Summer 2019 update for my dearest big brother

Dear big brother

I am so sorry for keeping you waiting for my update. I have had such a productive year so far and I feel so fucking proud of all of my achievements this year!

At the beginning of the year, I started working with my website designer Stuart whom I got a recommendation from Facebook. He has helped me to create a logo for my business Facebook page. I have been consistently posting on the page as I want to build up my life coaching business, one step at a time. The logo took around three months to complete. It was many emails back and forth with Stuart. My patience was pushed to it’s limits! Hehe

As usual January and February are always a drag for us due to the long winter nights. March was so much welcomed. We have had a mild winter so we have been ever so fortunate.

In May I attended my third Toastmasters District 71 Conference. This was my best yet. why? I was much more comfortable talking to fellow Toastmasters who were from outside of my home club. I volunteered to step onto the big stage, talking about the benefits I have reaped from joining Toastmasters. The hundreds of faces staring back at me didn’t phase me one bit. I was at home on that big stage because I love being there and I feel alive whenever I speak in front of an audience. I got to hold a big black microphone which was thrilling!

June flew by and Calvin received his second high school award. Here it is!  I know you are proud of Calvin and smiling your big handsome smile saying “That’s my smartypants nephew Calvin alright!” Hehe

July and August was holiday fun time for Calvin, Vincent, Charles (Vincent’s nephew) and myself. Our flight was delayed on the tarmac at Glasgow Airport for an hour and a half. It was torture sitting on my ass without the freedom to go to take a piss! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

The great news this year was we had Emirates luxurious and spacious A380 come to Glasgow so we were in heaven with more space and more luxury.   Calvin and I were happier than Larry!

Our two weeks stay in Hong Kong was full of challenges. From the ongoing protests due to the now scrapped Extradition Bill to me getting inflammation of the bowels. I was left feeling absolutely exhausted and was in bed recovering for four days. Thankfully Vincent was very attentive to taking care of me. He was left with doing all the running around to get me more digestible food from his mum’s and buying me the necessities. We managed to take Calvin and Charles to my inner child’s favourite place, Ocean Park for a day of fun in the intense heat. It was physically demanding and challenging. I thoroughly enjoyed our cable car ride as always. The aerial view is simply the best!

I attended a Toastmasters meeting in Admiralty with the help of Vincent’s navigation. I would have struggled to find my way there without Vincent’s help. He’s my rock!

Vincent’s younger brother Ah Cheung’s wedding was a massive affair. It was exhausting being surrounded by his big family. I felt so claustrophobic when we were at his mum’s for the Chinese rituals which was tiresome and long winded.

The wedding reception was seventeen tables big, overlooking Victoria Harbour. The food was delicious when it was finally served almost after 9pm. I was about to die from starvation! It was torture!

Flying to Sydney was a huge struggle due to the fears from the protests in Hong Kong. We got stuck in traffic heading to the airport from Vincent’s mum’s.  Calvin was exceptionally scared and this put more stress onto me.

This has been a regular scene in Hong Kong since the protests began in June. I was glad to leave for Sydney when we did. Then something happened that shocked Hong Kong and it still shocks me. On the night of Sunday 21st July, the night we flew to Sydney, a group of men wearing white t-shirts holding sticks and batons, randomly attacked passengers in the Yuen Long MTR. When I settled in Sydney and saw this incident on the news, I was hurt and in intense pain for the Hong Kong people.

Our three weeks in Sydney was totally worth all the pain and fear. I achieved many goals and overcame many hurdles. Vincent was challenged by me about his exceptionally poor time management and I brought this up during a much needed family meeting. We had challenges with keeping Charles within the boundaries that was functional and healthy for all of us. He is such a super hyper extrovert, completely different to Calvin. I had no issues with getting along with Charles. Vincent struggled because he doesn’t have kids and had challenges bonding with Charles.

We had sunshine almost everyday in Sydney which meant one thing and one thing only. It was beach weather!

McDonald’s by the beach!

I finally climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge with Calvin and Charles. Vincent was too scared to do it! Chicken! Would you climb it with me?

