Archives for the month of: September, 2017

I hear the phrase “One step forwards and two steps back” now and again. I only experienced this pain since I began my journey with personal development over six years ago. Before this grand adventure, my life was lived in a cage, trapped, imprisoned and was extremely painful. I was living for care taking others’ needs and had neglected my own. I never experienced a life of freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted until I was almost 40 years young. My first step into freedom and living my life for myself was letting go of the fear of thinking I must have my then husband in my life for both financial and emotional security. I later learned that my dysfunctional family set up had set me to think this way. I learned that this way of thinking was not mine. It was passed onto me from my parents way of thinking and from their dysfunctional family set up.

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At times, I am amazed at my gargantuan progress into a new life of learning new skills, stepping out of my comfort zone from every angle of life and becoming more competent and stronger each day. At other times, my old self surfaces that was buried deep into the dark corner and she wants to take control of my life again. Oh no way!  I shall never allow you to gain control of my new freedom and adventurous life because I deserve the best and I have no intention whatsoever of going backwards.

I reflect on my progress once a week most times and I am at times, overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how far I have come and how much success I have gained and achieved. This feeling of intense emotions of gaining so much success in six years seems a very short period of time to me. Yet, six years is logically, a good portion of one’s life spent consistently and constantly working hard on one’s personal growth. How many people do you know that has spent six years on a consistent and constant level at working hard on themselves to achieve their goals for personal growth?

How many of you have experienced any sort of emotional pain from your personal growth? What did the pain feel like? How long did the pain last? After I came home from Hong Kong at the end of July this year, I have had a highly intense sort of emotional pain that has lingered and loitered around my body. I think the intense pain came from my weekly progress from attending my CODA meetings where I am getting so much support to help me onto the road to recovery from my codependence. I only learned about codependence from reading self help books after I began my self development. No one had told me about it until then. I never heard of it until I began reading those valuable self help books. What a grand revelation for me!  I finally knew and understood why I was living my life for others for such a long period of time. I finally knew and understood how I was set up to have unhealthy and toxic relationships with both men and women.

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I had suffered and endured a life of being controlled and imprisoned. A life where what I needed, wanted and desired was of no importance whatsoever to my loved ones. I felt like I was invisible to them all. I wanted to scream and be let out of the cage. I seemed to have lost my loud and proud voice somewhere along the way of care taking others. The intense pain of living in prison with no freedom to live my life as the person I truly was had taken it’s toll on my authentic self. I lost such an enormous part of my authenticity when I finally set myself free from an unfulfilled marriage that lasted far too long. It took me many a struggle with many dark days and nights to find my authentic self.

Today, my authentic self is living for herself and life is brighter, bigger and so much better. However, personal growth has it’s price. What price?  The price of no longer allowing that inner voice, that inner critic to take control of my freedom and inner peace. The price of no longer allowing my irrational fears to hold me back from making further progress. Progress has been and still is overwhelmingly painful. That deep and intense emotional pain of finally letting go of my old self that I lived with for almost forty years is so scary. My old self is fighting to be here and be present in my new freedom. My old self is too uncomfortable with freedom. She has no idea how to handle freedom to live her life as she wants and desires. My old self is familiar with drama, chaos, abuse, neglect and abandonment. My old self is familiar with unhealthy and toxic relationships. I am no longer surrounding myself with drama, chaos, abuse, neglect and abandonment which means my old self is dying a violent, sharp and grievous death. How horrifying for my old self? She is fighting with every ounce of energy she has left to get back the control she once governed with strong power. She is only comfortable and familiar with unhealthy and toxic relationships where abuse, manipulation, control, shame, fear, abandonment and neglect is everyday life for her. She has no idea how to handle healthy and functional relationships.

There is a constant fight with my old self and new self in recent months. My old self is unwilling to let go without the last fight with her last breath. She is a bold and strong warrior. She is stubborn with so much grit we could cover the entire universe with it! Warriors die fighting. They never give up. giving up has never been an option for them.

 

I think my dysfunctional family set up shall always be inside of me. It shall always be deep and muddy. That mud is coming up as fast as I can blink. That mud has been creating the intense emotional pain for me because of my consistent and constant personal growth. My body has endured all sorts of physical pain this year and I have had to take time off work and from my personal life in order to recover. The chaos from my past and dysfunctional family set up has taken it’s toll on my body. My organs has weakened to frightening heights and I have been through a desperately slow yet certain recovery with promising results. It has certainly been an insightful journey to what causes my physical illnesses. I learned that from ignoring my strong and severe negative emotions, I have paid the ultimate price!

