Dear big brother

I started my new job this week!  How exciting!  It reminds me of starting my new chapter in my life when I chose to become a single mother, working my first nine til five job back in 2007, when you were there for me and my three sons, everyday to support us. This new job is at The Quay, a brand new American burger restaurant, opening their first branch in Scotland. What a privilege for me! Hehe

I was crying on the bus heading home from Toastmasters this Tuesday evening. I was thinking of how much progress I have made since I joined Toastmasters last year with the support and help from my sweetheart. I so wanted to share all of my successes with you yet knowing you are no longer here physically broke my heart and I cried. My heart felt so heavy, I just wanted to snuggle up in bed and cry. I felt so alone and lonely. I wanted sweetheart to hug me, rub my back and comfort me. I no longer want to cry over your sudden passing because I get such a heavy and painful headache that stays for hours. I no longer want to carry the intense emotional pain of your passing that broke my heart into tiny fragments. I want to move forward and shine. I want to achieve my goals and soar!

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I do miss you everyday and think about you. I no longer want to feel guilty for getting on with my life. I want to let you know that you shall always have a special place in my heart.

I feel very sad when I get together with our parents and Tony because you are absent physically. I never hear them talk about you.  I still feel very sad about your passing and want to express this to them yet I was set up to never express my emotions therefore, I find this very difficult.

I attended my second Codependents Anonymous meeting last night. We were guided to share anything regarding avoidance patterns. I hesitated and pondered about how to share what was on my mind. I finally stepped forward and shared what has been brushed under the carpet since July last year, when I got my first job since your passing. I was in shock when I was crying on the bus heading home on Tuesday night. A part of me was relieved from the tears yet I knew I would get a headache which was what I was avoiding for far too long. Sharing my avoidance patterns helped me to realise that I was set up to avoid certain behaviours and feelings. I want to start this new job with as much positive energy as possible and I promised myself that I shall take care of my emotional health as much as possible.

I am due to marry Sweetheart in July, in Hong Kong and I am so excited yet feel sad and upset that you are not here physically to share my joy with me. Mum, Tony and Ailun are flying over for my wedding. We have planned for a pre-wedding photo shoot before our wedding because I never had one. We are having a small casual dinner with family on the night of our wedding. Calvin shall be staying with either mum or Sweetheart’s family on our wedding night to allow us the “us time” on our wedding night.  This is the third time that both Calvin and I are flying back to Hong Kong. We are flying with Emirates again because that is what Calvin wants. We heard that BA are the worst for customer service so we stayed away from them. Thank goodness we got a great deal online for our flights last month!

I have many uncertainties in my mind due to the two new chapters taking place in my life. I am grateful to have found a job before my wedding which means that I have a job to come back home to after our wedding. It takes away the stress of looking for a job and getting back onto my JSA. I am also grateful to Sweetheart for our wedding. His siblings have been a great help with organising our wedding.

Colin came home form Munich three weeks ago. Calvin is over the moon about this because he gets to play online games with Colin and he has company when I am tending to my tasks and meetings.

Calvin went on his first school trip to Lockerbie Manor last week. He was very resilient and strong. He brought out his suitcase and packed it on the Sunday morning before he left. I taught him how to pack his own suitcase for when he comes home so that he is equipped with that knowledge. Calvin is growing so much physically and emotionally. He is now into adult sizes for everything from shoes to tops and trousers.

I neglected to put a placing request for Calvin’s chosen high school before the cut off date which was last month. This has created some issues as to what high school Calvin shall attend in August. I am due to get an answer on the decision of the placing request next month. I would like him to attend Trinity High School, because both Cory and Colin attended it and it was a fantastic school.

I am due to work with my new colleagues for the first time tomorrow when we all go into the brand new restaurant to fill it up. We have training to complete online in our own time. I logged onto it for the first time this afternoon and the first training session was so boring I almost fell asleep. I think it went on for far too long. I am now put off from progressing with this online training. Oh dear!

Anyway, this is all for now. I want to play with Bubby, our cute little hamster who as hyper as me! Hehe

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