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There was a time not that long ago, when I was still a newbie at personal development, where I questioned myself about my identity. About who I was which created so much confusion for me and I felt I had lost a huge part of who and what I was born to be from taking care of my parents, brothers, ex husband, his family and our sons.

I needed to know who I was at the time and I felt trapped in someone’s mind and body that I could not understand. I felt so lost and bewildered. I felt like a nobody, not even myself understood who and what I was. That was so scary for me. I felt dead and empty inside at times of confusion. I lost the connection I once had with who and what I was born to be.

My dysfunctional family set up had set me up for a life of shame and pain. That intense pain was still lingering and I wanted it to disappear so that I could focus on my present and future self.

I wanted to break free from who and what I was expected to be and live my life for me, not for pleasing my dad and what he expected me to be. He would remind me, whenever I was not conforming to his expectations “you remember what your name means Kit Yee!” I had no desire to conform to any cultural or social standards and expectations. I longed to become who and what I was born to be. Not what my name meant. Not what my dad expected me to be. Not what my dad wanted me to be. I longed to be free of all of other people’s expectations of who and what they wanted me to be.

I remember for a few years,  as I was finding myself, that my dad would consistently shame me in the presence of my family, for what I had did or said that was “not appropriate” according to his standards. This created so much drama and a huge distance between dad and myself.

It was much later, after reading  “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by John Bradshaw, where I learned why my dad had shamed me so much in the presence of family members. Until then, I could not understand why and how he would only shame me and mum in the presence of family members during family gatherings. As I was reading this book, everything that my dad said or did to me and mum during family gatherings became crystal clear.  I could finally understand my dad’s behaviours and I felt so much lighter. I did nothing wrong by being myself. I did nothing that warranted such toxic shame. I did nothing wrong to be true to myself and stand up for what I believed in.

The issues was not with me. The issues was not what I did or said. The issues was with my dad and what he was taught in his childhood. He was passing his toxic shame onto me and mum. It was time to break free from this toxic shame and find a way to recovery and healing. It was time to find peace and be at peace.

I was very fortunate to have been introduced to a great therapist at the beginning of this year and working with her helped me to find a way to recovery and healing for a peaceful and fulfilling life.

It has been a very painful journey to self discovery and I am grateful to have had the support and love from my sweetheart who guided me through my finding myself.

Nowadays, I live each day free to be who and what I was born to be. It is so much fun to live my life being who and what I was born to be and no longer conforming to or submitting to who and what others want me to be.

I recently found out that I am an ENFJ meaning extraversion, intuition, feeling and judgement, in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to refer to one of the 16 personality types from answering a question on Quora. After listening to an audio book about this particular personality type, I learned even more about myself and why I do the things I do.

ENFJs are born leaders therefore, that explains why I do not feel comfortable being told what to do and how to do it. I do what I believe works for me, not what others tell me would work for me. I learn from making my own mistakes, not from others’ mistakes because I am different to others. I do what I want to do for me and no questions asked. I am not a follower, I never have been and never will. I knew from a tender age that I was very different to others around me. I felt comfortable with that due to how my mum is. I feel most comfortable and happy when I am doing my own things and not following trends or what others are doing. I can come across as stubborn and strong willed, which are both vital to standing up to what I believe in. These are important ingredients to getting what I want to achieve in life. Nothing major shall be achieved without a bit of stubbornness and strong will.

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There are only 12% of the world’s population who are ENFJs which is so amazing and I was shocked when I found out. I am grateful to have found this about myself. What a great insight and it really fascinated me! Now I can fully understand why I had felt at a tender age, that I was so different from others around me.

I am finally free to live my life the way I want. I am loving the fun I have each day being me. I love me, warts and all. Thank you!

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