Do you feel my happiness in this priceless photo? The safety procedures and equipment was well thought of due to the potential dangers of dropping anything onto the road below the bridge. We were not allowed to bring any personal belongings with us. My glassed were attached to my boiler suit with a sturdy strap. We were supplied with handkerchiefs attached to our boiler suits so they would not drop down onto the road. On our waist, we had a fleece attached to our boiler suit. It felt heavy and I looked like a worker cleaning windows high up in the sky! Haha

I had such a breathtaking time climbing the iconic bridge which left me in awe. The catwalk at the beginning was tight and claustrophobic for me. This was the most uncomfortable part of the climb. As soon as we were climbing up the steps going onto the bridge, it became so much easier.

It was nothing like hiking or going for a walk outdoors. It was most leisurely and slow. We stopped regularly to soak in the sun and sights. We got information from our guide about the specific history of each sight around the harbour. It was like a history lesson, only up high on the bridge.

Looking down onto the harbour and seeing the cruise ship being pulled out by a tiny boat was out of this world. We stood for around twenty minutes soaking up the sights when we reached the summit of the bridge.

We stopped three times to have our photos taken by our female guide who was friendly and chatty. We got the bonus of seeing the sun set because we were the last afternoon climbers. The sun disappeared at the blink of an eye and left me totally speechless. That’s not often! Haha

I saw Luna Park lit up in it’s glory when the sun set and it was stunning, beautiful and attractive. Before our descent, we stood for around ten to fifteen minutes to admire the early night sky. Looking down during the entire climb was exciting. I thought it would be scary and frightening to look down whilst climbing the bridge. How deceiving were my thoughts!

The descent was ten times faster than our climb because we didn’t stop. I was buzzing when we got our feet back onto the ground. I was super hyper and full of energy. I wanted to scream to the world that I had finally climbed Sydney Harbour Bridge to it’s summit!  When I told the locals that I had climbed the Harbour Bridge, they said I was crazy! My perspective on life has shifted so much since I climbed the Harbour Bridge and I finally ticked it off my bucket list! Woo Hoo! Well done me!

The rest of our stay in Sydney was fun, enjoyable and pleasant. I delivered a Toastmasters speech at Hurtsville. Vincent helped me to create slides and he operated my slides for me on the night because my clicker failed to work.

Vincent went back to work on the last Tuesday of our holiday. I took the boys to have lunch with him on Tuesday. It was great bonding time. Vincent took the last Thursday off to spend more time with us. We headed to Coogee Beach with the boys because that’s where they wanted to go. Calvin loves to dig sand at the beach whilst Charles does anything to keep himself entertained.

Our last Friday in Sydney was memorable for me because I got to meet Victoria, who is one of the only females at Vincent’s work. She was ever so chatty I could barely get a word in! Oh dear! I took Charles to Hyde Park for a walk before we went back to our Airbnb.  It took me less time than I thought to pack and I was surprised and shocked. We were almost at our limit for 60kg allowance and our carry on were also at their limit. We had bought lots of gifts and it drained our allowance. This is the most challenging part of packing.

I took the boys to Chinatown’s night market before we flew back to Hong Kong to drop Charles back home. Vincent met us at Chinatown. We had lots of fun and it was sweet memories we created that will be with me forever. I got an email from Emirates informing me of a possible upgrade to Business Class. When Calvin heard of this, he was super hyper and asked his Papa for an upgrade because it was a dream of his to fly Business Class with Emirates.

With a bit of coxing and persuading, Calvin got what he wanted and Vincent paid for our upgrade from Dubai to Glasgow. I was shocked and surprised that Vincent paid over £900 for our Business Class upgrade!  Calvin watched YouTube videos of Emirates Business Class flights almost the entire night.

Flying back to Hong Kong had it’s challenges because Charles and Vincent were both dilly dallying. Calvin and I were more than eager to get to the airport because we had fears of the scheduled airport sit in protests which heightened my emotions. I snapped at Vincent for having no sense of urgency to get to the airport. He just ignored me! So typical of him and his laid back attitude!

Our fair well was emotional as it always is. Boo! Calvin was more than ready to fly home and was super excited about his Business Class experience. The flight from Sydney to Hong Kong was challenging because Charles was noisy and chatty at the beginning until Calvin told him to be quiet and leave him alone. We were greeted with a flood of young people at Hong Kong Airport arrivals who were protesting when we landed. It was overwhelming and I felt claustrophobic!

I have never ever seen so many people at Hong Kong Airport. It was such a shock! At this point I was more than ready to fly home and I wished we could have boarded our flight back to Glasgow from here, after what I witnessed.

