Archives for the month of: December, 2016

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As the year 2016 is drawing to it’s end, I am taking time to reflect on my journey so far. What an amazing year of gargantuan growth it truly has been for me! I had created time to set big goals to achieve this year at the end of 2015. It was absolutely vital for me, to set big goals before the end of the year and this sets me up for success. Having eliminated all sorts of distractions in all shape and form last year, no more toxic relationships and drama from them, this year has been the most fruitful for me since I began my journey with personal development over five years ago.

I have had many sleepless nights, this year, tossing and turning from anxiety and a sense of fear of going into the unknown. There were nightmares some nights and other nights, there were weird and funny dreams. I have felt all sorts of fear big and small to get my hands on my goals. The most important ingredient has been no distractions unlike previous years. With my blinkers on, working on my goals has been so much easier this year. Many days, I have felt lonely and thank you to my days of solitude after my dearest big brother’s passing, I have learned to feel comfortable with enjoying my solitude. Being on my own, silent, still and quiet during my recovery and healing process from big brother’s very sudden passing has served me well. It was a blessing in disguise in more ways than one or two. I am ever grateful for my most challenging life experience.

Attending my weekly Toastmasters meetings, throwing myself into the different roles to take on, in order to gain my Competent Leadership Badge has been most rewarding and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of being on stage. Taking on the Toastmasters role was the most yet I felt the fear and did it anyway, gaining experience from it and allowing me to grow. I have delivered four prepared speeches, three of them were short notice because another member dropped out of their allocated slot, which meant that I had very little time to practice my prepared speech, yet I grabbed those opportunities to get myself out of my comfort zone. My prepared speeches did not need to be perfect. I no longer strive for perfection because it is very futile. All that was important to me was to enjoy my experience delivering my speech and gain more confidence.

I have been very fortunate to have found myself again, after losing a huge part of me after big brother’s very sudden passing. It took me a long time, yet I finally found myself again and I thoroughly enjoyed the whole journey of recovery and healing. It was a major struggle, yet those struggles were put in my life to help me to grow and learn. What doesn’t kill you certainly makes you stronger as Kelly Clarkson sang in her song Stronger!

Settling into my first job since big brother’s sudden passing has been the most challenging thing I have had to handle this year. Being out of work for almost three years, it took me quite a while to settle. Yet I embraced the challenges, found solutions, felt the fear and feared forward. I felt anxiety, trepidation and apprehension as I walked into my job each day during the beginning.  It was such a huge struggle both mentally and emotionally. The physical demands was also a huge stress factor. I would come home feeling like I had been run down by a bus!

Five months since I started my job, I have more than settled and made new friends with my team and they are becoming as crazy as me. I have influenced them in a great way! Hehe

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Visiting Hong Kong for the second time this October, was one of my biggest milestones this year. I embraced many fears and stepped out of my comfort zone. I finally learned to navigate the Hong Kong MTR, their Mass Transit Railway. I got the MTR by myself from Mongkok to our Airbnb in Sai Ying Pun after meeting an online friend for the first time. I got lost and it was such an adventure as I knew I was lost. I looked at the map at the station that I got off the MTR at, to find my way back to my destination. I stepped out of my comfort zone many times in Hong Kong this year. It was such a huge opportunity for me to grow and gain more confidence. I may not be an expert yet at travelling on the MTR, yet I can navigate my way around with ease and comfort. Thinking back on my last year’s visit, my first, how overwhelmed I had felt at being boxed in and squeezed in with my fellow passengers, I have made such amazing progress to be truly proud of. I get very claustrophobic in confined spaces and now I feel comfortable with having my fellow passengers in my face, literally! Haha   Buying breakfast each morning from our local cafe was another milestone for me. Thank goodness I could read their Chinese menu. That was less stressful for me. It was placing my order each day, from a different cafe that left me feeling very uncomfortable. Yet, I did it anyway to gain confidence and grow. It was nowhere near as scary as I had made up in my mind. Sweetheart was spending time with his immediate family in mainland China during our first weekend in Hong Kong which left me with Calvin all alone, fending for ourselves. It was a great opportunity for me to learn how to travel farther on the MTR, with the help from my personal Sat Nav. We thoroughly enjoyed riding the train, by First Class to Tai Po to meet with my mum and her sister Wendy. I felt no fear during that weekend as I was feeling very relaxed and calm. Calvin thoroughly enjoyed having his mum all to himself. I loved our quality bonding time together and the time spent with my mum and aunt Wendy. It felt like a once in a lifetime opportunity for me as it was my first time being in Hong Kong with my mum. Hehe

As this is my last post from 2016, I want to shout “Well done me for making such gargantuan progress this year and getting my hands on so many successes, big and small!” A huge thank you to my sweetheart for his continuous support and guidance.

