun, creating many happy memories that would stay with us all forever. Mum, Tony and Ailun are also flying back to Hong Kong next month. It is going to be a very memorable family occasion. I feel very sad that you are no longer here though, because we would have many opportunities to create joyful memories together, in our birthplace.

Calvin has fallen in love with planes and flying since I took him to Sydney and Hong Kong last year. He has picked up the travel bug and long to fly again! He made good friends with Vincent’s youngest sister’s son and a girl who is the daughter of Vincent’s younger brother’s partner. They got on like a house on fire even though there was a language barrier due to Calvin’s limited spoken Cantonese. I was so proud of him for flying six flights, was sick twice from Dubai to Hong Kong and was still eager to fly again this year. How amazing is your youngest nephew eh?  I bet you are so proud of his progress. He misses you so much and talks about the silly and funny things you said, very randomly.

Calvin is now a very independent young man just as you had wished for when you sang to him, holding him as he was a newborn and wanting the best for him. He has been learning new skills at Tony’s shop every Saturday and earning some spending money for his Hong Kong holiday. Mum has been praising him every week and she tells us how hardworking and reliable he is. Calvin is now going to and from school on his own as I want him to be more independent.

Colin flew to Munich on Wednesday to check out his student accommodation for his fourth year of university. He flies home on Sunday then he shall fly back to Munich for a year of studying at the end of this month. He had a summer job and was more disciplined. He was also more active, doing weightlifting exercises and taking Calvin swimming. It was a great opportunity for them to bond.

Cory bought a new car in July and he’s so happy with it. It is his pride and joy!  He has a better bond with Calvin since they are together every Saturday at Tony’s shop. Calvin was treated to a meal on Monday when Cory picked him up from school. They went to Braehead and I asked Cory to take Calvin to shop for a new pair of trainers as I was working. Cory asks Calvin to do things for him and that’s a great way to teach Calvin to have some responsibilities. Cory spoiled Calvin when he bought him a new iPad Air for his birthday.

Vincent is flying over in less than two weeks time to spend a fortnight here with us then we are flying to Hong Kong together and staying for two weeks. I am becoming a jet setter! Hehe  I made a vision board with my family on it because I wanted to fly to Hong Kong with them and it is being fulfilled. Woo Hoo!  I am as happy as Larry!

Dad has been through some amazing transformation ever since he came home from Vegas last year. He threw out the living room furniture and has been so different in so many ways. I guess he has been reflecting after a holiday abroad. It is a great bonus for us all.

Mum is still as crazy and carefree as ever. She’s the best mum ever and spoils everyone because she’s the caretaker. Now that Tony is married, I bet she is happier than Larry!  Next, is to be a grandma again to Tony’s kids! Hehe   I saw mum whilst I was heading home from Toastmasters on Tuesday evening and we got talking about you. Our parents never talk about you unlike me and that is so sad. I keep you alive by talking about you with Vincent mostly and some friends who understand my pain of losing you.

Tony got married in October last year is Vegas. Mum, dad, Cory and Colin flew over for the special occasion. I stayed home with Calvin because I had no money to fund the trip plus Calvin had school. Dad has been left with a negative feeling of flying, after their flight home was severely delayed due to unforeseen circumstances.

We are all making great progress now and I wish you were here with us to see it and feel happy for us. I know you are so much happier where you are. No more pain or suffering for you. You have the freedom to do whatever you want and you are as free as a bird!

Soar big brother! Soar!