As the new year approaches, let me ask you a few questions where we can all learn a few things about ourselves to become happier or in my case to guide and help you all to “feel happy”.

  1. What does it take for you to “be happy” or to “feel happy”?
  2. What images or sounds comes through your mind when you hear or see the word “happy”?
  3. What feelings do you have when you are happy?
  4. How many days of the week do you feel happy?
  5. We were all happy at one point in our lives and then what happened?
  6. Why are we living life “being miserable” or “feeling miserable”?
  7. Why are we drained from our positive energy and happiness?
  8. Where did our happiness go to?
  9. Who took it away from us?

Everything we are and do today goes back to our childhood, our set up, our education, our parents, our culture, our traditions, our beliefs, our extended family, our peers, our teachers, our society and what we were taught by all of these aspects of our lives.

When a child grows up in a happy, loving, caring, kind, affectionate, stable, secure, safe and protected environment, he/she shall become a happy and content adult. On the other hand, when a child grows up in a dysfunctional family where the child’s basic needs were not met, there are damaging results that has destroyed that child’s foundation. The destruction leads to mental illnesses, anxiety, lack of: self worth, self confidence and inner strength and poor health.  A child has a right and deserves to feel safe and protected in their own home. When the child is robbed of these basic needs, they become very damaged and this creates so many issues for them to handle and manage in their adult life.

Therapy is the most effective way to recover and heal from the emotional pains accumulated throughout childhood. Yet, due to the complications surrounding therapy treatment it can be non existent for so many. Some do not believe that therapy works. Others think it’s too expensive, some think it’s this and that to go to therapy. Some are closed to change. Others just bury their head in the sand thinking there is nothing that needs “fixed” because they think that they are perfectly in great health and they are happy. Denial, ignorance, fear, shame, poor attitude and lack of knowledge about the positive gains from working with therapy can hold us back from making a good recovery and heal from our past emotional pains.

How many of us know of any one who has had great results and made progress in their lives from working with a therapist? How many of us have invested their time and money to seeking the help of a therapist? Some people may have heard of an unpleasant experience someone else had from therapy and so therefore this has sown a seed into their head. This seed then becomes their perception of why therapy does not work.

Human beings need to feel they belong to a group, a pack, a community and when they do something, anything that is out of the ordinary from their group, they feel they will be castaway. They think they shall be judged, labelled, attacked, ridiculed, criticized and dismissed. So they stay within what they know is safe and secure without ever venturing to the outside of their comfort zone for themselves and to make progress to feel happy.

Maintaining adult relationships are the most: demanding, difficult, challenging, painful, troublesome, exerting and time consuming task we ever take on. The relationship adults have with themselves is more than all of the above. It takes daily effort and time to maintain the relationship we have with ourselves. It is the most important and valuable relationship we have with anyone. How we talk to ourselves determines how we create happiness for us. How we talk to ourselves is determined by how we were spoken to in our formative years. The inner voice that is talking to us everyday comes from how we were spoken to as a child. It controls most of our lives from when we were a child and a teenager right up to the day we pass on.

From my amazing journey with personal development in the past four years and six months, I have come to learn that to be happy is totally different from feeling happy. I feel happy when I am connected from my heart. I use my heart to feel happy because my heart is what I use to feel. I  am a kinaesthetic person so I feel happy when I am engaged in physical activities. I am connected with my heart so therefore I feel happy. To be happy for me, means I am searching for happiness from an outside source such as having a delicious meal to devour. This means I need to constantly search for an outside source to be happy which is costly, time consuming, damaging, destructive and the happiness needs fuel on a daily basis.

This is why so many people engage in and enjoy addictions to the extent where it creates ill health, causes relationships to break down, drains them from their finances, diseases set in and heart problems become a part of their lives, especially in men. Being disconnected from the heart is a huge issue yet generally, so little seems to be known about all the ill health that this creates. Tat O’Per’s book The Orgasmic Effect explains this in more detail and I related to her insight which helped me to connect with my heart whenever I was feeling sadness come through. I also learned about my own addictions, mainly to social media when I was feeling sad and empty inside.

When we are suffering from toothache, we see our dentist, when we are sick, we see our doctor, when our feet are causing us pain, we see a chiropodist, when we are affected by injury, illness or disability, we see a physiotherapist so we go and see a therapist when we are feeling sad. Simple!

I went to see a counsellor for:  anger management, bereavement, depression and anxiety. It helped me to be able to have a non-judgemental person to listen and guide me through my challenges throughout the most difficult and dark times of my life. I could vent, I could scream and shout.  I could be feeling: sad, happy, angry, frustrated, raging, vulnerable, weak, fragile and overwhelmed. I could be feeling whatever I was at the time and my counsellor knew how to handle my emotions. She was calm, laid back, professional, positive and always gave me her undivided attention to listen to me with the intent to understand where I was coming from.

The last time I had saw my counsellor was in June 2014, when I needed her guidance yet again after losing my big brother to a very sudden death. I was in tremendous emotional pain and everyday I woke up feeling my heart was heavy, weighed down and I felt empty inside. I felt my world had collapsed once again and I was abandoned. I made great progress with seeing my counsellor once a week and that hour for me to focus on my lose was a huge step to my recovery.

Until we get the support, help, advice, tools, understanding and listening ear from a professional who are trained to guide us through a journey to recovery and healing, adults’ feelings of happiness shall always be controlled by their past emotional pains. It can and does cost us more than we can ever imagine. The relationship we have with ourselves deserves the best, it is the most valuable relationship we shall ever have and we can turn our lives around from feeling sad to feeling true happiness with a helping hand from a professional who is trained and qualified to guide us to a journey of feeling happy from within.

So feeling happy for me, has been a long, tiresome, challenging, at times dramatic and mostly,  a valuable journey where I found my true self. I am loving the feelings of happiness from all the hard work I invested in as well as all the time, effort and money, sometimes, burning the candle at both ends to reach my goal of feeling happy from within. Well done me! Patting myself on the back! Hehe