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As I head home on the bus after my second Toastmasters meeting last night, I was engulfed with a roller coaster of emotions.

I so wanted to share with you my two minute speech that I had volunteered to talk about from the Table Topic of the evening which was “a romantic experience”.

I always shared with you my ups and downs, good and the bad and it had become a habit over many years of having you with us each day for the last fifteen years of your life.

You would do the exact same because we were like twins. Always there for one another and that created such a close bond between us. We would never let each other down if we could do anything to help. The bond and connection we had was always strong and that was priceless, precious and always positive.

On this particular evening’s journey home, I had thoughts of you in my mind because I was feeling so proud of myself for volunteering to speak in front of an audience. I was more than eager to come home and tell you everything about my meeting. Yet, knowing that you would be absent from home created so much pain and I felt heartbroken from losing you all over again.

I wanted to cry my tears of sadness and pain there and then, however I am so much stronger and more resilient now from my healing and recovery. Yet that pain of losing you so suddenly to unknown causes shall always be there in my heart.

I felt I was robbed of sharing with you my happiness and excitement as I am making great progress in my life on a daily basis. You were always there for me and my sons during our hard times and adversities yet now that we are all making great progress and life is becoming easier, better and brighter, you were so suddenly taken away from us.

That emotional pain feels like I am being stabbed in the heart so deep that I can feel it ripping my insides. I long to have you here to see us making great progress and to have you here to listen to our every journey to success and accomplishments. That’s what pains me so much whenever I feel proud of my progress.

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Most of us have a preconception that we all die at old age when we become frail, weak, infirm, brittle and vulnerable. So I was no different until your suddenly departure.

You were only aged 42 when you passed on and that was the biggest shock to me ever. It has been a very valuable lesson for me and I am grateful for that.

I know that you are in a much happier place now from the dreams that I have had of you, smiling at me and seeing your happiness and freedom from pain makes me feel so happy for you.

I have learned from your passing that life is full of ups and downs when we least expect them yet life gives us so much happiness, joy and contentment when we shift our attitude to a more positive one. I am more grateful for everything that I have now since your passing because we are never guaranteed to wake up the next day. Life is unpredictable at the best of times so I am making the most of my life with what I have.

As your 45th birthday is only days away, I feel I have a huge void in my life whenever I have happy, good and exciting news to share with you. I get so emotional during these times and last night’s journey home was one of those emotional moments where I wanted to be in the arms of my mushy sweetheart to comfort me and to be there for me emotionally. I know he would acknowledge my feelings and comfort me by allowing me to cry and express my pain and anger.

My sweetheart is the one and only person I share my pain of losing you with because he acknowledges my pain and he comforts me. I feel safe in his presence to cry, to be weak and vulnerable. I have never expressed my pain of losing you to our dad because I feel I would never be acknowledged as he never acknowledged our feelings before. This creates more pain for me yet I accept that it is what it is and there are things in life that I am never going to get from our dad. As for mum, I do speak to her about you especially when I have had a dream about you. I rarely tell her about my feelings of losing you because I am usually in a happy state when I see our mum because she’s always happy and I want to be happy in the presence of our mum.

I will always love you big brother!

 

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