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There was a time not that long ago, when I was still a newbie at personal development, where I questioned myself about my identity. About who I was which created so much confusion for me and I felt I had lost a huge part of who and what I was born to be from taking care of my parents, brothers, ex husband, his family and our sons.

I needed to know who I was at the time and I felt trapped in someone’s mind and body that I could not understand. I felt so lost and bewildered. I felt like a nobody, not even myself understood who and what I was. That was so scary for me. I felt dead and empty inside at times of confusion. I lost the connection I once had with who and what I was born to be.

My dysfunctional family set up had set me up for a life of shame and pain. That intense pain was still lingering and I wanted it to disappear so that I could focus on my present and future self.

I wanted to break free from who and what I was expected to be and live my life for me, not for pleasing my dad and what he expected me to be. He would remind me, whenever I was not conforming to his expectations “you remember what your name means Kit Yee!” I had no desire to conform to any cultural or social standards and expectations. I longed to become who and what I was born to be. Not what my name meant. Not what my dad expected me to be. Not what my dad wanted me to be. I longed to be free of all of other people’s expectations of who and what they wanted me to be.

I remember for a few years,  as I was finding myself, that my dad would consistently shame me in the presence of my family, for what I had did or said that was “not appropriate” according to his standards. This created so much drama and a huge distance between dad and myself.

It was much later, after reading  “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, where I learned why my dad had shamed me so much in the presence of family members. Until then, I could not understand why and how he would only shame me and mum in the presence of family members during family gatherings. As I was reading this book, everything that my dad said or did to me and mum during family gatherings became crystal clear.  I could finally understand my dad’s behaviours and I felt so much lighter. I did nothing wrong by being myself. I did nothing that warranted such toxic shame. I did nothing wrong to be true to myself and stand up for what I believed in.

The issues was not with me. The issues was not what I did or said. The issues was with my dad and what he was taught in his childhood. He was passing his toxic shame onto me and mum. It was time to break free from this toxic shame and find a way to recovery and healing. It was time to find peace and be at peace.

I was very fortunate to have been introduced to a great therapist at the beginning of this year and working with her helped me to find a way to recovery and healing for a peaceful and fulfilling life.

It has been a very painful journey to self discovery and I am grateful to have had the support and love from my sweetheart who guided me through my finding myself.

Nowadays, I live each day free to be who and what I was born to be. It is so much fun to live my life being who and what I was born to be and no longer conforming to or submitting to who and what others want me to be.

I recently found out that I am an ENFJ meaning extraversion, intuition, feeling and judgement, in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to refer to one of the 16 personality types from answering a question on Quora. After listening to an audio book about this particular personality type, I learned even more about myself and why I do the things I do.

ENFJs are born leaders therefore, that explains why I do not feel comfortable being told what to do and how to do it. I do what I believe works for me, not what others tell me would work for me. I learn from making my own mistakes, not from others’ mistakes because I am different to others. I do what I want to do for me and no questions asked. I am not a follower, I never have been and never will. I knew from a tender age that I was very different to others around me. I felt comfortable with that due to how my mum is. I feel most comfortable and happy when I am doing my own things and not following trends or what others are doing. I can come across as stubborn and strong willed, which are both vital to standing up to what I believe in. These are important ingredients to getting what I want to achieve in life. Nothing major shall be achieved without a bit of stubbornness and strong will.

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There are only 12% of the world’s population who are ENFJs which is so amazing and I was shocked when I found out. I am grateful to have found this about myself. What a great insight and it really fascinated me! Now I can fully understand why I had felt at a tender age, that I was so different from others around me.