I think I am over the worst emotional pain from my personal growth. I think I am now finally on the road to a slow yet definite recovery. Recovery of weakened organs and physical sickness. My future certainly seems clearer, brighter and more purposeful to the extent of finally gaining my inner peace and tranquility. The inner peace and tranquility of feeling happy with where I am with my life even though there are certain small aspects of my life that I would love to change, yet those annoyances are beyond my control.  

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I feel more at ease today.  I am feeling blessed and grateful for my life of an abundance of happiness, health, wealth and love. Today, I started my day with positive thoughts. I began my day with exercise, yoga, meditation, affirmations and visualisations. This is my Miracle Morning routine that I learned from reading “The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. I set myself up for a more successful day and that was what I received. Thank you.

 

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“We have visuals!”

“We have visuals!”

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When was the last time you were curious enough to ask why you do what you do and others do things so differently to you?

I had been curious enough to ask myself why some people excelled at passing their exams at school whilst I failed most of mine, especially at high school. I knew my talents were in doing things with my hands and feet. I knew that I learned from doing. I knew that I could only absorb information when I was given visuals. My music teacher who taught me how to play the violin said to me “Kit you have excellent intonation!”   My French teacher in high school said I was easily distracted in class!  No surprises there because I remember his teaching methods was so damn boring to me. I remember we would sit in his class,  listening to him mumble and ramble on and on without any of us speaking French.  How does one learn to speak French this way?

I switched off whenever I am listening to a teacher at school without any visuals or without the opportunity to learn from doing. I learned this from reading books on NLP – Neuro-Linguistic programming. What a revelation it was for me!  I realised that’s why I found it ever so difficult to write an answer to questions in my exam papers. My English was still developing as I had came to live in Scotland from Hong Kong with no knowledge of English whatsoever. I was set up to fail in my written exams at high school.

Whenever I am searching for an answer to any question, I need to access the visuals from my brain and bring them forward. This takes time and effort that can and does exhaust me mentally. I get stressed out whenever I am unable to find any visuals to answer questions throughout my day.

I have learned to have visuals as much as possible, in order to help me get the most out of my life and to minimise my stress levels. My fridge door has a written list of the foods I currently have it in. This helps me to search for food at a faster rate and with clarity. My stress levels are kept at a minimal whenever I need to cook a meal and that is three times a day. Three times a day, equals to twenty one times per week. That’s so much cooking which needs an enormous amount of effort, skills and talent.

Without an effective system, with whatever we do, we become lost and stressed out. I recently installed a more effective system in my bedroom in order to help me find where everything is kept. Clear boxes with lids for my stationery and other items. I de-cluttered all of the large unwanted, unused and gathering dust belongings to create room and clarity for me to find things. My bedroom finally looks much more tidier and has a “Spring in it’s step”.

There is a need for me to apply a similar system at work, in order to minimise my stress levels and become more efficient in what I do. I find it futile for me,  to remember everything mentally without visuals.

My phone is filled with visuals from photos to “To do list”, to “To buy list” and “books I have read list”. I have photos of products that I use or take so that when I need to restock, I can retrieve it from my phone and not from my brain. This helps me to free up much needed space in my brain for better things to come through. Thank goodness for smartphones!  I would be so lost and stressed out without mine!

How long can you focus on the person you are talking to on the phone?  For me, it is a maximum of five minutes and then I switch off because I have no visuals. I do not see the person on the other end of the line. I enjoy face to face conversations anytime over a phone conversation. We are very fortunate nowadays with our gadgets to have video chats. We are able to have face to face conversations in real time. We have the body language, tone of voice and verbal communication. What an absolute delight and a gargantuan treat!

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When was the last time you went to pick up your groceries at the supermarket and came home without this and that?  I am thinking the same thing that I used to do. I went to the supermarket without a shopping list. No visuals, which meant that I could not remember everything I needed to bring home. Nowadays, I use to pen to score out the items on my shopping list as I pick them up from the supermarket shelf. This has proven to work for me every time. I forgot to pick up honey on Friday even though it was written on my shopping list. There was no pen in my rucksack to score out my shopping. Who suffered?  Yes, you got it. It was me. I scolded myself for not bringing a pen with me to the supermarket!

Before you tell yourself that you are a failure at everything you do,  ask yourself this: Am I a visual learner?  Maybe I would do better with visuals!