We stayed the night at my mother in law’s. Tina joined us at the airport and made sure we got our luggage kept overnight at airport. She paid for our light meal before we parted ways. Calvin and I headed for Hong Kong in the Express train. Rebecca was there to pick us up and take us to her mum’s. Mother in law was waiting for us to settle into her apartment. We settled for sleep after taking a shower. I woke up during the night to pee and woke up feeling hungry around 8am. We had breakfast with mother in law then we waited for lunch. This Sunday felt like a long day because I was more than ready to fly home.

After dinner with Vincent’s family at a nearby restaurant, we were escorted to the airport by Tina and Charles. Charles was attached to Calvin after their three weeks together in Sydney. When we got to the airport, the boys were hungry again. We had some snacks in an upstairs restaurant.

It was time to head to departures and bide our fair wells. I got a hug from Charles and Tina after asking for it and it was fun to get it! Hehe

Finally, after five weeks of living out of our suitcases, we were flying home and I felt an immediate sense of calm and relief. The uncertainties from the ongoing protests in Hong Kong instantly disappeared and I was happier.

I was shocked to see our Hong Kong to Dubai flight was less than half full. It could have been affected by the protests in Hong Kong. I got a sound three hours sleep on this flight when I settled in the row of seats in front of us because the row was empty. Calvin slept for around four hours.

Our Business Class flight was out of this world. The entire experience had Calvin grinning from ear to ear.

I got to stretch my legs out and lie flat to sleep which was much needed to rest my exhausted body. The humongous screen was amazing. The mini bar we had got topped up with drinks. Calvin was greeted “Sir” even at his tender age!   I was greeted “Madam”. What a massive difference Business Class makes. Can you imagine what First Class would have been like for Calvin?  We were both spoiled to no end. We got socks, eye masks, toothpaste, toothbrush, a mattress for our seats, unlimited drinks at the bar, snacks at the bar, both our meals were satisfying and more attractive than I could ever imagine. Only negative was our breakfast had no protein which was a huge disappointment because we got our protein in Economy. Calvin took drinks home from the mini bar and the tiny jar of jam from breakfast.

I slept for around three hours and Calvin slept for around the same time. It felt like a short flight because I didn’t have enough time to watch another movie. I could certainly fly from Dubai to Sydney in Business Class because I had no Restless Leg Syndrome on this flight. No surprises there eh!

I was so relieved to finally get back home and settle back into my Glasgow routine. However, I feel I am still catching up. I feel a huge part of me is still in Sydney soaking up the glorious sun because our weather this week has been cold and dull.

Our dad is in hospital. He had gall stones and had an operation today. I told mum by phone on Monday that I would NOT visit dad. Mum was alright about it. Last night mum called me and begged me to visit dad in hospital. I was full of anger and rage. I let out many years of pain, anger, resentment and put up a boundary with mum. I told her I would NOT visit dad because he had abused me enough. I told mum that I had been seeing a psychiatrist and I was in no fit state to see dad and be abused by him further. I told mum it was karma coming to bite dad because of how he treated you and me when we were in hospital. Mum agreed and let go of the issue.

How would you feel about visiting dad if you were still here with us?  How would you feel about not obliging to our family obligations? How would you feel to have a sick dad who doesn’t deserve your time and effort yet he is still our dad? Could you forgive dad and let go of your pain and visit dad in hospital?  I would support you no matter what decision you make because I got your back and will always support you!

How do you make decisions when you are stuck and indecisive?

When was the last time you were stuck with making an important decision? What a huge dilemma!!!

I am rarely indecisive because I am self assured and go with the flow…….why? I am a doer!  I do things, I make things happen, without thinking of the consequences at all…….which has it’s pros and cons. I rarely think of the consequences of my actions because I rarely think at all!!  That is who and what I am. When I do think, I get drained by all the details, the specifics, the what if’s and but’s and it totally sucks the happiness out of me. I think I am allergic to the negatives of thinking……of the consequences. Of all the what if’s and but’s that comes through my head. Why think so much and spend so much of my valuable time thinking when I could be doing, of being productive and getting results? Although the results may not be ideal and productive, I think one learns from doing ten times more than thinking!

My Aussie hubby tells me that I suffer the consequences of NOT planning the details and specifics of my plans in advance, which has detrimental consequences to my well being and health. He said I am missing out on stuff and things which has been a disadvantage, in his opinion. I do understand his point of view. Yet, how many times have I did something without thinking too much into it and learned from my mistakes than planning it to the last minute detail and coming up with all the irrational fears of “What if this happens and what if that happens” which only creates irrational fears for me to think about?

