When was the last time you felt alive, physically?
I feel most alive when I feel free from the aches and pains from life’s daily struggles and challenges. I am feeling my body ageing daily as I drag myself out of bed to start my day. I miss the mornings when I was a tender teenager, waking up to start my day with boundless energy and enthusiasm. I miss the feeling of a pain free body to move freely and vivaciously. I miss the endless supply of energy I had in my tender teens to see me through each day’s struggles and hardships. I miss feeling the care free thought of no responsibilities like I have now, as a mother to three sons and a wife, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, an employee, a mentor and a role model to so many people. I miss having the fun that I had back then, in my tender teens, with the endless laughter and care free being that I was.
I thought it was the gargantuan amount of responsibilities that weighed me down many years ago, until I learned that it was the aches and pains from going through the hardships, the struggles, the challenges, the setbacks and the daily tasks that needed my full attention. The aches and pains from all the emotions that I had learned to stuff down my body, ignoring them, suppressing them, dismissing them and brushing them under the carpet. This only created something uglier that came back up some years ago when I was diagnosed with mild depression, signed off work for two weeks and I was beginning a journey with life in total darkness.
There was light at the end of the dark, dull and scary tunnel for me when I was fortunately introduced to personal development back in 2011. I learned that my depression was caused and created from my set up……… my dysfunctional family set up, my childhood of not knowing who and what I was and this created so much chaos in my early life. I remember my childhood was full of drama, chaos, shouting and screaming after I began living in Glasgow, Scotland after I moved from Hong Kong. I remember mum was a very different person prior to our move to Scotland. She was always cheery, bubbly, happy and fun to be with. This all changed when we started living with dad. He was far too serious and grumpy for mum to have fun with us. Mum was being influenced by dad’s sour faced grumpiness! Dad never ever smiled or laughed the way mum did. Dad never ever had so much fun with us like mum did. Dad was just an old grumpy sour faced Scrooge.
I slowly learned to be authentic, to be open and honest and most importantly to be myself. The journey in finding myself, finding out who and what I am was ever so painful. I experienced so much pain from learning that I was denied so many of my basic needs as a child growing up. I felt rage in full throttle coming through my body. I wanted to punch someone. Anyone and in particular, my dad and mum. I wanted to cause them as much pain as they had caused me to live with. I want them to feel all the aches and pains that I was carrying around, all day, everyday. I wanted them to suffer twice as much as they caused me to suffer.
There was one particular book I remember reading, at the end of 2012, which helped me to let go of this full throttle rage I was carrying around. I felt so much lighter after I had completed it’s final chapter. I even remember calling my ex husband asking him to talk to Cory, our eldest son because he needed us to be there for him during a tough time he was having. There on my bed, I was as cool as a cucumber, talking slowly and calmly. This was all new to me as I rarely felt this relaxed and calm with such a loser of an ex husband.
As I continued with my delightful journey into developing a better self, with my new attitude to life, I started to feel less aches and pains. Then the aches and pains would come crashing into my body, like I was hit by a double decker bus, as new struggles and challenges came my way. Oh my goodness! Why me? Just leave me alone! I have had more than enough shit to deal with in my life.
Life gives us lessons to learn, disguised as struggles, challenges and setbacks. They are there to help us grow, develop, expand and move out of our comfort zone.
When I lost my dearest big brother to a very sudden death in November 2013, I was thrown into the darkest rut I had ever experienced. His death came at a time when I was growing and expanding. I had learned a few things about this and that, which all came to me at the appropriate time to help me through this latest life experience. I lost the most vivacious part of me when big brother died. I was dead inside. Something inside of me died the morning we received news of big brother’s sudden passing. It took me over eighteen months of painful therapy, grieving and crying to get through losing my big brother, my twin, my one and only lifetime companion. I eventually found myself again. I was slowly thawing and becoming alive once again. Alive enough to enjoy the good, the happiness, the love, the health and wealth that life has to offer each one of us.
It is said that when something or someone is taken away from us, something or someone takes their place. That was to become true for me. I met my Aussie hubby just three months after losing my dearest big brother. My Aussie hubby has helped me, educated me and brought out the best in me when I had lost myself to the most heartbreaking life experience I had endured. We have thoroughly enjoyed everyday of our long distance relationship since our paths crossed in unexpected circumstances.
Life is brighter than it ever has been for me. Yes, there are days when I still feel the aches and pains from life. Yes, there are days when my body says “No you are not dragging me out of bed” just like today. I say to my body “Just do it and you shall feel happier!” I talk to myself in a much more positive and constructive manner. Unlike what I did prior to my journey with working hard on myself. At the end of a tough day, I say to myself “Well done for getting through another challenging day”. I sleep a deeper sleep which helps me to feel revitalised and rejuvenated in the mornings.
Life is so much more enjoyable nowadays as I smile more each day. The only make up that I ever need and it costs absolutely nothing in terms of money. I laugh at the silliest things and I am finally living for myself and that is success. Life is a fun adventure with my craziness and that is all that I need to inspire others to live for themselves. Happy living!