I am finally free to live my life the way I want. I am loving the fun I have each day being me. I love me, warts and all. Thank you!

Why is the subject of death such a taboo subject all over the world when it is something that happens to all of us? I have been very curious about death since I learned about it at a tender age. Yet, upon asking about the subject, I am told to shut up and forget about finding out anything of it. As time passed, I realised that this created my fears of death. I was very scared of dying in moments when I was triggered by thoughts or emotions that came flooding through me about uncertainties.

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I remember talking to my dad about coffins and death at his house one day and I was told to shut up with his anger and that was enough to tell me that he was not comfortable talking about it. I also remember bringing up death with my ex husband’s mother, where she was also very angry with the subject. Why? Why are we not allowed to talk about death in a calm manner?

I am reading “Embracing Uncertainty” by Susan Jeffers and she suggests that we “Embrace the hearse” and talk about death. She suggests that we plan for our funeral and talk to our friends and family about our plans.

I want to take this opportunity to plan for my funeral and call it “Celebrating my fulfilled life”. I may have missed out on many opportunities before I reached 39 years young. Yet I am free to go for what I truly believe I am capable of achieving. I am living my life for me now, not for others. I am free to be who and what I was born to be. Nothing is stopping me now. I am soaring!

In my party for “Celebrating my fulfilled life” I shall have upbeat music of my choice, food of my choice that is from all over the world to cater for all of my dearest friends and family. I have friends and family from all over the world so this is vital to bring them together to celebrate my fulfilled life. Food always brings people together, along with music and a party!

I want all of my attendees to wear bright colours. They are allowed to dress up or down, whatever they feel comfortable with as long as there is some bright colour in their attire. Next, I want party poppers, balloons, party hats, streamers, a clown, a bouncy castle, a magician and anything that is party related. Everyone shall be encouraged to bring their inner child out and play. There shall be so much laughter, cracking jokes, smiles all around and children are allowed to create a bit of mess and be noisy.  I want to have the loudest send off to give something to my friends and family to remember me by. I want to go with a humongous bang! I am loud and proud so that is rather appropriate of me!

My party is the most unconventional one anyone shall ever attend because I am one of a kind, unique and so special that you shall never meet any other quite like me. It shall be one where my attendees are partying into the night and if they wish into the early hours of the morning. There shall be accommodation arranged for those who live afar.

I want attendees to dance to the music and be happy that I was a part of their lives. I want a karaoke machine for those who love to sing so that they can sing until their heart’s content. I want everyone to talk about me in a positive light and share with each other what they learned from me. I want some of my friends and family to share their inspiring experiences of me with the crowd and this allows them to remember me for who and what I am. I want them to share with each other how crazy, silly and childlike I am. I want them to keep this alive because life is meant to be fun!

I want a member of my friends or family to read out a letter that I wrote to share with everyone at the end of my party and this shall be my way of saying “thank you for being a part of my life”.

I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in Hong Kong, my birth place. I shall be able to join my big brother doing what we love to do as children.

Now that I have written out my plan for my funeral, death to me, no longer feels scary and frightening! Thank you Susan Jefffers.

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There are times when we are required to push our body beyond it’s maximum limit. I had such an experience from Thursday up to yesterday at work. I had a total of 45 departs to deal with which was most demanding due to a number of ongoing unresolved issues at work. These issues were very time consuming and so stressful which are having a huge impact on our overall health.

I learned a few things over the weekend about how we, as a team can unite and help each other to work efficiently,  save time and reduce unnecessary stress.

Our incompetent manager and supervisor are not helping us the way we need them to so we need to help ourselves and find solutions to our issues that has been ongoing for too long now.

By working as a team and staying in touch with each other about issues, problems and finding solutions, we would cut our time at work by at least 30 minutes on weekends and possibly 15 minutes on weekdays.

The four consecutive days at work has been the most physically demanding I endured since I began my job as a housekeeper. Saturdays and Sundays are full of issues as we are used to by now. Yet, nobody are working to find solutions. They merely moan, rant and rave about them. That’s futile. It gets us nowhere. It creates too much stress. I am going to be smarter than that and work with my team to create solutions. We are responsible for how our work issues are dealt with. The main issue is taking the responsibility to stand up and speak up about issues and finding solutions. Our manager and supervisor are clearly not capable of doing this for us so therefore we are responsible to take action and find for solutions.