Missing out on stuff and things can be a disadvantage?  Yes and no. I think I would miss out ten times more from not taking action due to my irrational fears of the “What if’s and but’s” than I would from planning my actions to the tiniest little detail. To argue this point, there are times when it is totally vital and imperative to planning everything in minute detail, such as flying to a destination where we need our passport, travel insurance and all the other essentials necessary to enjoy our holiday. Minimise all potential risks and mistakes for a stress free holiday is my motto since I have gained much more experience and knowledge of travelling from flying since 2012.

I have a gargantuan issue with time. I was the caretaker in my family, taking care of everyone else other than myself. My needs, wants and desires were abandoned, neglected and dismissed. Due to this being a colossal part of my life until I decided to become a single mother and set myself free from my unfulfilled marriage, I never had the freedom to be my true authentic self. I never had the freedom to make mistakes, make decisions for myself and my life. Life is about trial and error. How do we know when a decision is the wrong or inappropriate one when we never make mistakes? How do we learn from life when we never make any mistakes? Not making a decision is still making a decision. The decision to procrastinate. Procrastination is the killer to progress and fulfillment in life.

I think the biggest difference in the thinkers and doers is the obvious one which is: thinkers think of all the things that could and would go wrong when making a decision because they are in their heads 90% of the time, whilst the doers are exactly the opposite. They are doing and taking action 90% of the time. Yes they make more mistakes than the thinkers, why?  They are the ones who are comfortable with making mistakes, again and again!  They learn more effectively from their mistakes than sitting and thinking of all the “What if’s and but’s” or as my Aussie hubby says “The consequences”!

Fuck the consequences because there are consequences to every little or big decision that we make. Our decision could be fool proof. It could be what we think is the perfect decision. It could be what we think “Nothing could go wrong” or “I have minimised all the possible things that could ever go wrong”. How much time is required to minimise all the possible things that could go wrong with any important decision we make? By the time a thinker has thought of all the actions they could take to minimise all of the possible things that could go wrong, I have already completed that same task.

Mistakes are deadly to thinkers 90% more than the doers. Doers are more comfortable with taking risks. Even the higher risks. Maybe one could argue that the doers are far too hasty, irrational and dysfunctional. Maybe they are right. I am certainly irrational when it comes to making decisions. I make my decisions based on my feelings. There is no rational thinking with me because I am ever so connected with my feelings. However, last night, I was faced with such a colossal dilemma with an important decision, I asked for the opinion of my middle son who was available (which is exceptionally rare) and my Aussie hubby in order to get their opinion and perspective. I wanted to have more information and details, which drains me and it was vital for my decision. I was amazed at my decision to get others’ opinions and perspective which is exceedingly out of my character. I was highly proud of myself for NOT making a hasty and rushed decision where the high risks could have cost me unnecessary ill health and negative emotions.

I think Jim Rohn has taught me well, exceptionally. He taught me that whenever I am faced with difficulties with making an important decision, to get pen and paper out. to write out what my issue is, write out my possible solutions, write out the pros and cons to each solution that I could possibly think of. This works for me. Thank goodness!

My anxieties goes on and on………..

I’m exhausted, drained and feeling so fed up with my aches and pains from life. I wake up in our freezing and dark mornings to the music from my alarm clock, to cook breakfast for my twelve year old son Calvin,  in order for him to get a cooked breakfast before he leaves for school. I was never looked after like this from my parents when I got into high school. I want to give this to Calvin because he deserves it. It also allows him to eat breakfast with his mum instead of either going without breakfast or eating on his own which he detests. He would rather not eat go at all or go for something that doesn’t give him the vital nutrients that his growing body requires for optimal health.

I long to feel as energetic as I did when I was a little child. I long to have the unconditional love from my parents. I would love to have the freedom and the right to make my own choices, even though my choices could be wrong. Making wrong choices is the only way to learn what is right and what is wrong for me and my life. I long to have the total freedom to be who and what I was born to be. Loud and proud. Noisy and crazy. Funny and witty. Speaks my mind to express my thoughts and feelings, with no intentions of offending anyone.