When was last time you had an urgent or important task to complete, yet your negative emotions held you back? We have all been in such circumstances I believe. That feeling of “Oh I just don’t feel like it today or I am feeling down so let’s do it tomorrow” and we are then behind with our tasks. This becomes a habit and what happens next? Our poor habit takes over our self discipline and we get sucked into the “I’ll do it when I am feeling better”  way of thinking.

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I get pms symptoms for seven days per month which depletes my energy, creates many negative emotions, gives me headaches, backache, muscle pain, increased sleepiness, increased low moods, clouds my logic and I become the most emotional woman on earth where any wise person would know to run a mile when they know I am pms-ing! It is no fun at all when I am dealing with and handling all  of the pms symptoms, every month and needing to suck it up, pull myself together and just get on with it! Some days I want to scream and kick someone in the balls! Other days I feel like staying in bed and binge watch one movie after another. There are days when I want to binge on chocolates and unhealthy snacks to satisfy my pms cravings. I have seen days where I want to pick a fight with my sweetheart merely to get his full attention. On a good day, I shall get on with the tasks that needs my attention, then feel the tiredness, sleepiness and whatever else is taking control of my tired body and retreat to bed for a nap. On a bad day, I want to be on own, have no interest for anything happening around me and couldn’t care if I had food to eat because I feel so sleepy and tired I find getting out of bed would be like running a marathon for my body.

From many trials and errors as I am learning how to control my negative emotions each month to complete my urgent and important tasks, I have established a few vital facts about my body and mind. I like to track everything I do from what I eat each day to what affects my energy levels, I learned that what I do each day with my body has a huge impact on my overall health and well being. Staying active, on the go and getting off my “perky butt” as my sweetheart would say, has been a huge benefit to getting tasks completed. It is the power of habit. We are creatures of habit, poor or rich, good or bad, productive or not, we are the biggest creatures of habit. I do have good habits in place yet they disappear as quick as a flash as soon as pms is with me. It is like when a cat sees a dog!

Staying active, on the go and off my perky butt is no problem whatsoever on my none pms days as I am an active person by nature. Yet, as soon as pms arrives, I am hit with a huge wave of “let’s just stay in bed” syndrome. No, it is not laziness. It is real and it is a pain in the butt!  People who do not understand the impact pms has on women’s energy levels have no idea what we are enduring each month. I would love to make pms disappear for good because I sure can live without it, after living with it since I first got my monthly period. I would love to divorce it with the help of my lawyer!  Sign the papers? No problem. I shall be celebrating with anyone who wants a wild party to remember!  Let’s bring it on girls and boys! 

On the seriousness of taking control of my negative emotions to getting my urgent and important tasks ticked off……..

I learned to focus on the end result. Last night was a great opportunity for me to put into practice what I had learned about controlling my negative emotions. I had taken a nap after coming home from work, eating my snack and taking a shower. I had a huge headache and felt so sleepy and tired. I got woken up by youngest son Calvin’s noise and decided to stay in bed for a few hours. Then the dreaded thought of having to do this and that creeped into mind. Ohhhhh dear says my head. I got to do this and that? How? I have no energy, I got this huge headache, I got my period, bla bla bla! The excuses were becoming as long as the Great Wall of China!  “Shut up and just get on with it, I need these tasks done or else I am going to suffer the consequences”!   That, is how I control my negative emotions during challenging times. I have a firm talk with my negative emotions and make sure they listen to me. The dishes were washed, rinsed and put away. Our kitchen was tidied. The rubbish emptied. The tasks that needed my attention today were written on my “To Do List”.  I washed and dried my hair. I wrote in my journal. Phewwwwww!  What a huge sense of achievement and satisfaction!  I was rewarded with a clean and tidy kitchen this morning to make our breakfast in. Yes! Yes! Yes! Triumphant! Woo Hoo!

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I am becoming a master of my negative emotions!  Win! Win!

Well done me!