I long to have the freedom to do whatever I want with my time, instead of taking care of others who do not love me unconditionally. I would love to have my valuable time back where I could just be me. The person I was born to be. The person I longed to be. The person who longed to be free to be who she is. I have accumulated a tonne of aches and pains from being controlled and abused from my dysfunctional and unhealthy family system. I dream of being born into a functional and healthy family system. I dream of having functional and healthy parents and siblings. I dream of having boundaries and a solid structure in my life, instead of being told to go here and there or told to do this and that, without the freedom to refuse.

I am struggling immensely to parent my inner child and inner teen. They are exceptionally demanding and difficult to parent because I was not parented in a functional and healthy manner.  On a productive day, I get to complete all of my tasks that I had planned. On an unproductive day, I feel sick and exhausted from my aches and pains from life. On a sunny day like today, I want to get an many tasks completed as possible because the sunshine lifts me up. On a dull and deary day, I just want to be a couch potato and binge watch my favourite TVB drama. I just want to do absolutely nothing and spoil myself with what I enjoy doing as a child. I just want to play like I did as a child in Hong Kong, with big brother and cousin Becky. Those were my happiest days of my childhood. I miss those days so much!

Being a single mother with three sons, who were also born into a dysfunctional family system, my two older sons were taught by their dad’s mother that boys don’t do housework.  I have struggled and been challenged to have them help me with our housework. My two older sons were never taught to get into the good and responsible habit of helping around our home with housework. Calvin, who was cared for by my parents, since he was a baby, was taught mainly by my mum, to help around the home with housework. Calvin is smart to negotiate with me on getting pocket money for helping me with our housework nowadays because he’s focused on saving money. He knows that he deserves to be paid for his valuable time and effort. I would never have been this smart to negotiate with my parents for helping with housework. Nor was I taught that I deserved to get something for my valuable time and effort.

I long to have been valued and felt important to my parents. I long to have a healthier and more loving relationship with my parents. Sadly, that shall never happen. Sadly, that has not happened in my current job either. That is why I have handed in my notice. I learned from this current job, that I need to feel I am valued and feel important to my employer. This has been an insightful lesson in my life.

I am due to start a new job next week with a new employer, who has already shown me that they value their employees. I am grateful that my vision ( which I wrote at the beginning of last month)  for my ideal job is becoming a reality. Woo hoo!  I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel!  The aches and pains from this current job shall end at the end of this week. I am absolutely delighted and bursting with excitement. I also have butterflies churning inside my tummy, with an exuberant load of anxiety due to me going into the unknown with a new job. I got into a new job this time last year and only lasted five weeks in it. I think my subconscious mind is anxious about this.  Leaving this current job is the most constructive thing to do for my inner peace and happiness.

Bring on next week and the uncertainties because I am embracing them all!

How I am embracing another new chapter!

“Why would you get married for the second time when it didn’t work out the first time?”  Stephen said. Stephen was a linen porter that I worked with at the Travelodge Hotel job I had for six months. He separated with his wife because their relationship was not working. In Stephen’s mind, a marriage is very unlikely to work the second time because the first one ended in much pain and bitterness. From talking to Stephen and getting to know him, he is clearly still holding onto unresolved issues from this first marriage. This is a recipe for another painful and bitter end to a new relationship if and when he gets into one because he has “excess baggage” as the saying goes.

How do we resolve our unresolved issues from a previous relationship and move forward for inner peace and happiness? First we need to accept that our previous relationship was setting us up for what it turned to be. We learned to love our partner from our set up, our parents and main caregivers. If we were born into a dysfunctional family, like myself, we are more than likely to have a dysfunctional  and unhealthy relationship with our partner. We are going to get into codependency and that is where the sign of pain and heartbreak lies.

I was in a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex husband who was also born into a dysfunctional family. I was the needy one in our unhealthy relationship and he was the needless one. My personal needs, wants and values were never ever met because I had no idea what they were, until I began my journey with personal development. My personal foundation was damaged, destroyed and this left me with nothing to build our relationship on. My ex husband also didn’t know what his personal needs, wants, desires and values were. We both had many unresolved issues from our past buried deep in our personal foundation which meant that we were set up for a bitter, painful and unhealthy relationship with ourselves and with each other.

Our relationship lasted for sixteen years which was to me, a very unfulfilling and painful time. I was at my prime and had very little knowledge as to how I could create a better life for myself and for us. I was controlled all my life by my mother who was abandoned by her birth parents. I was denied the freedom to make decisions and choices for myself. I was trapped whilst living at home with my parents so I escaped. That escape only created another unhappy, unfulfilling and unhealthy environment for me.

I have many unresolved issues from those unfulfilling and painful sixteen years spent with a toxic and narcissistic man that has been haunting me. There have been dreams of me taking back control in our relationship in the past week or so. In each of the dreams, I am being very assertive with my then husband and that was what I always wanted to be, subconsciously. Yet, I married my mother!  I allowed my then husband to control me, manipulate me and abuse me because I was treated that way by my parents.

The abuse from then husband only stopped when I dumped him and started a new life for myself. That was the biggest challenge in my entire life. It was the best decision I ever made!

The first step is always the most difficult and challenging yet once we have made that first step, everything becomes much easier.

I had very little to lose from what I had lost prior to being a single mum. The loses were a blessing in disguise. They set me up for getting out of my comfort zone and doing what is appropriate for myself,  with no regards of what others say or think of me.

In reflecting, those loses were necessary for me to feel blessed with what I had. “We never know what we have until we lose it” is so true. I was spending so much of my time focusing on what I didn’t have in life and neglecting to see what treasures I did have, right in front of my eyes.

Nowadays, I am ever grateful for the bare necessities, food, water, shelter, good health care and I no longer take them for granted.

I remember being a positive person who knew how to have fun with life yet when I was given huge responsibilities as a big sister, everything changed for me. I was no longer a child at the age of ten. I lost myself to being a mother to my younger brother who was not my responsibility. Life was full of responsibilities then and I was living for taking care of younger brother and my parents. My life was robbed and I felt trapped.

Today, I set myself free of my caretaker role and I am finally living for myself and no one else. I do whatever I want, within reason, whenever I want, with whoever I want. I am taking care of my personal needs, wants and desires. I am “selfing” as Shirley Smith said in her book “Set Yourself Free”. I have no qualms about doing what is necessary to take care of my needs, wants and desires, even when others don’t see why I need to do a particular thing.

There are many uncertainties with taking care of my needs, wants and desires as I am constantly growing, evolving and expanding. I am well equipped with tools I gained from my almost six years of personal development to help me embrace uncertainties.

My new chapter in life is upon me. It is both very exciting and scary. It is also giving me many opportunities to experience things I have yet to experience. I am finally experiencing the excitement of planning and organising things for myself, both in my personal life and in my career. I am now experiencing having the things I was once denied of having. Planning and organising for my wedding with my sweetheart has been exciting and I get feelings of happiness come through along with some negative emotions which are all good.

To me, getting the things I was once denied of having brings up many unresolved and unexpressed emotions through my body. This is a very scary experience and thank goodness I have huge self awareness and emotional intelligence to handle the raw emotions as they come through. My body has been going through some aches and pains due to this happening in the past month or so.

Thank goodness for my daily yoga and mediation that I engage in. I am able to scan my body for whatever seems to be bothering me and acknowledge it. Then give it my full attention and finally I am able to move forward.

The pain at the back of my neck in the past week or so is finally subsiding from my meditation and yoga. It was such “a pain in the neck” to be feeling the pain in my neck again, as it came from my whiplash in May 2014 after being the back passenger of Cory’s car. We were hit only very slightly by a car behind us when we were stopped at a set of traffic lights. Yet that slight hit was more than enough to do damage to my neck, shoulders and head.

In two months time I shall be flying to Hong Kong for my wedding. My second wedding shall be twenty times more exciting than my first because I get to make the choices and decisions for me, for us and for our future. That is what we both want to do for each of us, finally!

There are many uncertainties with a marriage. We get cold feet and that is quite alright. I am experiencing the cold feet since we booked our wedding date. I am also getting many negative thoughts coming through. All the “what if’s and but’s” are visiting my mind. My old self is wanting to take control due to so many negative thoughts each day, roaming my mind. Go away old self!  You have no place in my life now. I am very happy now. Now let’s send you off to the past where you belong!

Why did I never ever have these negative thoughts come through when I was about to get married for the first time? What is happening now that never happened back then?

I think it is due to our state of mind. It changes as we go through different stages in our lives. We are constantly evolving and expanding. This means we are learning everyday. I am learning to embrace uncertainties with a new chapter in my life. Bring on the fear and uncertainties!